You look so Gay in that Box...

Yesterday I was feeling very down, the ever looming deadline and realization of an impending decision seems to be taking it's toll on me. Whilst popping out for my morning ritual, which is a coffee and muesli rusk, I noticed a man walking in wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that read "I am not gay, but my boyfriend is", I had to smile. He wore it with pride and I could not help but think to myself how far we had come, and yet how far we still have to go.

This week I was upset to read how a fellow blogger seemed to struggle labeling himself as gay (which is fair enough I feel the same way), but i disagreed with his reasoning and I quote "It’s just that sometimes I don’t like being lumped in the same category as the fruity fruit loops. That sounds bad but it’s the truth." He was referring to being thrown into the same box as effeminate gay men.
I am definitely not a believer in being labeled either, I have written about this in an earlier post, and to be honest as an extremely masculine straight acting man I often struggle with the concept of classifying myself as bi-sexual let alone gay. I however have learnt that it does not matter whether or not I am labelled or choose to fit into one of the numerous boxes available as it is all irrelevant, however what does matter is that I am happy.

I try not to judge others, I have in the past, but somehow along this journey I would like to think that I have softened, become more gentle, more tolerant and less judgemental. I have come to the realization that everyone has the right to be happy, but often it comes with great hardship, especially when it comes to ones sexual identity. So I have to ask myself, how is it that someone who is battling with his own sexuality, who is unable to be brave enough to live his life openly, and hides the truth not only from his family and friends, but from himself as well (I am not judging him for this), still finds it within himself to criticize effeminate gays? Does he not realize that they represent the very thing he is striving for....a honest and open life, a more accepting world and an understanding of there sexuality.

I wish I was raised not only in a more accepting time, but that I had parents that were more open minded to me being different, I pursued living their expectations of a life that they desired for me as i was not brave enough to live the construct of my own life or challenge and questione what was presented to me as the right path.
I have no regrets, I was blessed to marry a wonderful woman, with whom anyone would be thrilled to have as their life partner, and I have been blessed with two beautiful children, but I remain with the question, would this have been my choice knowing what I now know, having explored my sexuality and knowing that I have the capacity to not only be with a man sexually, but to love him as well?

On Sunday night, my boyfriends emotions and the challenge and frustration of the last few weeks culminated into and emotional outbreak and the desire for him to now have an answer. I got the sense that he was less concerned as to what the answer would be than him actually receiving the answer itself, I think that the desire to get on with his life had become all too consuming. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt our mutual love, and I certainly don't doubt his desire for a future together, but I think and fairly so, that everyone involved is now exhausted and requiring some sense of stability and normality back in their lives
We have all been on a roller coaster ride over the last few months, but I would like to think that despite the pain, torment and exhaustion we have all endured, we all seem to be allot more aware of ourselves and each one of us would agree maybe even better people.

I can honestly say, I am not sure which life it is I see myself happiest in, I guess I will never fully know. I do know that letting go of either life though is going to be enormously challenging for me. I not only have fears with choosing a life, but I also have fears about the life I choose to leave behind.
Leaving my wife, would mean leaving my home, and allowing her to not only meet new men, but to also allow that man to play the role of father to my children. Yes I would always be their Dad, but it is a hard pill to swallow to imagine another man having more time with my children than even I, not to mention my children's mental states, my wife's emotions and everything else I would be giving up on.
Leaving my boyfriend leaves me with the fear and notion of someone else having the access to him that I have enjoyed, it will be hard to stop worrying and caring for him, i think of him so often and I fear that he would regress back into an empty life with little regard to how wonderful and special he is, but through it all, the fear that worries me the most, its the fear of simply not having either my wife or boyfriend in my life.

I honestly believe that I find myself having to make this decision that I am now faced with because i was not raised knowing that exploring and challenging this part of myself in my youth was ok. I find myself in this situation for fear of being judged, labelled and ridiculed just as my fellow blogger is doing to others even in his own struggle for his identity, but most of all I struggle within myself to undo the fear that exists in my own limitations from leading this life.
I guess if I was brave enough to wear a t-shirt in public it would read "I am not gay, but I love my boyfriend", the question is am I brave enough, or would I rather just ridicule others who are?

Simplicity...

So far it has been a very emotional week for me, a week filled with me celebrating my birthday, watching my son enter Grade 1 at school and of course the 1st week of my marriage being open.
Yesterday a friend asked me if I would be able to settle back into a simple life, to which I have given allot of thought. You see my life went from being pretty average, stable and simple, into a journey of tremendous challenges, self reflection and personal growth all of which to me have made life hard, but interesting to live.

Sending my son off to "big school" yesterday bought back so many of my childhood memories. In fact I found the picture of my 1st day of school and uploaded it to Facebook together with a picture that I had taken of him. As happy and brave as I look in my picture is as scared and emotionally distressed that I remember feeling. I was an incredibly insecure child, scared of the world and loved remaining within my safe little bubble.
I was so proud of my son yesterday, I could see the fear on his face, however he remained brave and was able to keep it all together.
He enters 12 years of schooling ahead, I remember those school years seeming to take forever to get through, and the friendships, experiences and memories impact on us for the rest of our lives.

School was a tough period of my life, looking back there is so much of it I would have loved to have been able to have changed.
When I was young I had a girlfriend from Grade 2 until Grade 4, it was a magical relationship filled with beauty and innocence. She gave me a inner strength and confidence which I lacked, she was a strong little girl, but was always extremely gentle and loving with me, we often would talk of marriage and how we would live our lives together.
I had a awesome tree house that my father had built for me, it was truly a masterpiece and was my absolute happy place to be. My girlfriend and I would get naked in the tree house, exploring each others bodies, with no knowledge of what sex was, but simply enjoying the feeling of our skin touching and the fascination of the others body (I never had sisters). She was my 1st love, and a memory that I would never forget.
Today she is a happy lesbian, in a secure relationship with kids, even so we hold a special bond and place in each others hearts, we were childhood sweethearts.

Unfortunately my birthday was pretty much filled with work meetings, but none the less was a special day. I guess on ones birthday reflecting back is inevitable. Having reached 34 (which I know is still youngish), I seem to be looking back wondering if I have achieved the things I had set out to achieve.
Part of me wishes I had done some things differently, but ultimately looking back is useless other than for the purpose of making sure that I do not repeat the same "mistakes" and ensuring personal growth going forward.
I love my family so much, having them in my life is with out a doubt the most fulfilling and rewarding aspect of my life, encouraging my children to learn from my mistakes, or perhaps trying to guide them with the knowledge I have gained along the way is part of parenting.
I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, all we can do is provide support and love. For a child the greatest obstacle I think will always be overcoming their parents, parenting is a huge responsibility and certainly not a perfect science

Opening our marriage was a bold and trying decision, but one that I think was extremely necessary for us. I wish that I had taken the opportunity to have properly explored my sexuality in my youth, but I was never raised open minded enough, or taught to consider the larger world.
I was not built for a double life, as much as a struggle with some of my actions in the past, I still like to believe that I do ultimately have goodness to me. I have opened my heart and in doing so I have found tremendous love in return, I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and yet have found safety, but most importantly I am getting to meet a whole new me, someone who has always been there, but just a little scared to come out.

Confucius said:"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," this might be so true for me, but how else would I be able to grow if I did not challenge and question myself, as a black and white person I am beginning to realize that life sometimes needs to be lived in the grey.
The first man that I had a sexual encounter with had a header to his Internet profile reading "simplicity", it is ironic because in meeting him my life became anything but simple and for that I am grateful.
So the question remains, will I be able to live a simple life? I guess absolutely I would be able to, but would I want to?

Raw Truth...

In my study one of my prized possessions is a copy of Madonna's original book titled "Sex", it is in it's original state and packaging and has never been opened. Often I have longed to open it and read it, however I know that once I do, it will loose allot of it's value and appeal.

Yesterday we left the resort we had been staying at to come home, it was time to return to normality, not that our lives are exactly normal. I love hotels, they feel like a Mirage on the horizon, beautiful in there splendor, but alas far from reality.
Somehow, my wife and I felt buoyed by the meeting of my boyfriend, I am not sure exactly why, but it definitely seemed like it had been a step in the right direction.
Although I had tried to be as honest as I could with my wife, I only shared my sexuality, and the fact that I had an emotional connection with my boyfriend. I had not been truthful with regards to the men I had seen and slept with, or the fact that I was being sexual with my boyfriend.

To me, I always believed to some degree, that telling the truth only really set the person sharing it free, whilst burdening the one hearing it.
I had thought that I had burdened my wife with enough, and although I felt that she had the foundations of the truth, I see now, not telling someone the truth is not burdening them, but rather patronising them, because who are we to judge how they will or will not be able to deal with hearing the full and raw reality.
This was my mistake.....

Last night I went to go and have dinner with my boyfriend, I was so elated at how well the meeting had gone, and felt a great sense of confidence that the future would be ok.
As I sat down at the table and ordered I received a phone call from my wife, she had found my blog!!
I had been so cautious to protect my blog as a safe space for me to connect and express my secrets and emotions, however I had slipped up and now she had access to my deepest and darkest feelings and experiences.
The call hit me with total shock, I could feel the blood drain from my head, a coldness came over me and I felt my chest tightening, I was exposed, and I felt naked in my lies.
I immediately sped home, paying little regards to speed limits, traffic lights, or stop signs, I was not exactly sure what I would walk into, I felt ill, and devastation.

My wife was obviously distraught, I had tested her capacity, and I was now standing at the edge of a line. I proceeded to tell her everything, the most gory and intimate of details, how, when, where, how many men etc etc..
I had humiliated her, left her vulnerable, and allowed her to enter a situation that diminished her, but most of all I was cheating on her.
I guess the greatest love a person can give another, is loving them despite there flaws. For most of my marriage my wife had put me on a pedestal, loved me and cherished me, and now I had knocked myself off that pedestal and I was exposed for my sins.

My wife has an unbelievable goodness to her, she has a tremendous ability to see the good over and above the bad, however I was pushing her limits in this regard.
I was given a choice, a choice to either try and resolve my sexuality with her by my side, or to go to him, but that I could not have both.
I have built a life with this extraordinary women, with whom I have two kids, and who had given me so much. I had hurt her, she and my family needed and deserved me to do my utmost to resolve this. The answer seemed so clear.

I have written about choice and consequences, and this was such a moment, the consequence was leaving behind a remarkable gentle man, and a piece of me along with him.
As much as I had tried to protect everybody involved, my world was now in crisis, and I was hurting everyone around me.
It was a long fall from the emotional stability that I had felt that very morning, but alas, life is unpredictable, and I no longer had much influence of the way forward.
I have wounds to mend, and wrongs to right, time is now my only companion.

So like Madonna's book, which I dare not open, I have found myself opening a closed off part or my life in my desire to see what was inside, I just hope that in opening it, I have not lost the value and appeal of a bond that remains so important to me.

I Will Survive....

Having children is a true blessing. My son is almost 7 and my daughter is 14months after him turning 6 early next year.

I always knew I wanted to be a father, even as a kid I dreamed of having children.

With my son, we had decided not to find out the sex. When he was born the Doctor took him out of the womb with his back facing me, I clearly remember the absolute shock and pride when they turned him to face me and I could see I had a son. In that instant, I had become a father, and for the rest of my life, my priorities had now changed. He had become my world, and purpose.

Due to the close age gap between my children we decided to find out the sex of my daughter to alleviate some of the post birth stress and to allow us to prepare (pink room, pink clothes).

For a father, there is something about a son, every father I think (maybe even secretly) wishes for a son. Obviously a healthy child is all a parent can truly hope for, but for a father, the dream of a boy is evident.

Having said this, I have been blessed with best of both worlds, and I can unequivocally say, that yes having a son is amazing, but having a daughter gives me as a father a completeness that I could not imagine getting from anyone else.

To me she smells like candyfloss, and at night when I climb into bed for a cuddle with her, her glistening pure white skin seems to glow in the dark, even on the hottest of nights she feels cool to the touch, and when she notices me climbing into her bed and I see her excitement and welcoming eyes, I feel good about life and who I am.

I am hard on myself, and this journey that I am on, has made it even harder for me to look in the mirror and feel pride. My greatest fear is letting my children down, and juggling my emotions in this regard has not been easy.

A few months ago I was sitting in the same spot I sit in as I write this, when my son came up to me and said out of the blue, "sometimes a mistake is just a mistake, it not the end of the world."

I by no means describe my life as a mistake, but recall after my very first session with my shrink. I had literally thrown my whole life at her in the hope for her to give me the miracle answer (maybe even a pill or two) and to send me on my way. This unfortunately is not the way it works and what she said to me was, "this is not life or death."

Both of them were right, sometimes we get over consumed by the problem that we can not see the wood from the trees, maybe even loose perspective of life itself.

Yes, my life is confusing, sometimes difficult, and absolutely I feel tremendous pain at times, but unlike illness, or true tragedy, I have a certain amount of control over my life.

I often jokingly say that I do not believe it is birth that is the miracle, but that we manage to survive. All of us are so similar in our desire to live. Apple's CEO, Steve Jobs said in his speech to Stanford University, "isn't it amazing how we all want to go to heaven, but none of us are willing to die to get there."

Yes our desire to live is great, but surely it is how we live that truly matters, like I said to my son this morning, all that is really important is that we are happy.....