This Past weekend I enjoyed "hanging" with my son, due to a cycle race that had closed down most roads and made travel difficult I decided to break out the scooter to buzz around on. About 2 years ago I was involved in a serious scooter accident, this has not only made me extremely cautious, but I have also resisted taking my kids on it. Having said this, there was no better day to overcome my fears in this regard and much to my son's delight as we navigated through the busy roads going from coffee shop to coffee shop. Life is made up of little moments of sheer bliss, looking at my son's happy little face, his pure contentment was evident When I felt his arms that were wrapped around me giving me a big squeeze followed by an "I love you Dad", his pure exhilaration became mine, it was a day of contentment for both of us.
Contentment, the feeling of pure bliss, satisfaction and happiness all seem momentary, life is dotted with this special moments and feelings, but underlying all those feelings is a struggle and hardship. I believe that without challenge, without the battle we are not able to truly enjoy the feeling of success, satisfaction and pure joy. I have come to realize that people search out the difficulties in life, hungering for a challenge. I would even go as far to say that we enjoy that life is not easy, because we use those experiences to grow and when we achieve or conquer our obstacles in our paths we are left with the feeling of contentment. The old saying "easy come easy go", might apply here, it is the things we need to fight for that are always the most rewarding.
My life has always been filled with challenges, I have always enjoyed being thrown in a little deeper than I could manage and perhaps have always created challenges for myself. At 34 I have lived a pretty diverse and interesting life so far, I have experienced many different facets of life and I have been able to enjoy multiple perspectives, but it is only now that I truly feel awake to the world. It is as if all my experiences have now come together and slowly the pieces of a puzzle are starting to fit, whilst I am far from understanding life, I certainly am beginning to understand myself. My challenge at the moment is unique to any I have faced before, I am conflicted between my desire to do right and the need to make some mistakes. None of this journey would have been possible without allowing myself a few mistakes along the way, but over the last few months I have managed to grow an inordinate amount, it is noticeable to those around me, especially to the person whose heart I lived under for 9 months, she probably has a very good sense of what I am going through, I think that mothers always do.
I had a fleeting chance to chat to my Mom, although I would have liked more time, somehow last week there was a moment that just seemed right to open up to her. Even though it was just creating the platform to enable me to later be more direct about my sexuality conflict. I was amazed, as we chatted I became certain that my Mom already knows, everything was referred to as "it" and all in all we had the most amazingly open and frank chat I think we have ever had whilst seemingly always aware of the "elephant in the room." I left there feeling so buoyed, confident in the fact that there is very little my parents would not assist and support me with, but more importantly accept, after all I am their son, and a good son at that. I now know as a father that the mistakes we make as parents are often the mistakes that our children bear and hold against us for a lifetime. My greatest achievement over the last few months is the ability to let go of my anger, I have accepted that my parents have done their absolute best that they could and I know I want and need them in my life, perhaps now more than ever.
At the moment I do feel a sense of contentment, however I continue to challenge myself. I am proud of what I have been able to achieve, the way I have faced my challenges and the person that I am evolving into. For me this weekend was not just a matter of me overcoming my fear and getting back onto a bike, it was more than that, it was a chance to connect with my boy, to stop and enjoy the fruits of my labour, what better way to do that then by looking into my little son's eyes and seeing him content.