A Letter to my Wife...

This is a letter that I am going to read to my wife at our marriage counselling session tomorrow:

Our wedding was a spectacular event and celebration, we were able to create a ceremony that was a true testimony to our love for each other. Watching the video again, I can still see how even in our youth and exuberance how very much in love we were even then, we seemed to glow with happiness and excitement at the beautiful future we saw ourselves having. 9 years ago I said in my wedding speech to you, "so many people have said to me that a relationship takes hard work, but with you Babe, you make loving you so easy", I see now that I was wrong and right.

I was wrong to think that a relationship is not hard work, maybe in my youth I was unaware and minimizing the commitment and promise that I was in fact making to you. We were in such a hurry to begin our path to a life that we saw our parents having and the desire for the stability of a family that we were maybe oblivious to the work and hardships I am sure that our parents must have had endured to get there.
Somewhere between the birth of our 2 kids(which we again rushed into with eagerness) that were born with just a 14 month age gap, prenatal depression, work stress and trying to climb the social ladder, we have seemed to lose each other.
I think we found ourselves pulling apart, you engulfing yourself into motherhood and the role of house wife, and me trying to ensure that we had all the material trappings required, and networking ourselves into the upper crust of society. We achieved all of this at a very young age often to the resentment and jealousy of those around us, but also slowly developing deep resentment for each other.
We seemed to lose the Joie de Vivre for life, putting on copious amounts weight, and entering the comfortable slumber of the mundane.

In the same breath I was so right in my speech, loving you was always easy, we got so much right within our marriage. We have always enjoyed a mutual respect, love, kindness and until now total trust in each other.
I guess I have always had sexual identity issues, although I was never able to understand them myself let alone to try and explain them to anyone else, and so this was an aspect of my life I chose to ignore and repress.
I know now, that allot of my internal anger and hardness has come from trying to be someone I wasn't or more so not having explored or understanding this part of me, however what saddens me the most is that you bore the brunt of it. I feel I have left your self confidence damaged at the prospect of a husband who was not able to fully desire you as a women, and it is for this reason that I have chosen the path of total honesty with you. I see now how we tended to make mountains out of mole hills, because there was never anything significant in our marriage to fight about, so we took the little things as an outlet for our ever growing resentment for each other and a diversion from the truth.

I don't need to explain resentment to you, but I do know that it is a difficult emotion to overcome, it is different to anger or pain, and ultimately will be our greatest obstacle to conquer.
As I sit her today, I feel inadequate to be your husband, and I feel like I have failed the promise to you in my wedding speech "that the work will be mine to make you always feel like the Queen you are to me", somewhere along the way I pulled back and probably left you feeling anything but the Royalty you truly are.
Through this all I need you to know, that I have never stopped loving you, and when I said in my speech "that you are my best friend and wife of my dreams", I meant it and still do. Even in my youth, even in my confusion of my sexuality, I always knew without any doubt, you were and always will be the only women in the world for me. Not a day has gone by that I have not been proud and honoured to have you by my side. Together we have slowly managed to lose our weight and achieve the bodies we desired, we have overcome our depression and we are raising two wonderful little people, but now the time has come for us to look even deeper.

We have been asked to asses what it is that we want out of our marriage, and the obvious answer is for us both to be happy, fulfilled and whole, but more than that I want the adventure back. I want the excitement, mutual ambition and most of all I want the stimulation. Somehow in all of this we seem to have pulled together, buoyed by the challenge and unified in our efforts to care for each other and to protect our family, and now we find ourselves self reflecting and finding each other in the mirror.
Going forward I would look for us to be independent in our thoughts and lives, to be together whilst at the same time being individuals free of suffocation, but still sharing our challenges, hardships and successes, I don't want us to settle, I want us to live, taste life and continue to grow, I want to do this without living a life dictated to us by social rules and acceptability's.
Running away would have been the easy choice, running away would be the norm, I know that I have broken many a vow and commitment that I made on that special day, but at the very least I am still here, fighting, trying and doing the very best that I can.

I am so sorry that the youngster who stood in front of you, presenting confidence and promising you the world has let you down in such a big way, you deserved more and you continue to deserve more going forward. If anything though, even in the lack of sexual passion and desire , I hope that I have never left you doubting my absolute respect and deep soulful love for you. In the words of our wedding song by Joe Cocker:

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
To me

You are so wonderful
To me
You are so wonderful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so wonderful
To me

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can't you see
You're everything I hoped for
You're everything I need
You are so beautiful
To me