My 7 year old son has now reached the stage where he is losing his teeth. I can't help but think back to when he was just a baby and all those late nights, moans, groans and cuddles to ease the pain whilst waiting for these same teeth to eventually come out, now seems diminished by watching them falling out. I guess it is a natural progression, it is the way life is, we go through cycles and with growth the pain is inevitable, but seldom futile.
I managed to pull 2 loose teeth out for him this past weekend, one of the teeth was more ready that the other, but I managed to get both out with very little fuss and bother, much to his relief. My son believes that the 2nd tooth was not as ready to come out, and in his feeling that it was prematurely removed, he has told me that "I stole his tooth.
I never got to make it to the end of my curfew deadline with my boyfriend and so much of me feels like I had time with him stolen from me. I know all the rules in situations like this are to let go of the 3rd party, move on, and dedicate ones self to their home, family and wife, but often the reality of being able to let go is just so hard.
I fear I will be reentering the realms of dishonesty, not because I will be further cheating on my wife, but because I worry that I am going to lie to myself. How does one just deny that they care for someone, let them go as if they never meant anything or pretend to stop loving them?
At the moment I feel like one does after that last bite of chocolate, disappointed that it is finished with only the lingering taste dissolving in my mouth, but still hungry for more. I know all to well the road and path ahead is the right one, I remind myself of the reasons for deciding to be with my wife and I try and maintain self beleif.
All I want is to be held gently in hand like one would cradle sand, because squeezing only results in the sand pouring out from between the fingers. I hope that both my wife and boyfriend understand this need for me to relieve the pressure and ever squeezing hand, and that both allow me the due space to evolve so as to enable me to not only choose where it is that I need to be, but that I am able to find who it is that I am as well.
I asked my son when tugging out his teeth to believe in me, which he duly did and I was pleased to see that I did not cause him pain. Unfortunately I am not as lucky in my love life, because in my pull and pursuit for further understanding I not only seem to have lost the belief of those that matter, but the pain i seem to be causing is unavoidable.
I am lucky that my business travels will allow me the opportunity to spend the upcoming weekend in the Holy City Jerusalem, I am looking forward to taking the opportunity to look back at the layers of history and not only reflecting on the growth of humankind, but on my own as well.