Monday, March 29, 2010

I did it my "gay"........

The following is a quote from the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

For me that's what I am doing, finding the strength to start all over again, a fresh beginning in the pursuit of a life that I am able to be proud of, a life of passion and honesty. The other day, just before telling my Dad about my sexuality I was lying on the couch reading a book with my son, I asked him how he found one of his subjects at school to which he responded, "it is very boring, I am not being rude Dad, but it is not nice to lie," this obviously struck me, because to me I felt like what I had been doing for most of my life was living a lie, maybe not even consciously, but nonetheless a life that never felt like my construct. This is my last post for March, and although from a blogging point of view I have been quieter than previous months, from a personal level it has been a month filled with massive growth as I found myself searching for the strength to do what it is I knew I needed to do.

Last week I managed to tell my parents, brother, sister in law, mother in law and my best friend about my sexuality. Each and everyone of them has managed to not only accept, but offer their unwavering support to me. I was extremely buoyed and liberated by telling them all, for now everyone that really matters to me knows and now to some degree the honeymoon is over and the reality of the situation begins. I need to now carve out a new life for myself. For my wife and I we seem to have a great desire to maintain a relationship as the best of friends. We enjoy a deep love for each other and although letting go is unbelievably hard for us, it is a reality that we both now seem to know is unavoidable. I am currently seeking out a place to live and expect that in the next week or so, I will once again be packing my little bag as I once again move out of home.

It is an emotional time and one that causes a vacillation of emotions within me, I am pleased that unlike the last time I moved out of home, this time I do so with my loved ones not only understanding, but being able to offer support and remain within my life as I embark on this latest path, a path that seems will now lead me on a new journey. I come from a prominent family within our community "bubble" and due to the fact of who I am, I am expecting allot of interest and fascination within my life. This will to a large degree be my next obstacle and challenge. I am ever mindful of my children, so whilst my coming out would be an activist's dream to try and change stigma's and perception's within our conservative community, I am not here to change society, I am simply trying to change the way I live in it, always conscious that the steps that I take I want to do with dignity allowing my family to remain proud and leaving a legacy for my children who will hopefully judge me on my bravery over and above everything else.

Like I have written before, it is not change alone that scares me, it is regretting what I leave behind. My wife will always be the measure of the person I would want by my side. I know I want more than anything to keep her in my life in the greatest capacity possible, whilst all the while conscious that like she has supported me, I too will support her on her pursuit to find the much deserved happiness she is entitled to. Today when I look in the mirror I am able to feel a sense of pride, pride at not only what I have been able to achieve, but pride at the fact that I have managed to do so with a sense of integrity and above all honesty. There really is no rules as to how one can live life and if I can achieve anything from this decision, it is simply the hope that for my kids they will know that in life if we are brave enough, strong enough and bold enough we really can start all over again, ensuring that we living our one life as happily as possible.

Frank Sinatra:
"For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!"

8 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you and proud of you and your journey!

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  2. Congratulations on all that you have done in the past few months, Bubby. It has taken much bravery on your part to make the changes that you have. By living your life you will be making changes in your society, among those around you.

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  3. I am so proud of you and very excited for the road ahead. There so many new experiences to be had.
    Wish I could meet you. Your posts are always so insightful.
    Hugz
    Johan

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  4. You sound so happy. It's great!

    http://idontunderstanditeither.blogspot.com/

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  5. this is a good day. glad to see you taking a path not out of convenience but rather neccessity.

    Awesome!

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  6. Great going man; I have been the same route and it is forward from here on to better things. It is tough for the family, but by your future actions your kids will know you love them and understand.

    Dave

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  7. I'm glad that everyone has been supportive. Good luck with the move - and the beginning of a new life.

    -nl

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  8. I got so tired of the lying.

    "But I can't help the feeling
    I could blow through the ceiling
    If I just turn and run

    And it wears me out, it wears me out
    It wears me out, it wears me out

    And if I could be who you wanted
    If I could be who you wanted
    All the time, all the time"

    Tom Yorke / Fake Plastic Trees

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1GQIrl4QaE

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