On Saturday night I went out once again for dinner with both my boyfriend and my wife. This time we went to a new restaurant in town with a Burlesque theme, it all felt very Moulin Rouge and one critic described it as "an evening of pure escapism."
It was good food and an excellent cabaret show, it is not often that you find a place that gets both so right.
It was a wonderful evening enjoying our unique "setup" in and environment that reminded me of and era of decadence and simple pleasures.
The show was filled with both beautiful men and women, doing some amazing things, often in scant outfits and with the men usually being topless and showing of perfect physiques.
I was often questioned by my wife and boyfriend what I thought of the dancers, and to be honest I was enjoying them all. When a topless man was on stage I leaned in closer, when a women removed her top I knocked over my wine and so the evening went on, and it became ever more apparent that I am possibly just a bi-sexual man.
I find myself increasingly daunted by the idea that time is running out on our agreed open marriage, and we all near the point of us needing to decide on the way forward.
My boyfriend mentioned to me the other day that he heard that bi-sexual men tend to see sexual desire in other men, but look for the emotional connection in women. This is a fascinating concept for me, and reminded me of a entry that a man wrote saying that he wanted a man's body and a women's mind. I have not identified this as me, but it certainly resonates.
My wife asked me, if it is that I am bi-sexual and that I could see myself integrating into either world, how is it that I would be willing to lose everything that we have built together over the last 12 years, our home, family and life.
The stakes here are high, and the price is very expensive that I need to pay in order to explore this new and unknown life that I find myself pursuing, and to be honest I don't know the answer as to why it is I am willing to risk everything I have built, but in that I guess lies a question in itself. The fact that I am risking everything obviously shows how important the pursuit of this life and this man must be to me.
I know I love my wife, I have a deep seated trust and comfort with her, our bond and love are even noticed by my boyfriend. I think what allows for our unique relationship is that we have mutual respect and a wonderful friendship upon which we have constructed our marriage, and expanded it to our family.
Her opinion matters, we have an unspoken language that we can communicate with our eyes alone and I often describe our interaction as a ballet.
Having said this things went astray along the way, our relationship lost the passion, and both of us in our increasing resentment built a wall from which behind we became numb, we reached a point where we were no longer were stimulating each other.
Somehow in all of this we seem to be reconnecting, it has become extremely apparent how much we care for each other, now we need to decide how it is that we can ensure the others greatest happiness.
I have big choices to make, and I am becoming more aware that there seems to be no right choice here, either way I will be losing something.
I am scared knowing that no matter what, I am about to be hurt, and encounter an emotional struggle going forward, I suppose no matter which life I chose there is going to be allot of work to do.
As sung by Liza Minelli in the famous musical, "Life is a Cabaret, Ol Chum", and now the show must go on...