I did it my "gay"........

The following is a quote from the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

For me that's what I am doing, finding the strength to start all over again, a fresh beginning in the pursuit of a life that I am able to be proud of, a life of passion and honesty. The other day, just before telling my Dad about my sexuality I was lying on the couch reading a book with my son, I asked him how he found one of his subjects at school to which he responded, "it is very boring, I am not being rude Dad, but it is not nice to lie," this obviously struck me, because to me I felt like what I had been doing for most of my life was living a lie, maybe not even consciously, but nonetheless a life that never felt like my construct. This is my last post for March, and although from a blogging point of view I have been quieter than previous months, from a personal level it has been a month filled with massive growth as I found myself searching for the strength to do what it is I knew I needed to do.

Last week I managed to tell my parents, brother, sister in law, mother in law and my best friend about my sexuality. Each and everyone of them has managed to not only accept, but offer their unwavering support to me. I was extremely buoyed and liberated by telling them all, for now everyone that really matters to me knows and now to some degree the honeymoon is over and the reality of the situation begins. I need to now carve out a new life for myself. For my wife and I we seem to have a great desire to maintain a relationship as the best of friends. We enjoy a deep love for each other and although letting go is unbelievably hard for us, it is a reality that we both now seem to know is unavoidable. I am currently seeking out a place to live and expect that in the next week or so, I will once again be packing my little bag as I once again move out of home.

It is an emotional time and one that causes a vacillation of emotions within me, I am pleased that unlike the last time I moved out of home, this time I do so with my loved ones not only understanding, but being able to offer support and remain within my life as I embark on this latest path, a path that seems will now lead me on a new journey. I come from a prominent family within our community "bubble" and due to the fact of who I am, I am expecting allot of interest and fascination within my life. This will to a large degree be my next obstacle and challenge. I am ever mindful of my children, so whilst my coming out would be an activist's dream to try and change stigma's and perception's within our conservative community, I am not here to change society, I am simply trying to change the way I live in it, always conscious that the steps that I take I want to do with dignity allowing my family to remain proud and leaving a legacy for my children who will hopefully judge me on my bravery over and above everything else.

Like I have written before, it is not change alone that scares me, it is regretting what I leave behind. My wife will always be the measure of the person I would want by my side. I know I want more than anything to keep her in my life in the greatest capacity possible, whilst all the while conscious that like she has supported me, I too will support her on her pursuit to find the much deserved happiness she is entitled to. Today when I look in the mirror I am able to feel a sense of pride, pride at not only what I have been able to achieve, but pride at the fact that I have managed to do so with a sense of integrity and above all honesty. There really is no rules as to how one can live life and if I can achieve anything from this decision, it is simply the hope that for my kids they will know that in life if we are brave enough, strong enough and bold enough we really can start all over again, ensuring that we living our one life as happily as possible.

Frank Sinatra:
"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!"

OUT...STANDING!!!

Along my path of self discovery, I often find myself believing that the world is universal and cosmic in the way that coincidences seem to happen. Last Friday night whilst having Sabbath dinner at my parents, I met a remarkable mother. When meeting her I asked her about her children to which she replied, "I have a son who is doctor and gay, and two other children." I was immediately intrigued, not because here was a woman who had a gay son, but that here was a woman who was proud of her gay son and standing in front of me, after a whole week where I had been trying to find the courage to be able to tell my Mom about my sexuality.

Yesterday was a day of me finding the strength to conquer my greatest fears and demons, yesterday was the day that I decided to tell my parents about my sexuality. My first obstacle was my Mom, she is a wonderful women who has endured more than her fair share of hardships in life. She came from a very broken home and from this she has made it her life goal to be the best mother she could be to her children. Allot of my strength, power and drive comes from her, we are both feisty people, but we have always enjoyed a special bond, I guess for her, I am her Cryptonite. After telling my Mom, she stopped for a few minutes holding her chest, I sat there ever worried at what would follow next, but her response was very calm, "this is not so bad." For her there was a sense of understanding, a sense of relief and a sadness for the pain I have been enduring. She was remarkable in her genuine show of not only love, but the unconditional support I so needed. She exceeded my expectations and in that moment our past mistakes had become irrelevant, right there, right then when I needed her most of all, she was more than present, she rose to the occasion. Before me was my Mother and she was not going anywhere.

My Dad is a special man and an exceptional father, but he has always had his limitations in life (or so I thought). He is probably one of the most significant people in my life, yielding a certain amount of influence over me. Our relationship had strained over the last few months and if telling anyone that I was gay scared me, he was without a doubt my greatest fear and obstacle. When I was 18 I got a car and I grabbed my new found freedom with open arms. The result of this freedom included many a car accident, often in the late hours of the night, often after considerable partying. I would phone my Dad for help, he would put on this specific tracksuit and he would come and fetch me, never angry, never asking questions, just happy in the knowing that I was ok. I remember those quiet drives home after he had fetched me, I always wondered what he was thinking, maybe a little nervous at what would still come, but never was there anything aggressive, just love and the knowing that he was there.

My Mom thought it would be best for her to tell my Dad, I knew that she wanted to protect and shield me from the very real and possible response of anger and even rejection. I knew my Dad would require time and I was resolved in my mind that I would not judge him by his initial reactions. After my Mom had spoken to him, she phoned me to ask if i would come to them, I was already there, I walked in prepared for whatever it was that I would encounter. My Mom opened her arms to me, hugged me, I felt like she was protecting me from the world and her love was ever present. I sat down next to my Dad, I could see the fear in his eyes, a pain in his soul, but what he would say to me next was not what I ever expected, he said "you should have told me, I would have put on my tracksuit for you." In that one line I knew, I did not need much more than that and with that one line I felt a sense of freedom and acceptance. I am not sure how or when I lost faith in my parents, but it was not because of them that I did, my mistake was doubting them, my fear was the inhibitor, not them.

This morning I decided to continue my liberation and told my brother, once again I was met with support and love, each and every person that matters to me has managed to surprise me. When speaking to the mother that I met, I asked her, without judgement, but just because I really needed to understand, why was it that she defined her gay son by his sexuality, but not her other children? She stopped, thought and agreed that it was not necessary, but maybe for her that was just her way of showing acceptance, maybe preempting it to the world. If from the last two days I have learnt anything, it is quite simply that my sexuality does not define me, my family and friends and people who matter will always accept me regardless of who it is I sleep next to, because to them they know me and they know my worth, this is something I maybe forgot.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen....

It has been a busy few days for myself and my family, yesterday was my daughter's birthday, it is boggling for me to think that my baby is now six years old. From the moment she was born there was a gentleness to her, an ever present goodness of soul and I am loving watching how that soul continues to blossom. Looking at her on her on our bed yesterday opening all her presents, grateful for everything she got, I could not help but sit there with a certain level of awe how she seemed to take nothing for granted. Even today at her party, she is happy to share the limelight, always acutely aware of those around her, always sensitive to their emotions.

My children are very different personalities and I get a very different understanding and outlook on life from each of them. My approach to parenting varies to their ever changing and unique personalities. I once again had a sit down with my Mom yesterday, this time ever sure that I would be able to honestly express my sexuality to her, but alas, the world had different plans as we were interrupted literally as I was about to read a line on a previous blog that would have left no doubt in her mind as to my conflict. In a way I am pleased, although i have this great desire to tell her, I am still not entirely sure why. What I was able to express to her yesterday and if nothing else was something that needed to be said. I explained and allowed her to see and realize how through subtle manipulation they have always tried to steer me in a course that they believed would make me happy, without ever asking if it would. I married so young in life with little understanding of the commitment I was entering into and yet my parents never hesitated to encourage me to take the leap.

Well leap I did, today is my 9 year wedding anniversary and I can tell you that I never once thought that this was how life would turn out. I was resolved in my decision, I never really hesitated and although there were some who stopped and asked me if I had thought it all through, I guess just like Julius Caesar who was warned in the play by Shakespeare "beware of the Ides of March", but we both seemed arrogant to the fact that no harm could ever come to us, however we were both wrong, although for me this is real life and more importantly my life. My Mom said to me in a discrediting tone that I seemed to be highly analytical of them, to which I explained that I had to be, I am gaining an understanding not only of myself, but my pain as well, it is only when one stops to access and scrutinize oneself properly that one can truly know what to mend.

My marriage might not have been what in my youth I fantasised about, but what it has been is a safe place to be my most vulnerable with a women that clearly loves me very much and who just like my daughter leaves me in awe at her goodness. We have the greatest desire to see each other happy and we find ourselves independent in our journeys, whilst knowing the other is there always encouraging and supporting the other along the way. I flippantly commented on a fellow blogger's post that the answer itself is the easy part, it is the question as to who you want to be that is hardest, this however made me think. It is that simple really, who is it that I wish and want to be. The line that resonates most with me from Shakespeare's play is "Poor Brutus, with himself at war, forgets the shows of love to other men."

Keeping My Balance..

This Past weekend I enjoyed "hanging" with my son, due to a cycle race that had closed down most roads and made travel difficult I decided to break out the scooter to buzz around on. About 2 years ago I was involved in a serious scooter accident, this has not only made me extremely cautious, but I have also resisted taking my kids on it. Having said this, there was no better day to overcome my fears in this regard and much to my son's delight as we navigated through the busy roads going from coffee shop to coffee shop. Life is made up of little moments of sheer bliss, looking at my son's happy little face, his pure contentment was evident When I felt his arms that were wrapped around me giving me a big squeeze followed by an "I love you Dad", his pure exhilaration became mine, it was a day of contentment for both of us.

Contentment, the feeling of pure bliss, satisfaction and happiness all seem momentary, life is dotted with this special moments and feelings, but underlying all those feelings is a struggle and hardship. I believe that without challenge, without the battle we are not able to truly enjoy the feeling of success, satisfaction and pure joy. I have come to realize that people search out the difficulties in life, hungering for a challenge. I would even go as far to say that we enjoy that life is not easy, because we use those experiences to grow and when we achieve or conquer our obstacles in our paths we are left with the feeling of contentment. The old saying "easy come easy go", might apply here, it is the things we need to fight for that are always the most rewarding.

My life has always been filled with challenges, I have always enjoyed being thrown in a little deeper than I could manage and perhaps have always created challenges for myself. At 34 I have lived a pretty diverse and interesting life so far, I have experienced many different facets of life and I have been able to enjoy multiple perspectives, but it is only now that I truly feel awake to the world. It is as if all my experiences have now come together and slowly the pieces of a puzzle are starting to fit, whilst I am far from understanding life, I certainly am beginning to understand myself. My challenge at the moment is unique to any I have faced before, I am conflicted between my desire to do right and the need to make some mistakes. None of this journey would have been possible without allowing myself a few mistakes along the way, but over the last few months I have managed to grow an inordinate amount, it is noticeable to those around me, especially to the person whose heart I lived under for 9 months, she probably has a very good sense of what I am going through, I think that mothers always do.

I had a fleeting chance to chat to my Mom, although I would have liked more time, somehow last week there was a moment that just seemed right to open up to her. Even though it was just creating the platform to enable me to later be more direct about my sexuality conflict. I was amazed, as we chatted I became certain that my Mom already knows, everything was referred to as "it" and all in all we had the most amazingly open and frank chat I think we have ever had whilst seemingly always aware of the "elephant in the room." I left there feeling so buoyed, confident in the fact that there is very little my parents would not assist and support me with, but more importantly accept, after all I am their son, and a good son at that. I now know as a father that the mistakes we make as parents are often the mistakes that our children bear and hold against us for a lifetime. My greatest achievement over the last few months is the ability to let go of my anger, I have accepted that my parents have done their absolute best that they could and I know I want and need them in my life, perhaps now more than ever.

At the moment I do feel a sense of contentment, however I continue to challenge myself. I am proud of what I have been able to achieve, the way I have faced my challenges and the person that I am evolving into. For me this weekend was not just a matter of me overcoming my fear and getting back onto a bike, it was more than that, it was a chance to connect with my boy, to stop and enjoy the fruits of my labour, what better way to do that then by looking into my little son's eyes and seeing him content.

"Hear" Today, Gone Tomorrow

As most children do, I grew up with a tremendous fear of death and the temporary nature of the world. I struggled with the concept and the prospect of the unknown, the ultimate panic that after all this grandeur it would merely disappear into nothingness with all our thoughts, memories and experiences being futile and lost. You ask anyone if they want to be younger and the answer is always a big yes, but with the prerequisite of being able to know what they know now. We grow by our experiences, we travel through the world and we feel love,anger,hate and all other emotions as well, but all to often whilst we live we seem to do so forgetting that everything in the world is impermanent. The impermanence of life acts as a reminder that all we have is the present moment, emotions, relationships, sex, security, our lives, even our children, all of it is impermanent.

This past weekend I went to a funeral, it was for an old man who was always a big believer in me. The Jews are known to be flamboyant at times, but I must say the way we bury our dead just seems right. A Jewish burial is done without pomp or very much ceremony, every Jew gets exactly the same burial right down to the simple pine coffin. It is said that the greatest deed one can do is to accompany and assist in a burial, the reasoning for this is that it is the one deed that we perform where the person is unable to give us anything back in return. Watching the funeral this weekend and saying my farewells reiterated for me just how impermanent everything is. The 3 brothers who had been involved in a massive feud amongst themselves found it possible to let their anger go and rather chose to support each other. At the foot of their fathers grave whilst witnessing the sheer fragility of life they realised the futility of their emotions, they used the mortality of life as a motivator to allow their anger to diminish.

The following is an extract from the book "Shantaram":
"It took me a long time and most of the world to learn what I know about love
and fate and the choices we make, but the heart of it came to me in an instant
while I was chained to a wall and being tortured. I realized, somehow, through
the screaming in my mind, that even in that shackled, bloody helplessness, I
was still free: free to hate the men who were torturing me, or to forgive them. It
does not sound like much, I know. But in the flinch and bite of the chain, when
it’s all you’ve got, that freedom is a universe of possibility. And the choice you
make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life."

What the above extract so eloquently reflects for me, is that all to often we forget how fragile life is, we dwell on the insignificant and we loose sight that we can allow our emotions such as hate, anger and even pain to be impermanent. I am trying to focus on the day to day of life, wanting to live within the present, but I too have fears. I find it able to overcome some of those fears, whilst others seem more daunting and take me a little longer. I am preparing to tell my Mom about my sexuality, this would be a huge step for me. Previously I believed that for me telling my parents was not something I needed to conquer now, but standing beside that grave and watching the son's bidding farewell to their father, I realised, that I want and need for my parents to see the whole me. Who I choose to sleep with does not distract from the person I am, but while I conceal this from them I find that I am limiting them from fully accessing my life, I even feel that they are missing out on the best part of me. My hope is that they too will recognize the delicate nature of life and look past stigmas, remembering whats important and finding it within themselves to accept me unconditionally.

I now too sit with the difficult role of trying to explain mortality to my children, but I want to do it from a different stance to what I grew up with. I want my children not to view death with fear or to see it as finite, but rather to see it as a reminder that we are alive now, to live in the present, grasping it with vigour and excitement. Just like life, just like the journey I find myself on, we can never know what awaits us, sometimes we just need to have faith in something bigger than us and maybe in that we will find something eternally permanent.

Come Lie With Me

It is with a mixture of emotions that I have been reading over all my past posts again, reliving and remembering the journey and transformation that I have undertaken over the last several months. After my very first blog entry I had intended to continue with writing about sex, however none of my posts have ever been mainly focused on sex, but rather have been an outlet of emotions. It was as if I was pregnant with thoughts and feelings that were just dying to be birthed and expressed. My blog became a medium not only to communicate my experiences, but as an emotional tool to assist in my own understanding of myself. My blog has always been an honest, open and maybe sometimes to expressive platform for me to vent, share and resolve my steps along my path, with encouragement, advice and the hope that my story might assist someone else.

Throughout my posts, there have been many common themes and thoughts, guilt, pain and most of all fear of change. Looking back at my progress I feel proud that despite my concerns and worries, I seem to have been able to keep moving forward, all the while slowly chipping away and conquering my greatest of fears, finally freeing myself of a life of repression. I allowed myself to open my heart, accept, confront and to realize that fear alone is not a reason to not live ones life fully, because fear is merely the challenge that makes the success of achievement so much sweeter.

My son reminds me so much of myself as a child, I thus have been able to identify the fears that seem to inhibit him and to encourage him to overcome them. I remember him needing to have his tonsils removed, to which he was absolutely pained with concern and worry, as much as I tried to appease him that it was needed and would be fine, his over consuming distress was all to evident. He asked me why I had told him, and why I had not just taken him unknowing of what was about to come, to which I responded, "because I would never lie or deceive you, and I promise you that it will be ok." This seemed to provide the assurance he needed. I was proud at how despite his fear, he kept himself not only composed, but showed bravery as well. Truth is such a vital foundation of a any relationship and it is on this basis that I could not find myself travelling a journey under the guise of personal growth if truth was not part of my moral core.

For me telling the truth is a show of our caring to those that matter to us, but truth is especially important when not providing honesty affects the people that we are withholding it from, limiting the ability for the other to make a clear choice. I know all to well that when I withheld the truth about my sexuality I simply encumbered my wife with emotions of rejection, confusion and a diminished self. Despite the pain that sharing my secrets with her have caused, I gave her the ability to make choices, I freed her of burden, responsibility and I showed her the respect she deserved and my love for her as well.
I too now know all to well what it feels like to be lied to, having ones choice taken away and the pain that one endures from such lies. With the truth one not only has a clear way forward, but it also provides them with the choice of whether to forgive or not. I believe that it is the path of forgiveness that ultimately sets one free from anger, but this does not always mean that we allow that person further access to ourselves.

Access is something else that fascinates me, we open our hearts, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and we lay out our bodies to be explored by others. We do this for various reasons, but when it is done within a meaningful relationship with the beauty of heart and body it tends to be with someone that has made us feel safe, allowing us to be our most vulnerable. Ultimately everyone wants to feel safe, it is daunting to expose ones heart, knowledgeable that in doing so we open ourselves to accept pain as well. I have always enjoyed the intimacy that one gets from a deeper connection, from knowing the person, seeing them for more than just their skin value and then allowing oneself to be properly accessed. I have also learnt that such access can also be taken away.

I am on a fresh path, a new beginning, moving forward and still evolving. When one feels pain, hurt and let down it becomes easy to close our hearts. The fear of further hurt becomes a restrictor, limiting us, ultimately resulting in a lonely existence with us wearing our pain as a badge and the inability to form further meaningful relationships going forward. For me this remains a journey not solely based on sex, but rather an understanding of my sexuality. I will not let my fear of pain inhibit the ability to continue proceeding with an open heart, because for me I see so clearly how the beauty of loving far outweighs the danger of hurt. Being loved is something everyone strives for, but loving others is where the true mystique of life exists, it is the medicine for life and the underlying mark that one leaves behind.

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” Galileo Galilei

Follow the Instructions

I remember when my son was born being totally overwhelmed with how life changing having a child was, I was young, a mere 25 years old, when asking our prenatal teacher why she had not warned us how hard it would all be, she responded "nothing I could have told you would have prepared you." I find that with most gay men, the journey and exploration of their sexuality is all to often just as daunting if not more so. Just like having kids, when one goes on the journey of understanding not only their sexuality, but who they are, there is no instruction manual that comes along with it. It becomes very much a path of self discovery, usually dotted with both amazing and painful experiences, but like the saying goes "what does not kill us makes us stronger."

Initially a big part of the exploring of my sexuality was coupled with me looking for affirmation. Affirmation is an unusual desire and I dare anyone to tell that it is something they do not hunger for. I have always realized that it is not affirmation alone that is important, but rather the people from whom that affirmation comes from. I have found though that the gay world seems to find affirmation not in the quality of the connections that they make with people, but rather with the number of people that they feel the can have, even conquer, as if it is some sort of brag book. I think in this lies a huge flaw, because in life all we can really leave behind that is truly meaningful and enduring are those relationships, the paths that we have crossed and most importantly the lives we have been able impact.

For me, I always went into this journey with both my eyes and my heart open. I knew that this would never be a journey in which my answers to who I am would be found merely inside of other's bedrooms, and so for me this was always about my sexuality and not just sex alone. It is only now that I find myself elevating out of the depression, pain and trauma that I have found myself feeling over the past months and in particular last few weeks, that i can properly see how low I actually felt. I found myself becoming the prize in a tug of war competition between my ex boyfriend and my wife. Whilst both of them knew the life that they wanted with me, they seemed to forget about what it is I wanted. I often thought that it was I who was selfish, but I see now that for both of them, my journey diverted from me being able to explore my sexuality, to a situation where their need for me in their lives superseded and diminished my ability to evolve and explore myself, all the while the expectations on me became overly demanding. My energy was being sapped, the need for me to manage their ever vacillating moods meant very little was left for the ebb and flow of my emotions

I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and it is in this vulnerability that i was being directed with subtle plays on my emotions and even my pain. I can't remember when the choice that I was being asked to make stopped from being a choice based on my sexuality or a search for fulfilment, but somewhere along the way it had become a choice between two people and neither of them was making it any easier for me. I thought I would never be able to successfully make a decision, but choose I have, but the irony lies in the fact that I have chosen myself. For the first time I have begun to accept my sexuality, I have come to the realisation that my sexuality does not necessarily define me. No matter how much I try and wish it away, I have come to terms with knowing that such thoughts are futile, because I know my worth and my sexuality alone does not in anyway diminish that.

I do not know what the future holds for me, I resigned myself along time ago to the fact that trying to predict the future is outside of my abilities, all I can do is focus on evolving, moving forward and ensuring that I do so in the most caring and respectful manner, all the while mindful of my family and those sharing my journey with me. As turbulent as this road has been, not once have I regretted being on it. There are things I would have changed or done differently and I do wish I had done it earlier in my life, but I am loving learning that it is never to late. So I am allowing myself to not only grow, but I am enjoying being able to be me, without the lies, repression or weight of denying myself. I have a long road to still travel, but I am resolved, I am motivated and I am confident that ultimately I will emerge wiser, fuller and happier than I ever could have been simply ignoring such a huge part of my construct.

Not only have I come to accept my sexuality, but I am learning how to forgive and to stop judging my mistakes, because I have been able to recognize my errors of the past and I am endeavouring to rectify them and ensuring that I do not continue to make them going forward. In life the only teacher is in the right and the wrong that we do, but it is our responsibility to ensure that we learn from those lessons. So whilst I have come to accept that there is no instruction manual for life, I am beginning to discover that for my children I can no longer worry about what it is that they choose to do in life, but rather encourage who it is that they choose to be as people.

I Can See Clearly Now the Tears are Gone..

As a child, it took me a long time to mature emotionally, whilst I enjoyed living in the confounds of the security of a "bubble" that I controlled, I seldom found myself crying other than when I was removed from the safety of that "bubble".
I remember going to watch the movie E.T. and at the end of it my parents asked me why I never cried, to which I responded, "because no one told me when to." I find myself again in a place where I feel like it is difficult for me to cry, at first it bothered me, but now i have come to accept that it might just be best for me right now.

This morning I went for breakfast with my gorgeous little daughter, she enjoys an access to my heart that no one else possesses and I think she knows it as well. We have always shared a unique bond and all to often even in her youth she expresses a maturity and a knowing of what I need and when I need it. To me she is my little Princess and that is probably because she knows how to make me feel like a King. My morning with her seemed to give me perspective and although I have always been what I believe to be a good Dad, somehow this morning with her measuring the size of her fingers against mine, I came to realize that in my hand I was holding her whole world and in that it reminded me of my responsibility.

The other day I met someone who seems to know exactly what it is that they want, but what intrigued me is not that he knew what it is he wants as much as his ability and drive to go and get it. For the first time in a long time, I have been able to let go of the emotion and turmoil that has seemed to paralyse me. In the last few days i have released so much of the external pulls that were making my decisions impossible to resolve. I am freeing my life of complications and I am excluding the drama, so as to enable myself to see clearly and allow myself the ability to not only continue my drive for what it is I am searching for, but to also ensure that i have clarity as to what it is I want out of my life. I was told that in discipline lies freedom, I guess I am creating the freedom in order to allow me discipline within my life.

I am gaining an understanding as to what is definitive in my life, and my role as father will always be on the top of that list. I am resolved in the fact that my role as Dad is non negotiable, but in that it also does not mean that it excludes the ability and even a responsibility to live my life as complete and happy as I can. What ever my sexuality is will never hamper or distract from the fact that I love my children, my role as father is ensuring that they always know it.
I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my wife and I for the manner that we have been able to keep them prioritised, above all of the strain we have managed to protect them from our lives so as to enable them to live theirs. In this I have certainty that no matter what the future brings, my wife and I will remain unified as parents, always considering them above all else and hopefully using our lives as a foundation from which they can build theirs.

I don't think my inability for me to cry at the moment reflects that I am numb emotionally, on the contrary I feel more awake than I have for a long time. I have finally found some of the stillness that i have been searching for and in that I now have the ability to ensure that i not only continue to evolve, but that I do so in a manner that is not only right for me, but is right for those around me as well. I trust in the fact that I am a good person and whilst all to often I try and please those I love, I see now that before I can please anyone, I need to first please myself.
To quote Alex Tan: “Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.” I think I have now cried enough and life certainly does seem clearer to me, I guess it is now that the journey can really begin.

Neither Here nor There!

As I sit here writing this, I should actually have been on a plane on my way to the Holy Land, but sometimes as I have recently learnt all to well, life throws us a "curve ball".
I am usually such an organized and together kinda guy, having all the i's dotted and the t's crossed, but alas in my confusion of my life I seem to struggle to find focus.
This morning as I was preparing my normal travel routine, I came to the sudden shock that I had allowed my passport to expire making it impossible for me to make the trip. Although it was going to be just a short business trip, I was looking forward to getting away from reality for a little while, but sometimes life prevents us from achieving that.

Today it was as if my wife had woken up, alert to the reality of our circumstance, and although our best intentions going forward were to preserve not only our relationship, but to safeguard the sanctity of our family, we have come to ask at what expense.
Our love for each other has never been in question, and we have all the makings of a wonderful marriage together, but in order to achieve and build a successful marriage where one partner is likely gay and actively needing to explore this part of myself, it seems like an impossibility. We are both still young, attractive and I am certain deserving of more than locking ourselves into a relationship that is unable to be fulfilling to either of us.

For me I have been on a relatively short journey in order to try and come to a big understanding of who it is I am, and although I am certain that it will till take a considerable amount of time before I evolve or even remotely come close to figuring out this answer, what I do know is, a relationship in which I need to be honest to my wife, whilst lying to myself is neither fair nor practical. If sexuality is a pendulum like everyone describes with people falling in different levels on the arc of the swing, I do not know where exactly I would fall on this scale, but I am aware that whilst my pendulum might still be swinging the odds are that it will likely fall closer to the gay side than the straight.

One might think that this is allot to give up, that the price we are paying by letting go of a 12 year relationship, and a family built is just to high, but I would argue that the price in not letting go is even higher. I have always felt guilt at what it is that I have not been able to provide my wife over the years, I have felt underlying disappointment for not being true to myself, but most of all I can not live with myself asking my wife to let go of so much of herself when I am not prepared or able to give up this in me. I can only hope that the support and love that my wife and I have will be enough and will endure us through, that we will be able to support each other as we embark on new paths all be them separate ones, but most of all I just pray that we will always be able to remain unified as parents.

So while I have not travelled away, i am neither home, I guess i am in a state of no man's land as we now try and navigate our way forward. I am scared, daunted and feeling tremendously tired, somehow I even feel an extreme sense of loneliness, but I am a father and my family needs me to now focus and help steer us through.
It has been an extremely turbulent ride and I know those around me have had opinions as to what would be right for us in this situation, but I guess all we needed was time so as to enable us to not only discover, but accept the reality...

The Truth Fairy

My 7 year old son has now reached the stage where he is losing his teeth. I can't help but think back to when he was just a baby and all those late nights, moans, groans and cuddles to ease the pain whilst waiting for these same teeth to eventually come out, now seems diminished by watching them falling out. I guess it is a natural progression, it is the way life is, we go through cycles and with growth the pain is inevitable, but seldom futile.
I managed to pull 2 loose teeth out for him this past weekend, one of the teeth was more ready that the other, but I managed to get both out with very little fuss and bother, much to his relief. My son believes that the 2nd tooth was not as ready to come out, and in his feeling that it was prematurely removed, he has told me that "I stole his tooth.

I never got to make it to the end of my curfew deadline with my boyfriend and so much of me feels like I had time with him stolen from me. I know all the rules in situations like this are to let go of the 3rd party, move on, and dedicate ones self to their home, family and wife, but often the reality of being able to let go is just so hard.
I fear I will be reentering the realms of dishonesty, not because I will be further cheating on my wife, but because I worry that I am going to lie to myself. How does one just deny that they care for someone, let them go as if they never meant anything or pretend to stop loving them?

At the moment I feel like one does after that last bite of chocolate, disappointed that it is finished with only the lingering taste dissolving in my mouth, but still hungry for more. I know all to well the road and path ahead is the right one, I remind myself of the reasons for deciding to be with my wife and I try and maintain self beleif.
All I want is to be held gently in hand like one would cradle sand, because squeezing only results in the sand pouring out from between the fingers. I hope that both my wife and boyfriend understand this need for me to relieve the pressure and ever squeezing hand, and that both allow me the due space to evolve so as to enable me to not only choose where it is that I need to be, but that I am able to find who it is that I am as well.

I asked my son when tugging out his teeth to believe in me, which he duly did and I was pleased to see that I did not cause him pain. Unfortunately I am not as lucky in my love life, because in my pull and pursuit for further understanding I not only seem to have lost the belief of those that matter, but the pain i seem to be causing is unavoidable.
I am lucky that my business travels will allow me the opportunity to spend the upcoming weekend in the Holy City Jerusalem, I am looking forward to taking the opportunity to look back at the layers of history and not only reflecting on the growth of humankind, but on my own as well.

Man in the Mirror

The other day in the newspaper there was a little Charlie Brown Cartoon in which Charlie is asked where he is going, his response was "I am going to the dentist to have my teeth criticised".
For me over the last few months being in front of a mirror all to often felt like Charlie Brown's visit to the dentist, whilst I have softened to those around me, on myself I have remained extremely hard, often unable to forgive myself not only for hurting the people that I love so much, but mostly because of feeling that I have not been true and honest to myself for so much of my life.

A curfew and period of time was given to me to resolve this within myself (being the 5 weeks of opening my marriage) but the ticking of the stopwatch created a sense of panic and insecurity, it is not an easy decision to consider leaving a partner of 12 years, my family as I know it, my home and the life that I have put so much energy into building. As I have written before, I do not fear the change itself as much as I fear regretting what I would be leaving behind. In the impending need to decide I have reached a point where i have become overwhelmed and my mind has entered a state of "analysis paralysis" and a feeling that my thoughts are locked in an eternal loop. With the inability to shut of my mind, it has resulted in me reaching the point of sheer exhaustion and throwing me into a state of depression.
Throughout my pressures, pain and confusion I have always remained reluctant to have to resort to any form of medication, I never wanted to loose my ability to feel, but with the stakes being so high and those feelings over consuming me I have had no alternative, but to now take the advice of my shrink and doctor and allow myself some assistance medically in finding the relief and answers I have been searching for.

Although the medication has created a slight feeling of numbness, and a sense of withdrawal from reality, it has also seemed to bring a certain amount of clarity as well. I never truly believed that I would find the answer within my curfew period, however part of me always hoped that the right path would reveal itself. I feel now that with a slightly greater sense of clarity, I have been able to find just such a path, a path along which i hope to ensure that I make a decision to be happy within a construct of living a life that is of my making. So much of my life I have found myself consumed with making those around me proud often to my own detriment, where now I want that I rather live to make myself proud first. It is in this vain that going forward instead of picking the path others have desired for me, I will continue to walk along a path that i am comfortable travelling, and one with which I can set an example to my children as to how to live a fuller and whole life.

As important a part of my life as my children are, I found it was my wife who was restricting me by holding onto my leg so tightly, scared of the prospect of letting me go, somehow despite everything that I have thrown at her, it was me that she remained wanting. Watching her fighting for our marriage distracted me from the fact that as much as I pushed her, I too was not ready to actually ask her to let go of me and what we have built together.
My greatest obstacle through my entire journey whilst pursuing who it is that i really am, was doubt. The fact that I was not truly ready to let my wife go, inhibited me from ever being able to pursue a full life beyond that of my marriage. After the support that my wife has given me, I find myself unable to give up on a marriage that i am now able to be both vulnerable and honest in, but most of all, one that i would doubt leaving.

So in order to allow myself the ability to now move forward I have committed to pursue staying home, and whilst this might not mean "happily ever after", I can but only try. I will not allow that I once again reach a point of denying my true self or ending my pursuit to be happy, but rather try to resolve without any doubt, that the life i have with my wife is not a life that is able to be fulfilling, not only for me, but her as well. I am confident that this is the correct decision for us, however I am cautious to not allow myself to reach a stage where I once again deny myself an honest identity or one in which I find myself preventing my wife from having a deserving relationship. Before I can continue to fully pursue a life as either a single man, a single gay man or a relationship with my boyfriend, it is my role as husband that i need to resolve first, so that should I choose a path that leads me in a direction away from my wife, it is done knowing that we tried and secure in the fact that it is a decision that was made cautiously and conscious of not only ourselves, but our children as well.

To properly achieve this resolution I have had to say goodbye to my boyfriend and whilst i hoped that the medication would make this decision that much easier to bear, I find myself reaching all new lows with my mind constantly consumed with the many memories of the most extraordinary 7 months with him.
The greatest pain and difficulty is having cut off communication with him, such making it unable for me to remind him of how special, loved and missed he is. It is hard to let go of him without creating doubt in his mind as to how much he means to me, but I know now with absolute certainty that in order for me to properly resolve my future with anyone, I have to be given the opportunity to still further evolve, explore within myself and to give my family the chance not only for their sakes, but for my mine as well. I am no longer able to do this living two lives or with the constant echo of a ticking clock constantly haunting me.
Within the agreement to be honest with my wife going forward and the acknowledgement that I will no longer repress my emotions, but rather be true to myself, I am not going to try and hide the pain of having had to let my boyfriend go, he is not a switch that I will easily be able to turn off, but maybe in that will lie an answer within itself.

So my journey now has changed from the imminent need to answer questions within myself, to one of patience and allowing myself time to evolve to a place of certainty and stability so that I can try and live as still and doubt free life as possible, certain that the life that I eventually choose to live is one of my construct and choice and in which everyone can be happy.
If I have achieved anything over the last few months, it is that I can proudly say that for the first time in my life I am honest with the the people that matter most to me. My goal now is to ensure that I am honest with myself so as to enable me the ability to look in the mirror without any critique.

"An example is often a deceptive mirror, and the order of destiny, so troubling to our thoughts, is not always found written in things past." Pierre Corneille

A ride worthwhile?

There was always an underlying awareness of my sexual attraction to men even as a young boy, however I always chose to ignore and repress any such feelings. Although many an opportunity presented itself during which I would have been allowed to explore this part of myself, such as during my numerous traveling expeditions, right up to men actually pursuing me, I always rather chose and decided that mentally this was a dimension to myself that I would prefer not to explore in reality.
I would describe my pursuit of understanding my sexuality as a roller coaster ride, the initial gradual and tedious climb up the slope that seems to take forever, followed by a ride filled with twisting and jerking movements, that deep in your stomach nausea and frightening the willing participants and leaving them with the question as to why they got on in the first place.

For me my ride has been an extremely slow progression of events that has taken me to the place that I am now. As a child I went through the normal exploration of not only my own individual body, but often looking at friends in the change rooms etc followed by a sense of guilt and repulsion. The first time that I fully became aware of my intrigue in the male body was when I was 21, I walked into a porn shop in London and I found that the male covers of the porn magazines were catching my eye, although I was never brave enough to ever go over and actually look through them, but something inside of me stirred.
My progression from that point happened simultaneously with the development of the Internet and technology, right from dialing in to view very basic gay porn sites, to the now sophisticated online camming with people from around the world. I then found my progression bringing me onto a local gay "meet up" website, from which my pursuit and progression changed from one of fantasy to one of reality.

When this all started for me I was already dating my wife, and although I was confused by my sexual emotions, I was convinced that this was a part of myself that did not require exploring beyond the cyber world, I was to be right for the next 12 years. Despite believing that I would be able to remain sexually and emotionally drawn to women I would often would find myself asking her, "but how do you know you love me?", and "what does love really feel like?"
I could see the absolute goodness in my wife, I loved not only how she made me feel, but how she cared and loved me, she spoilt me by tending to my every whim. The then fear and lack of proper understanding of my emotions overcame me and I proceeded to try and break up with her. I recall her looking at me with such torment and pain in her eyes as she grabbed onto my leg unwilling to let go until I reconsidered. Reconsider I did, and as they say in Hollywood the rest is history.

Today my wife and I have what many would describe as a perfect life and i would even tend to agree, but what happens when the perfect life is not the life that you think you want?
Today I am not only aware of what love feels like , but I know with full certainty that I am in love with my wife. In loving her I do have worries and concerns for her, I worry whether in the future I will be able to fulfill her needs, I worry about my ability to not only give her what she wants, but more so that I am deserving of her and I fear that I am holding her back from what could be a more fulfilling life with someone else. Most of all I worry about being a committed husband, not only in the monogamous sense, but in an emotional sense as well, causing her to feel not only caged, but bringing her into the closet with me.
I now wonder if she "kicked me out", gave up hope on us and chose to move on with her life without me, if this would not be easier. There would be no further expectations of me, and I would lose a measure of my ability to hurt her beyond the damage that I have already done.

Unfortunately this is not a situation where I can just close my eyes endure the discomfort and wait for the ride to end, I have to much at stake, I need to be certain that I steer through the sharp turns and bends to ensure that my passengers are looked after, especially the kids.
I often have wondered where our lives would be today had she let go of my leg all that time ago, but that was not meant to be our destiny, the only question now is wether it is fair for us to continue holding onto each other.
Although it feels like I am on a roller coaster ride, I can tell you this is no amusement park.

In the words of Franklin P. Jones "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

Remember Me....

My 5 year old daughter has always had a bit of an eye for the boys, it is with trepidation that I have watch here explore many a love affair with different "boyfriends". There is an amazing beauty in the innocence of young love, and I love seeing how basic love could and maybe should be. The latest little guy in her string of boyfriends seems to have stolen her heart, he seems like a nice enough and gentle chap, and he treats her like the princess I know her to be. The following is a letter that she dictated to my wife to write on her going away card for him:
"Oh Nicholas I know that you are going to China, come back when you are 21. I hope you have a nice time in China. please have a lovely time and don't forget about me. This is a card for you, take it with you and I will miss you. Come fetch me when you are 21. Love From X.

When I was 8 I fell in love for the first time, although we were so young the relationship for the two of us felt real and mature, we often dreamed of marriage and a long future together. Even in my youth I enjoyed the stability of long term relationships, we were able to sustain this relationship for nearly 4 years until the day came that her family had decided to immigrate.
I remember the sheer devastation at the prospect of not only losing my love, but my best friend as well. She had become my safety net and rock in what for me was a very insecure childhood.
We pledged our undying love and promised to wait for each other, a task even more difficult in those days without email, Skype or Facebook, so after the 1st few letters and the time that allowed our fragile hearts to mend, we both found it possible to move on.
Today she still lives abroad, is in a committed and happy lesbian relationship and has recently had children, we still chat and reminisce back to the old days, but despite our desire to be together and in a world where the only constant is change it was inevitable that we would go our separate ways.

When my wife and I were living together, just shortly after the 911 Attacks my Dad bought us a painting of the World Trade Centres and at the back he wrote "only love endures." Love is such a vital foundation to a solid and committed relationship, but all to often love alone is just not enough.
On my last post I was asked the question that if I did not have a wife, boyfriend or children where would I find myself being pulled and what would my sexual orientation be? This is a good question and one that I am giving allot of thought. So much of this journey has been about picking who I want to be with, instead of simplifying it to a simple where is it that I would like to be and who is that I see myself as.

My Wife, Boyfriend and I have taken the decision to take these 5 weeks (of which 2 weeks are left), to figure out what it is we all want, because for both my boyfriend and wife they seem to want me it has left me with the ultimate decision as to who it is that I wanted to be with. I see now that the decision is just going to be to overwhelming and daunting for me, and changing the focus onto where rather than with whom might be a better way forward for me and make the decision all that easier.
Perhaps being alone for awhile might also be the better overall decision, that way I have no expectations on anyone else except myself, it will allow me the time to balance and explore within myself. Making the decision to be alone might seem simple, but considering the trauma that my children went through last time, it is a decision that I know is not free of consequences and one that I will have to carefully contemplate, but one that might ultimately be necessary.

Somewhere in the last hurdle of this emotional journey I seem to be losing my boyfriend, he has his own journey, demons and issues to overcome. I have never doubted his love, dedication or desire to be with me, the last few months with him are dotted with wonderful memories, experiences and he has awoken me in so many ways.
Looking back I think how lucky I am that it is he that was able to catch me, and although perhaps he feels the contray, I think he underestimates the goodness, love and impact that he has given my life for the positive. I fell in love with a guy running barefoot into a night club to buy more cigarettes, our lives started off in the most simple of situations with very few expectations, but I guess in the ever changing world life got complicated for us.
As I feel him slipping from between my fingers, just like my daughter's card I too want to say that I love him and ask him to come fetch me one day, but I know all to well that this is neither fair nor realistic, I guess just like my daughter all I can hope for is that he does not forget me...

You look so Gay in that Box...

Yesterday I was feeling very down, the ever looming deadline and realization of an impending decision seems to be taking it's toll on me. Whilst popping out for my morning ritual, which is a coffee and muesli rusk, I noticed a man walking in wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that read "I am not gay, but my boyfriend is", I had to smile. He wore it with pride and I could not help but think to myself how far we had come, and yet how far we still have to go.

This week I was upset to read how a fellow blogger seemed to struggle labeling himself as gay (which is fair enough I feel the same way), but i disagreed with his reasoning and I quote "It’s just that sometimes I don’t like being lumped in the same category as the fruity fruit loops. That sounds bad but it’s the truth." He was referring to being thrown into the same box as effeminate gay men.
I am definitely not a believer in being labeled either, I have written about this in an earlier post, and to be honest as an extremely masculine straight acting man I often struggle with the concept of classifying myself as bi-sexual let alone gay. I however have learnt that it does not matter whether or not I am labelled or choose to fit into one of the numerous boxes available as it is all irrelevant, however what does matter is that I am happy.

I try not to judge others, I have in the past, but somehow along this journey I would like to think that I have softened, become more gentle, more tolerant and less judgemental. I have come to the realization that everyone has the right to be happy, but often it comes with great hardship, especially when it comes to ones sexual identity. So I have to ask myself, how is it that someone who is battling with his own sexuality, who is unable to be brave enough to live his life openly, and hides the truth not only from his family and friends, but from himself as well (I am not judging him for this), still finds it within himself to criticize effeminate gays? Does he not realize that they represent the very thing he is striving for....a honest and open life, a more accepting world and an understanding of there sexuality.

I wish I was raised not only in a more accepting time, but that I had parents that were more open minded to me being different, I pursued living their expectations of a life that they desired for me as i was not brave enough to live the construct of my own life or challenge and questione what was presented to me as the right path.
I have no regrets, I was blessed to marry a wonderful woman, with whom anyone would be thrilled to have as their life partner, and I have been blessed with two beautiful children, but I remain with the question, would this have been my choice knowing what I now know, having explored my sexuality and knowing that I have the capacity to not only be with a man sexually, but to love him as well?

On Sunday night, my boyfriends emotions and the challenge and frustration of the last few weeks culminated into and emotional outbreak and the desire for him to now have an answer. I got the sense that he was less concerned as to what the answer would be than him actually receiving the answer itself, I think that the desire to get on with his life had become all too consuming. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt our mutual love, and I certainly don't doubt his desire for a future together, but I think and fairly so, that everyone involved is now exhausted and requiring some sense of stability and normality back in their lives
We have all been on a roller coaster ride over the last few months, but I would like to think that despite the pain, torment and exhaustion we have all endured, we all seem to be allot more aware of ourselves and each one of us would agree maybe even better people.

I can honestly say, I am not sure which life it is I see myself happiest in, I guess I will never fully know. I do know that letting go of either life though is going to be enormously challenging for me. I not only have fears with choosing a life, but I also have fears about the life I choose to leave behind.
Leaving my wife, would mean leaving my home, and allowing her to not only meet new men, but to also allow that man to play the role of father to my children. Yes I would always be their Dad, but it is a hard pill to swallow to imagine another man having more time with my children than even I, not to mention my children's mental states, my wife's emotions and everything else I would be giving up on.
Leaving my boyfriend leaves me with the fear and notion of someone else having the access to him that I have enjoyed, it will be hard to stop worrying and caring for him, i think of him so often and I fear that he would regress back into an empty life with little regard to how wonderful and special he is, but through it all, the fear that worries me the most, its the fear of simply not having either my wife or boyfriend in my life.

I honestly believe that I find myself having to make this decision that I am now faced with because i was not raised knowing that exploring and challenging this part of myself in my youth was ok. I find myself in this situation for fear of being judged, labelled and ridiculed just as my fellow blogger is doing to others even in his own struggle for his identity, but most of all I struggle within myself to undo the fear that exists in my own limitations from leading this life.
I guess if I was brave enough to wear a t-shirt in public it would read "I am not gay, but I love my boyfriend", the question is am I brave enough, or would I rather just ridicule others who are?

Hitting a Chord

Somehow since taking this journey, I seem to have become more aware and awake to life happening around me, I now am able to see beauty in the things that ordinarily would have just passed me by.
A few days ago whilst at my boyfriend's gallery he had a blind man tuning his piano. The man was unable to actually play the piano, but because of his inability to see (he was born blind), his hearing had become so sensitive that it allows him to distinguish the finest differences between notes. I found absolute beauty in watching how he he had become so acutely aware of the piano he was working on.

I think why watching him resonated with me was that I too feel like I am trying to tune my life, and in my inability to find clarity I am striving to become acutely aware of my emotions and feelings.
Today there are 3 weeks left in the time frame that I have been given to explore what it is I think i would like from life, and the more I explore the more confused and lost I seem to become, each day seems like a vacillation of emotions.
In 3 weeks I have to decide which life it is that I feel the strongest pull and desire for. No matter which life I select to pursue, I will have to let the other go and what scares me the most is that I know no matter which decision it is that I make, I will feel tremendous pain. How do I knowingly let someone I love go?

I know that I can no longer lead two lives, for me the living of a double life is exhausting, confusing and not fair on my family or boyfriend, but in it I seem to have found a wholeness that I think will be hard to replicate in the pursuit of only one life.
So what is the answer, how do I proceed, how do I continue to exist and how do I find my wholeness going forward after selecting just one life?
I guess the answer lies in myself, now knowing that there is so much of life that I have let me pass me by unnoticed, i will try and find wholeness and fill the void that will be created in letting go by exploring not only within myself, but with the new found beauty of how I integrate with the world around me.

This probably all sounds very philosophical, but I guess in a way I am trying to reassure myself that I will be ok, that I will be able to survive the pain and that in time I will learn to accept my new life.
I am hoping that in the coming weeks, like the blind man tuning the piano I too will be acutely tuned to the sound of my heart, and be able to listen to it, the same way that I am now able to hear a symphony simply by listening to the rustling of the leaves in the wind.

A Letter to my Wife...

This is a letter that I am going to read to my wife at our marriage counselling session tomorrow:

Our wedding was a spectacular event and celebration, we were able to create a ceremony that was a true testimony to our love for each other. Watching the video again, I can still see how even in our youth and exuberance how very much in love we were even then, we seemed to glow with happiness and excitement at the beautiful future we saw ourselves having. 9 years ago I said in my wedding speech to you, "so many people have said to me that a relationship takes hard work, but with you Babe, you make loving you so easy", I see now that I was wrong and right.

I was wrong to think that a relationship is not hard work, maybe in my youth I was unaware and minimizing the commitment and promise that I was in fact making to you. We were in such a hurry to begin our path to a life that we saw our parents having and the desire for the stability of a family that we were maybe oblivious to the work and hardships I am sure that our parents must have had endured to get there.
Somewhere between the birth of our 2 kids(which we again rushed into with eagerness) that were born with just a 14 month age gap, prenatal depression, work stress and trying to climb the social ladder, we have seemed to lose each other.
I think we found ourselves pulling apart, you engulfing yourself into motherhood and the role of house wife, and me trying to ensure that we had all the material trappings required, and networking ourselves into the upper crust of society. We achieved all of this at a very young age often to the resentment and jealousy of those around us, but also slowly developing deep resentment for each other.
We seemed to lose the Joie de Vivre for life, putting on copious amounts weight, and entering the comfortable slumber of the mundane.

In the same breath I was so right in my speech, loving you was always easy, we got so much right within our marriage. We have always enjoyed a mutual respect, love, kindness and until now total trust in each other.
I guess I have always had sexual identity issues, although I was never able to understand them myself let alone to try and explain them to anyone else, and so this was an aspect of my life I chose to ignore and repress.
I know now, that allot of my internal anger and hardness has come from trying to be someone I wasn't or more so not having explored or understanding this part of me, however what saddens me the most is that you bore the brunt of it. I feel I have left your self confidence damaged at the prospect of a husband who was not able to fully desire you as a women, and it is for this reason that I have chosen the path of total honesty with you. I see now how we tended to make mountains out of mole hills, because there was never anything significant in our marriage to fight about, so we took the little things as an outlet for our ever growing resentment for each other and a diversion from the truth.

I don't need to explain resentment to you, but I do know that it is a difficult emotion to overcome, it is different to anger or pain, and ultimately will be our greatest obstacle to conquer.
As I sit her today, I feel inadequate to be your husband, and I feel like I have failed the promise to you in my wedding speech "that the work will be mine to make you always feel like the Queen you are to me", somewhere along the way I pulled back and probably left you feeling anything but the Royalty you truly are.
Through this all I need you to know, that I have never stopped loving you, and when I said in my speech "that you are my best friend and wife of my dreams", I meant it and still do. Even in my youth, even in my confusion of my sexuality, I always knew without any doubt, you were and always will be the only women in the world for me. Not a day has gone by that I have not been proud and honoured to have you by my side. Together we have slowly managed to lose our weight and achieve the bodies we desired, we have overcome our depression and we are raising two wonderful little people, but now the time has come for us to look even deeper.

We have been asked to asses what it is that we want out of our marriage, and the obvious answer is for us both to be happy, fulfilled and whole, but more than that I want the adventure back. I want the excitement, mutual ambition and most of all I want the stimulation. Somehow in all of this we seem to have pulled together, buoyed by the challenge and unified in our efforts to care for each other and to protect our family, and now we find ourselves self reflecting and finding each other in the mirror.
Going forward I would look for us to be independent in our thoughts and lives, to be together whilst at the same time being individuals free of suffocation, but still sharing our challenges, hardships and successes, I don't want us to settle, I want us to live, taste life and continue to grow, I want to do this without living a life dictated to us by social rules and acceptability's.
Running away would have been the easy choice, running away would be the norm, I know that I have broken many a vow and commitment that I made on that special day, but at the very least I am still here, fighting, trying and doing the very best that I can.

I am so sorry that the youngster who stood in front of you, presenting confidence and promising you the world has let you down in such a big way, you deserved more and you continue to deserve more going forward. If anything though, even in the lack of sexual passion and desire , I hope that I have never left you doubting my absolute respect and deep soulful love for you. In the words of our wedding song by Joe Cocker:

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
To me

You are so wonderful
To me
You are so wonderful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so wonderful
To me

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
To me

Life is a Cabaret....

On Saturday night I went out once again for dinner with both my boyfriend and my wife. This time we went to a new restaurant in town with a Burlesque theme, it all felt very Moulin Rouge and one critic described it as "an evening of pure escapism."
It was good food and an excellent cabaret show, it is not often that you find a place that gets both so right.
It was a wonderful evening enjoying our unique "setup" in and environment that reminded me of and era of decadence and simple pleasures.



The show was filled with both beautiful men and women, doing some amazing things, often in scant outfits and with the men usually being topless and showing of perfect physiques.
I was often questioned by my wife and boyfriend what I thought of the dancers, and to be honest I was enjoying them all. When a topless man was on stage I leaned in closer, when a women removed her top I knocked over my wine and so the evening went on, and it became ever more apparent that I am possibly just a bi-sexual man.

I find myself increasingly daunted by the idea that time is running out on our agreed open marriage, and we all near the point of us needing to decide on the way forward.
My boyfriend mentioned to me the other day that he heard that bi-sexual men tend to see sexual desire in other men, but look for the emotional connection in women. This is a fascinating concept for me, and reminded me of a entry that a man wrote saying that he wanted a man's body and a women's mind. I have not identified this as me, but it certainly resonates.

My wife asked me, if it is that I am bi-sexual and that I could see myself integrating into either world, how is it that I would be willing to lose everything that we have built together over the last 12 years, our home, family and life.
The stakes here are high, and the price is very expensive that I need to pay in order to explore this new and unknown life that I find myself pursuing, and to be honest I don't know the answer as to why it is I am willing to risk everything I have built, but in that I guess lies a question in itself. The fact that I am risking everything obviously shows how important the pursuit of this life and this man must be to me.

I know I love my wife, I have a deep seated trust and comfort with her, our bond and love are even noticed by my boyfriend. I think what allows for our unique relationship is that we have mutual respect and a wonderful friendship upon which we have constructed our marriage, and expanded it to our family.
Her opinion matters, we have an unspoken language that we can communicate with our eyes alone and I often describe our interaction as a ballet.
Having said this things went astray along the way, our relationship lost the passion, and both of us in our increasing resentment built a wall from which behind we became numb, we reached a point where we were no longer were stimulating each other.
Somehow in all of this we seem to be reconnecting, it has become extremely apparent how much we care for each other, now we need to decide how it is that we can ensure the others greatest happiness.

I have big choices to make, and I am becoming more aware that there seems to be no right choice here, either way I will be losing something.
I am scared knowing that no matter what, I am about to be hurt, and encounter an emotional struggle going forward, I suppose no matter which life I chose there is going to be allot of work to do.
As sung by Liza Minelli in the famous musical, "Life is a Cabaret, Ol Chum", and now the show must go on...

My Bath Runneth Over

The other night my son was in the bath, I could hear him swishing around in it trying to makes waves, my wife was repeatedly telling him to stop to no avail until I could hear the water pouring out onto the floor.
My son is one of those really good little souls, delicate in his nature and always keen to please, but like all children and boys in particular, sometimes he likes to test the theory that for every action there is a reaction, the reaction in this case was a flooded bathroom.
I was furious, not because of the mess, but because he had not listened to his Mom's continuous instruction for him to stop, I walked in and really shouted at him and then I returned to my bedroom.
After he had put on his pyjamas I saw him return to the bathroom which my wife was busy drying up, and he said to her, "please mommy let me clean it, it is my mistake and I need to fix it."



I guess that is how i feel at the moment, I am often overwhelmed by the feeling that this is all my mistake and I need to fix it. Yesterday my wife was furious, for the first time through all of this she found her anger and unleashed it on me.
I don't really have a leg to stand on here, and all I can do is absorb it adding to my already all consuming guilt. I was actually pleased to see her venting and the very least I can do is be there to take it. Communication is a vital outlet and considering that she is holding my secret and that there is no one else that she is able to share this all with (other than her shrink and our marriage councillor), I have to be willing to listen, or in this case be shouted at. I guess what scared or surprised me the most is that my wife is a gentle and timid sole, I know she has fire within her, but this was the most aggressive I had ever known her to be.

I don't relish having to put her through this, I asked her what it is she would like me to do, to which she had no answer. I never wanted these feelings, would she really have wanted me to continue my life simply repressing a drive that seems to be such a big part of who I am?
I am not making excuses here, she is hurt, and more than entitled to anger and frustration, but I just am not sure how to shut it off for her. I am scared to find myself in a situation where we return to resentment and anger at each other yet again, because I find that I am denying and lying to myself.
I am beginning to consider myself a bi-sexual man, but that does not really help me much, because in that it becomes impossible for me to find a whole life, the only way to feel complete living a bisexual life would be to continue getting the best of both worlds and that is not what I want.

My wife and I were able to patch, reconnect and support each other yesterday, we also had a good marriage counselling session which seemed to do wonders, we luckily have a very open minded councillor who provides us both with the tools to keep moving forward. Just as my 7 year old boy is learning and beginning to accept responsibility, so do I, this is not so much a mistake as much as it is us trying to navigate a very difficult situation, but none the less I seem to have made waves and now I am not sure how to stop the bath from overflowing.

Looking back, Moving forward...

I had never seen anybody die before.....
A month before I left home I saw a man collapse in front of me, I rushed up to him, immediately called the paramedics, he looked so old although i know now he was in his early forties, he was grey, his skin, his hair and his eyes all grey. I took his mobile phone to call the last number dialled to which a nurse at a nearby hospital answered. I asked for his name, this was no stranger to me, although I could not recognize him in his current condition, the man in front of me was a florist that assisted me with every arrangement I ever sent to my wife, he helped in the design of our garden and he was the florist for our wedding.

The nurse would not tell me what was wrong with him other than to warn me to take blood precaution, this meant HIV. As I hung up and was about to dial the paramedics again, he turned his head and looked into my eyes, he acknowledged me, and then right in front of me with his eyes locked on mine he died.
What struck me further was how the rain started to pour down, here was this man on a pavement, alone other than me, and now he was dead in the rain.

At the time i think I underestimated how profound an event this was for me, it made me feel so incredibly mortal, I had now seen death and it was far from those Hollywood productions, it was raw, cold, lonely and finite.
In the same breath it motivated me to want to live life, and all i want is to try and do it as whole and happy as I can. In order to do that I engulfed myself into a journey of self discovery and understanding which has lead me along a path where I am now faced with a T-junction in front of me. In under 5 weeks, I need to let both my boyfriend and wife know where they stand.
My shrink advised that I look at what i will be gaining and what I would be loosing by selecting either life's path that I am faced to choose, so this is what i will try to now do.

Should I choose to leave my wife, there is obviously the materialist things that I leave behind such as the home that I have custom built, furniture and the like that would need to be resolved, and of course the monetary wealth that would need to be divided on an agreed basis. I have no desire to not provide for the mother of my children and in a divorce I would want to do financially right by her.
Then there is the loss of totally free access to my kids, yes i would still get to see them allot, but it is not quite the same. I don't have the ability to just jump into bed with them on a night that I wish to,and there is definitely allot of special moments that I would miss out on. Today the joy on my son's face was evident, just because the whole family was in the pool together. I would leave behind a women that has proven her dedication to me, who has been a rock through most of my adult life. We have a history together, and she is probably the person who knows me better than anyone else in this world.
I would be leaving a person that I love dearly, respect and cherish, we share a unique connection and love that is evident to the people around us.

We all know that materialist reasons are not a basis for a life, so although I know this should not factor in, in the real world it obviously does, but I do not think this would be something i would not be able to overcome.
As I found when leaving home previously, my children are extremely important to me and i would never let them out of my life, although I might not enjoy the same quantity of time, perhaps the time I do spend would be more focused on quality and if their parents are happy and whole souls, this will surely make there lives more fulfilled.
I would also try my hardest to maintain a relationship with my wife, if anything she is my best friend, I often wonder if i am not holding her back from a more complete life, from a man who would undoubtedly be able to love her not just for her inner beauty and magnificence, but as a women as well. As I write this I tear up at the thought of another man loving her, and even though I may lack the ability to physically show affection, I have a deep love for her that I doubt she will ever truly know. My greatest pain in life is the inability to express this love and the ability to show her in a tangible manner how special she is.

I would give this up for the pursuit of a man with whom I find it easy to physically express myself, for someone who has opened my eyes and my heart in a way that I would never have thought possible.
He has been able to help me see that what I have repressed for my entire life, a part of myself that I have always seen as wrong, bad, dirty and dark is actually where my true beauty lies, because over the last few months I have felt like the caterpillar that crawled into the cocoon and came out spreading my wings as a butterfly. He has allowed me to unlock years of pain, and to seek for the wholeness and a inner happiness that I did not know existed.
Along this road I have learnt that we are beautiful in our imperfection, and that just because of our impurities and flaws does not mean that we are not still able to be good, he has taught me this and he has done it with gentleness and kindness

I pay the ultimate price to explore this relatively unknown life with him, and in turn the pursuit of a life as a gay man. I have parents to deal with, friends to explain too and whilst this is not simply changing lovers or life partners it is a total reconstruction of who i am as a person.
I do all this while taking a leap into total vulnerability unaware of the strength of the net that I would hope would catch me on the other side. And whilst I know that this should be a decision purely based on myself and with little expectations on him, it is he who I would ultimately be picking.

I am not sure that I am a gay man, I have tried to ignore that question and rather have tried to make this about people, and which person it is that I find myself feeling the most whole with. It is about choosing to live one life and ensuring that it is a honest life, not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.
To quote Nickelback, "each day is a gift not a given right", I don't know where, when or how I will take my last breath on this planet, all i know is that I hope that when i do that I have positively impacted others, that I have left a lasting impressions on my children and loved ones and that I lived doing the best that I could.


The Bridge of Sighs

Simplicity...

So far it has been a very emotional week for me, a week filled with me celebrating my birthday, watching my son enter Grade 1 at school and of course the 1st week of my marriage being open.
Yesterday a friend asked me if I would be able to settle back into a simple life, to which I have given allot of thought. You see my life went from being pretty average, stable and simple, into a journey of tremendous challenges, self reflection and personal growth all of which to me have made life hard, but interesting to live.

Sending my son off to "big school" yesterday bought back so many of my childhood memories. In fact I found the picture of my 1st day of school and uploaded it to Facebook together with a picture that I had taken of him. As happy and brave as I look in my picture is as scared and emotionally distressed that I remember feeling. I was an incredibly insecure child, scared of the world and loved remaining within my safe little bubble.
I was so proud of my son yesterday, I could see the fear on his face, however he remained brave and was able to keep it all together.
He enters 12 years of schooling ahead, I remember those school years seeming to take forever to get through, and the friendships, experiences and memories impact on us for the rest of our lives.

School was a tough period of my life, looking back there is so much of it I would have loved to have been able to have changed.
When I was young I had a girlfriend from Grade 2 until Grade 4, it was a magical relationship filled with beauty and innocence. She gave me a inner strength and confidence which I lacked, she was a strong little girl, but was always extremely gentle and loving with me, we often would talk of marriage and how we would live our lives together.
I had a awesome tree house that my father had built for me, it was truly a masterpiece and was my absolute happy place to be. My girlfriend and I would get naked in the tree house, exploring each others bodies, with no knowledge of what sex was, but simply enjoying the feeling of our skin touching and the fascination of the others body (I never had sisters). She was my 1st love, and a memory that I would never forget.
Today she is a happy lesbian, in a secure relationship with kids, even so we hold a special bond and place in each others hearts, we were childhood sweethearts.

Unfortunately my birthday was pretty much filled with work meetings, but none the less was a special day. I guess on ones birthday reflecting back is inevitable. Having reached 34 (which I know is still youngish), I seem to be looking back wondering if I have achieved the things I had set out to achieve.
Part of me wishes I had done some things differently, but ultimately looking back is useless other than for the purpose of making sure that I do not repeat the same "mistakes" and ensuring personal growth going forward.
I love my family so much, having them in my life is with out a doubt the most fulfilling and rewarding aspect of my life, encouraging my children to learn from my mistakes, or perhaps trying to guide them with the knowledge I have gained along the way is part of parenting.
I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, all we can do is provide support and love. For a child the greatest obstacle I think will always be overcoming their parents, parenting is a huge responsibility and certainly not a perfect science

Opening our marriage was a bold and trying decision, but one that I think was extremely necessary for us. I wish that I had taken the opportunity to have properly explored my sexuality in my youth, but I was never raised open minded enough, or taught to consider the larger world.
I was not built for a double life, as much as a struggle with some of my actions in the past, I still like to believe that I do ultimately have goodness to me. I have opened my heart and in doing so I have found tremendous love in return, I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and yet have found safety, but most importantly I am getting to meet a whole new me, someone who has always been there, but just a little scared to come out.

Confucius said:"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," this might be so true for me, but how else would I be able to grow if I did not challenge and question myself, as a black and white person I am beginning to realize that life sometimes needs to be lived in the grey.
The first man that I had a sexual encounter with had a header to his Internet profile reading "simplicity", it is ironic because in meeting him my life became anything but simple and for that I am grateful.
So the question remains, will I be able to live a simple life? I guess absolutely I would be able to, but would I want to?