I unfortunately have not written of late, in fact I have actually had my blog locked, not because I did not want to write, on the contrary I love the emotional release that my blog has provided me. My blog had become popular reading within the city that I live and for fear of having my intimate thoughts exposed I chose to lock it down. It is ironic that with my "coming out" to the entire community as an openly gay man, I chose to hide my blog from the world. I am in no way embarrassed of my my journey, but I have always written openly and honestly and as much as I loved sharing my thoughts and life path with the world, I needed to protect not exposing my "wife", who I often write about.
The last few months have been an eventful time for me, I have endured allot as I find myself navigating through the new world and life that I now find in front of me. The desire to live my truth for me was so powerful that once I found myself on the path of honesty it was only a matter of time before I got to the point where I find myself now, liberated, free and the master of my own destiny. The relief on my face is noticeable to all those around me and I am truly blessed to have the full support of my "wife", family and friends. The community that I thought would judge me, has accepted me with open arms and if anything I have been labeled by my bravery and not my sexuality, something that I hoped would happen, but never expected.
This has not all been easy for me, the choice to live my truth was not for me alone, the guilt associated with not being able to give a women that I love so dearly everything that she deserves from a husband was as much as a motivation for me as my desire to live my own life openly. Like she once said to me, "to be desired is not a luxury, but rather a necessity." She has now met a man, (who I like very much for her), but watching how he is able to give her everything that I wish I could is by no means easy. Ultimately her happiness means more to me than the pain I get from seeing her moving on, but not away. I don't think anyone wishes to be gay (I certainly didn't), it is more a journey of accepting the ultimate truth that one simply is. For me this acceptance has been conflicted at times, I have even resented being gay, maybe even self torturing to a degree, but with the more time that seems to pass the easier this acceptance seems to become for me.
I often find myself waking up in the morning, and for a few moments before opening my eyes I pray that this all is just a dream, only to reach across for my "wife" who is not there. I still feel for the missing wedding band on my finger as I mourn everything that I have had to leave behind, but not lose. What is gained though is a liberation that I am sure all that have taken the journey can understand all to well. I like the person I see in the mirror and I relish in the bask of unconditional love that I have experienced as I find myself being accepted for the person I truly am and I feel a sense of pride for my courage.
My kids are thriving as they comment how happy they think we look, they seem stable and secure under the protection that we have maintained for them through the turmoil. If anything, we are ensuring that this journey is in fact a legacy for them to realize that the love we have for them will always be unconditional, showing them not to judge others or even more importantly not to fear the judgement of others. The process of explaining this all to them is something that will be done delicately and slowly, however ensuring that they are armed for both the positive and negative that they might encounter in a world that is already not easy. We are raising our children by the adage that it takes a village to raise a child, with the entire family playing significant roles in their lives as we all rally together, united and strong.
Every night that my kids go to bed I can't help but enjoy the fact that I know where they are, wrapped up safe. This will not last for long as they too will need to embark on the journey of exploring the world and themselves. I now feel like that teenager who is exposed to the wider world as I travel the path of discovery. Although I know that what I eventually want is that feeling that one gets when meeting someone who able to stirs one with passion, trust and love. I also know that I need some time to not only mend, but to develop a relationship with myself first. Most of my path of late has seemed to be about putting myself in situations that I ordinarily would never have thought possible, I seem to be figuring out what it is I don't want as I travel along a road of making mistakes, but all the while ensuring that I remain true to myself, those around me and maintaining my self worth. There is no specific door into the gay world and so I find myself fumbling around trying to find a place that I am comfortable with.
The decision to live my truth as a gay man was not an easy decision, yes it has been painful, yes I have been conflicted and yes I miss what I have had to leave behind, but not once have I regretted my decision, because if I have learnt anything it is quiet simply that it would have been impossible to live my life happily under a cloud of dishonesty and repression. I might open my eyes in the morning to a new reality, my finger might be lighter without my wedding band, but my life is fuller knowing that I have not lost anyone I love, if anything I have been able to grow those relationships as I step out from the shadows and into the light. My motto that I am living by is: "happiness is for the brave."