Simplicity...

So far it has been a very emotional week for me, a week filled with me celebrating my birthday, watching my son enter Grade 1 at school and of course the 1st week of my marriage being open.
Yesterday a friend asked me if I would be able to settle back into a simple life, to which I have given allot of thought. You see my life went from being pretty average, stable and simple, into a journey of tremendous challenges, self reflection and personal growth all of which to me have made life hard, but interesting to live.

Sending my son off to "big school" yesterday bought back so many of my childhood memories. In fact I found the picture of my 1st day of school and uploaded it to Facebook together with a picture that I had taken of him. As happy and brave as I look in my picture is as scared and emotionally distressed that I remember feeling. I was an incredibly insecure child, scared of the world and loved remaining within my safe little bubble.
I was so proud of my son yesterday, I could see the fear on his face, however he remained brave and was able to keep it all together.
He enters 12 years of schooling ahead, I remember those school years seeming to take forever to get through, and the friendships, experiences and memories impact on us for the rest of our lives.

School was a tough period of my life, looking back there is so much of it I would have loved to have been able to have changed.
When I was young I had a girlfriend from Grade 2 until Grade 4, it was a magical relationship filled with beauty and innocence. She gave me a inner strength and confidence which I lacked, she was a strong little girl, but was always extremely gentle and loving with me, we often would talk of marriage and how we would live our lives together.
I had a awesome tree house that my father had built for me, it was truly a masterpiece and was my absolute happy place to be. My girlfriend and I would get naked in the tree house, exploring each others bodies, with no knowledge of what sex was, but simply enjoying the feeling of our skin touching and the fascination of the others body (I never had sisters). She was my 1st love, and a memory that I would never forget.
Today she is a happy lesbian, in a secure relationship with kids, even so we hold a special bond and place in each others hearts, we were childhood sweethearts.

Unfortunately my birthday was pretty much filled with work meetings, but none the less was a special day. I guess on ones birthday reflecting back is inevitable. Having reached 34 (which I know is still youngish), I seem to be looking back wondering if I have achieved the things I had set out to achieve.
Part of me wishes I had done some things differently, but ultimately looking back is useless other than for the purpose of making sure that I do not repeat the same "mistakes" and ensuring personal growth going forward.
I love my family so much, having them in my life is with out a doubt the most fulfilling and rewarding aspect of my life, encouraging my children to learn from my mistakes, or perhaps trying to guide them with the knowledge I have gained along the way is part of parenting.
I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, all we can do is provide support and love. For a child the greatest obstacle I think will always be overcoming their parents, parenting is a huge responsibility and certainly not a perfect science

Opening our marriage was a bold and trying decision, but one that I think was extremely necessary for us. I wish that I had taken the opportunity to have properly explored my sexuality in my youth, but I was never raised open minded enough, or taught to consider the larger world.
I was not built for a double life, as much as a struggle with some of my actions in the past, I still like to believe that I do ultimately have goodness to me. I have opened my heart and in doing so I have found tremendous love in return, I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and yet have found safety, but most importantly I am getting to meet a whole new me, someone who has always been there, but just a little scared to come out.

Confucius said:"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," this might be so true for me, but how else would I be able to grow if I did not challenge and question myself, as a black and white person I am beginning to realize that life sometimes needs to be lived in the grey.
The first man that I had a sexual encounter with had a header to his Internet profile reading "simplicity", it is ironic because in meeting him my life became anything but simple and for that I am grateful.
So the question remains, will I be able to live a simple life? I guess absolutely I would be able to, but would I want to?

Same Same..,but different!

In a few days it will be my son's 7th Birthday. At his last birthday, after blowing out his candles he said his wish out loud, "I wish for everything to stay the same."

My son is a old soul, with a deep spirit, and his wish struck me. It was beautiful in it's simplicity. He had been having a great holiday, a wonderful birthday, and simply just wanted it all to stay just like it was.

Change is scary, daunting, and often it is easier to just keep things the way they are. My family and I, love routine, and knowing what to expect, most of our life has been constructed around a sense of stability and predictability.

Over the last few months, my decision to take this journey, meant I had to step out of "keeping everything the same" and to face the fear of the unknown and change.

I reached a point where I knew that in order to properly explore my identity and sexuality, I would need to move out of my home.

I was not brave enough to explain to my wife the exact reasoning for this, but with all the extra pressure that this was placing on our marriage, she too knew and felt like this was needed.

I designed, and built our house, it is a beautiful home, customised to our every whim, and I am extremely proud of it. It was always my "safe place", and leaving it was not easy. Packing my bag to leave was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, telling the kids I was leaving was the hardest! It is only when one packs their little bag and has to decide what to take, is it that one realizes what is really important in life.

I am pedantic about my home, always wanting it to be spotless, and beautiful. I guess to me, I thought that if my home was in order, it made me feel like everything was ok in my life. I was so wrong! I spent more time worrying about the condition of my home than actually simply enjoying it. I now realize that the 4 walls we live in is far less important than the way we live inside of those 4 walls.

At the time, I felt so brave for moving out, my wife and I conducted ourselves with dignity in a community within which we are extremely well known. The fascination in our lives irritated me, but we both kept our heads up high.

Looking back, I now realize I was not brave, I was merely running away from having to face the real underlying reasons, and being truthful to myself.

I was doing the best that I could, everyone saw me as strong, but I was not ready, prepared or had enough understanding at that time, of what this all really meant.

I am excited to see what my son wishes for at his upcoming birthday? Looking back at his last wish, and having re-thought it all I don't think wishing for things to stay the same is what I would want for him. The Chinese have a saying "may we live in interesting times." I used this in my 21st birthday speech, and I believe that change is the true blessing, because it is only through change, living and experiencing life that we can truly grow. I want to live life, I want to taste it, even if it is bitter at times......

(The attached picture, was a drunk destitute man that I saw sitting on this bench during a trip, and found his t-shirt and circumstance profound.)