Friday, February 5, 2010

Remember Me....

My 5 year old daughter has always had a bit of an eye for the boys, it is with trepidation that I have watch here explore many a love affair with different "boyfriends". There is an amazing beauty in the innocence of young love, and I love seeing how basic love could and maybe should be. The latest little guy in her string of boyfriends seems to have stolen her heart, he seems like a nice enough and gentle chap, and he treats her like the princess I know her to be. The following is a letter that she dictated to my wife to write on her going away card for him:
"Oh Nicholas I know that you are going to China, come back when you are 21. I hope you have a nice time in China. please have a lovely time and don't forget about me. This is a card for you, take it with you and I will miss you. Come fetch me when you are 21. Love From X.

When I was 8 I fell in love for the first time, although we were so young the relationship for the two of us felt real and mature, we often dreamed of marriage and a long future together. Even in my youth I enjoyed the stability of long term relationships, we were able to sustain this relationship for nearly 4 years until the day came that her family had decided to immigrate.
I remember the sheer devastation at the prospect of not only losing my love, but my best friend as well. She had become my safety net and rock in what for me was a very insecure childhood.
We pledged our undying love and promised to wait for each other, a task even more difficult in those days without email, Skype or Facebook, so after the 1st few letters and the time that allowed our fragile hearts to mend, we both found it possible to move on.
Today she still lives abroad, is in a committed and happy lesbian relationship and has recently had children, we still chat and reminisce back to the old days, but despite our desire to be together and in a world where the only constant is change it was inevitable that we would go our separate ways.

When my wife and I were living together, just shortly after the 911 Attacks my Dad bought us a painting of the World Trade Centres and at the back he wrote "only love endures." Love is such a vital foundation to a solid and committed relationship, but all to often love alone is just not enough.
On my last post I was asked the question that if I did not have a wife, boyfriend or children where would I find myself being pulled and what would my sexual orientation be? This is a good question and one that I am giving allot of thought. So much of this journey has been about picking who I want to be with, instead of simplifying it to a simple where is it that I would like to be and who is that I see myself as.

My Wife, Boyfriend and I have taken the decision to take these 5 weeks (of which 2 weeks are left), to figure out what it is we all want, because for both my boyfriend and wife they seem to want me it has left me with the ultimate decision as to who it is that I wanted to be with. I see now that the decision is just going to be to overwhelming and daunting for me, and changing the focus onto where rather than with whom might be a better way forward for me and make the decision all that easier.
Perhaps being alone for awhile might also be the better overall decision, that way I have no expectations on anyone else except myself, it will allow me the time to balance and explore within myself. Making the decision to be alone might seem simple, but considering the trauma that my children went through last time, it is a decision that I know is not free of consequences and one that I will have to carefully contemplate, but one that might ultimately be necessary.

Somewhere in the last hurdle of this emotional journey I seem to be losing my boyfriend, he has his own journey, demons and issues to overcome. I have never doubted his love, dedication or desire to be with me, the last few months with him are dotted with wonderful memories, experiences and he has awoken me in so many ways.
Looking back I think how lucky I am that it is he that was able to catch me, and although perhaps he feels the contray, I think he underestimates the goodness, love and impact that he has given my life for the positive. I fell in love with a guy running barefoot into a night club to buy more cigarettes, our lives started off in the most simple of situations with very few expectations, but I guess in the ever changing world life got complicated for us.
As I feel him slipping from between my fingers, just like my daughter's card I too want to say that I love him and ask him to come fetch me one day, but I know all to well that this is neither fair nor realistic, I guess just like my daughter all I can hope for is that he does not forget me...


  1. As you are moving toward your decision, you have a complication thrown into your path. I can only hope that despite this you can choose the path that is best for you.

  2. Its not a complication as much as its a by-product of a complicated situation. But I don't think it has to be that way, and I can tell you that your boyfriend is still as much by your side now as he was when you first fell in love with him, if not more so. I hope that the two of you believe in each other and in the love you have for each other. Choose the path that is going to lead to your own happiness, maybe now is the time to be a little selfish.

  3. ... and such is life. before anyone can commit him/herself to another, they MUST know themselves. take time to look deep and ask yourself what you NEED. no matter what, your wonderful children remain on the sidelines. i know it's hard, but keep the doors of communication open. Open. Open yourself... to the world in and around you. Breathe in and breathe out.