The other night my son was in the bath, I could hear him swishing around in it trying to makes waves, my wife was repeatedly telling him to stop to no avail until I could hear the water pouring out onto the floor.
My son is one of those really good little souls, delicate in his nature and always keen to please, but like all children and boys in particular, sometimes he likes to test the theory that for every action there is a reaction, the reaction in this case was a flooded bathroom.
I was furious, not because of the mess, but because he had not listened to his Mom's continuous instruction for him to stop, I walked in and really shouted at him and then I returned to my bedroom.
After he had put on his pyjamas I saw him return to the bathroom which my wife was busy drying up, and he said to her, "please mommy let me clean it, it is my mistake and I need to fix it."
I guess that is how i feel at the moment, I am often overwhelmed by the feeling that this is all my mistake and I need to fix it. Yesterday my wife was furious, for the first time through all of this she found her anger and unleashed it on me.
I don't really have a leg to stand on here, and all I can do is absorb it adding to my already all consuming guilt. I was actually pleased to see her venting and the very least I can do is be there to take it. Communication is a vital outlet and considering that she is holding my secret and that there is no one else that she is able to share this all with (other than her shrink and our marriage councillor), I have to be willing to listen, or in this case be shouted at. I guess what scared or surprised me the most is that my wife is a gentle and timid sole, I know she has fire within her, but this was the most aggressive I had ever known her to be.
I don't relish having to put her through this, I asked her what it is she would like me to do, to which she had no answer. I never wanted these feelings, would she really have wanted me to continue my life simply repressing a drive that seems to be such a big part of who I am?
I am not making excuses here, she is hurt, and more than entitled to anger and frustration, but I just am not sure how to shut it off for her. I am scared to find myself in a situation where we return to resentment and anger at each other yet again, because I find that I am denying and lying to myself.
I am beginning to consider myself a bi-sexual man, but that does not really help me much, because in that it becomes impossible for me to find a whole life, the only way to feel complete living a bisexual life would be to continue getting the best of both worlds and that is not what I want.
My wife and I were able to patch, reconnect and support each other yesterday, we also had a good marriage counselling session which seemed to do wonders, we luckily have a very open minded councillor who provides us both with the tools to keep moving forward. Just as my 7 year old boy is learning and beginning to accept responsibility, so do I, this is not so much a mistake as much as it is us trying to navigate a very difficult situation, but none the less I seem to have made waves and now I am not sure how to stop the bath from overflowing.