Saturday, January 30, 2010

Hitting a Chord

Somehow since taking this journey, I seem to have become more aware and awake to life happening around me, I now am able to see beauty in the things that ordinarily would have just passed me by.
A few days ago whilst at my boyfriend's gallery he had a blind man tuning his piano. The man was unable to actually play the piano, but because of his inability to see (he was born blind), his hearing had become so sensitive that it allows him to distinguish the finest differences between notes. I found absolute beauty in watching how he he had become so acutely aware of the piano he was working on.

I think why watching him resonated with me was that I too feel like I am trying to tune my life, and in my inability to find clarity I am striving to become acutely aware of my emotions and feelings.
Today there are 3 weeks left in the time frame that I have been given to explore what it is I think i would like from life, and the more I explore the more confused and lost I seem to become, each day seems like a vacillation of emotions.
In 3 weeks I have to decide which life it is that I feel the strongest pull and desire for. No matter which life I select to pursue, I will have to let the other go and what scares me the most is that I know no matter which decision it is that I make, I will feel tremendous pain. How do I knowingly let someone I love go?

I know that I can no longer lead two lives, for me the living of a double life is exhausting, confusing and not fair on my family or boyfriend, but in it I seem to have found a wholeness that I think will be hard to replicate in the pursuit of only one life.
So what is the answer, how do I proceed, how do I continue to exist and how do I find my wholeness going forward after selecting just one life?
I guess the answer lies in myself, now knowing that there is so much of life that I have let me pass me by unnoticed, i will try and find wholeness and fill the void that will be created in letting go by exploring not only within myself, but with the new found beauty of how I integrate with the world around me.

This probably all sounds very philosophical, but I guess in a way I am trying to reassure myself that I will be ok, that I will be able to survive the pain and that in time I will learn to accept my new life.
I am hoping that in the coming weeks, like the blind man tuning the piano I too will be acutely tuned to the sound of my heart, and be able to listen to it, the same way that I am now able to hear a symphony simply by listening to the rustling of the leaves in the wind.


  1. I hope that you find clarity in deciding which path in life to pursue. Sometimes when I have had a major decision to make, I have found it helpful to stop the intellectual side of my brain and get back to my most basic emotions. What does my gut tell me is the right thing to do? At least for me, the intellect can confuse my instinctual feeling of what is right. I don't know if that will work for you, but I offer it as a method that has so far always been right for me.

  2. Personally, I think that by taking you so long to decide it's a sign that deep down inside you know what the answer is and what the correct thing is to do.

    Hope you make the right decision for you.

  3. Wow - I have personal thoughts on this - very strong opinions in fact. But I will not go through them here - it is your choice - and your life - and I wish you all the best in this decision -

    if you want to chat and get some outside perspective you know my addy!

    Best of luck. Seriously.

  4. Dear Bubby

    I just re-read some of your blog posts, and i really have disregarded the heaviness of your disposition.

    I really don't actually have words. I don't have anything more to say. I just have a huge brownbearhug, and a huge apology.

    Warmest Regards

  5. Bubby,

    We're speechless. Just speechless. So brilliantly written. Breathe, sigh, feel, scream, cry, laugh, wonder, squint your eyes, continue to explore teh world in and around you. Then, breathe, sigh and smile again. Repeat.