As a child, it took me a long time to mature emotionally, whilst I enjoyed living in the confounds of the security of a "bubble" that I controlled, I seldom found myself crying other than when I was removed from the safety of that "bubble".
I remember going to watch the movie E.T. and at the end of it my parents asked me why I never cried, to which I responded, "because no one told me when to." I find myself again in a place where I feel like it is difficult for me to cry, at first it bothered me, but now i have come to accept that it might just be best for me right now.
This morning I went for breakfast with my gorgeous little daughter, she enjoys an access to my heart that no one else possesses and I think she knows it as well. We have always shared a unique bond and all to often even in her youth she expresses a maturity and a knowing of what I need and when I need it. To me she is my little Princess and that is probably because she knows how to make me feel like a King. My morning with her seemed to give me perspective and although I have always been what I believe to be a good Dad, somehow this morning with her measuring the size of her fingers against mine, I came to realize that in my hand I was holding her whole world and in that it reminded me of my responsibility.
The other day I met someone who seems to know exactly what it is that they want, but what intrigued me is not that he knew what it is he wants as much as his ability and drive to go and get it. For the first time in a long time, I have been able to let go of the emotion and turmoil that has seemed to paralyse me. In the last few days i have released so much of the external pulls that were making my decisions impossible to resolve. I am freeing my life of complications and I am excluding the drama, so as to enable myself to see clearly and allow myself the ability to not only continue my drive for what it is I am searching for, but to also ensure that i have clarity as to what it is I want out of my life. I was told that in discipline lies freedom, I guess I am creating the freedom in order to allow me discipline within my life.
I am gaining an understanding as to what is definitive in my life, and my role as father will always be on the top of that list. I am resolved in the fact that my role as Dad is non negotiable, but in that it also does not mean that it excludes the ability and even a responsibility to live my life as complete and happy as I can. What ever my sexuality is will never hamper or distract from the fact that I love my children, my role as father is ensuring that they always know it.
I am proud of my kids and I am proud of my wife and I for the manner that we have been able to keep them prioritised, above all of the strain we have managed to protect them from our lives so as to enable them to live theirs. In this I have certainty that no matter what the future brings, my wife and I will remain unified as parents, always considering them above all else and hopefully using our lives as a foundation from which they can build theirs.
I don't think my inability for me to cry at the moment reflects that I am numb emotionally, on the contrary I feel more awake than I have for a long time. I have finally found some of the stillness that i have been searching for and in that I now have the ability to ensure that i not only continue to evolve, but that I do so in a manner that is not only right for me, but is right for those around me as well. I trust in the fact that I am a good person and whilst all to often I try and please those I love, I see now that before I can please anyone, I need to first please myself.
To quote Alex Tan: “Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again.” I think I have now cried enough and life certainly does seem clearer to me, I guess it is now that the journey can really begin.