As I sit here writing this, I should actually have been on a plane on my way to the Holy Land, but sometimes as I have recently learnt all to well, life throws us a "curve ball".
I am usually such an organized and together kinda guy, having all the i's dotted and the t's crossed, but alas in my confusion of my life I seem to struggle to find focus.
This morning as I was preparing my normal travel routine, I came to the sudden shock that I had allowed my passport to expire making it impossible for me to make the trip. Although it was going to be just a short business trip, I was looking forward to getting away from reality for a little while, but sometimes life prevents us from achieving that.
Today it was as if my wife had woken up, alert to the reality of our circumstance, and although our best intentions going forward were to preserve not only our relationship, but to safeguard the sanctity of our family, we have come to ask at what expense.
Our love for each other has never been in question, and we have all the makings of a wonderful marriage together, but in order to achieve and build a successful marriage where one partner is likely gay and actively needing to explore this part of myself, it seems like an impossibility. We are both still young, attractive and I am certain deserving of more than locking ourselves into a relationship that is unable to be fulfilling to either of us.
For me I have been on a relatively short journey in order to try and come to a big understanding of who it is I am, and although I am certain that it will till take a considerable amount of time before I evolve or even remotely come close to figuring out this answer, what I do know is, a relationship in which I need to be honest to my wife, whilst lying to myself is neither fair nor practical. If sexuality is a pendulum like everyone describes with people falling in different levels on the arc of the swing, I do not know where exactly I would fall on this scale, but I am aware that whilst my pendulum might still be swinging the odds are that it will likely fall closer to the gay side than the straight.
One might think that this is allot to give up, that the price we are paying by letting go of a 12 year relationship, and a family built is just to high, but I would argue that the price in not letting go is even higher. I have always felt guilt at what it is that I have not been able to provide my wife over the years, I have felt underlying disappointment for not being true to myself, but most of all I can not live with myself asking my wife to let go of so much of herself when I am not prepared or able to give up this in me. I can only hope that the support and love that my wife and I have will be enough and will endure us through, that we will be able to support each other as we embark on new paths all be them separate ones, but most of all I just pray that we will always be able to remain unified as parents.
So while I have not travelled away, i am neither home, I guess i am in a state of no man's land as we now try and navigate our way forward. I am scared, daunted and feeling tremendously tired, somehow I even feel an extreme sense of loneliness, but I am a father and my family needs me to now focus and help steer us through.
It has been an extremely turbulent ride and I know those around me have had opinions as to what would be right for us in this situation, but I guess all we needed was time so as to enable us to not only discover, but accept the reality...