You look so Gay in that Box...

Yesterday I was feeling very down, the ever looming deadline and realization of an impending decision seems to be taking it's toll on me. Whilst popping out for my morning ritual, which is a coffee and muesli rusk, I noticed a man walking in wearing a t-shirt with a slogan that read "I am not gay, but my boyfriend is", I had to smile. He wore it with pride and I could not help but think to myself how far we had come, and yet how far we still have to go.

This week I was upset to read how a fellow blogger seemed to struggle labeling himself as gay (which is fair enough I feel the same way), but i disagreed with his reasoning and I quote "It’s just that sometimes I don’t like being lumped in the same category as the fruity fruit loops. That sounds bad but it’s the truth." He was referring to being thrown into the same box as effeminate gay men.
I am definitely not a believer in being labeled either, I have written about this in an earlier post, and to be honest as an extremely masculine straight acting man I often struggle with the concept of classifying myself as bi-sexual let alone gay. I however have learnt that it does not matter whether or not I am labelled or choose to fit into one of the numerous boxes available as it is all irrelevant, however what does matter is that I am happy.

I try not to judge others, I have in the past, but somehow along this journey I would like to think that I have softened, become more gentle, more tolerant and less judgemental. I have come to the realization that everyone has the right to be happy, but often it comes with great hardship, especially when it comes to ones sexual identity. So I have to ask myself, how is it that someone who is battling with his own sexuality, who is unable to be brave enough to live his life openly, and hides the truth not only from his family and friends, but from himself as well (I am not judging him for this), still finds it within himself to criticize effeminate gays? Does he not realize that they represent the very thing he is striving for....a honest and open life, a more accepting world and an understanding of there sexuality.

I wish I was raised not only in a more accepting time, but that I had parents that were more open minded to me being different, I pursued living their expectations of a life that they desired for me as i was not brave enough to live the construct of my own life or challenge and questione what was presented to me as the right path.
I have no regrets, I was blessed to marry a wonderful woman, with whom anyone would be thrilled to have as their life partner, and I have been blessed with two beautiful children, but I remain with the question, would this have been my choice knowing what I now know, having explored my sexuality and knowing that I have the capacity to not only be with a man sexually, but to love him as well?

On Sunday night, my boyfriends emotions and the challenge and frustration of the last few weeks culminated into and emotional outbreak and the desire for him to now have an answer. I got the sense that he was less concerned as to what the answer would be than him actually receiving the answer itself, I think that the desire to get on with his life had become all too consuming. Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt our mutual love, and I certainly don't doubt his desire for a future together, but I think and fairly so, that everyone involved is now exhausted and requiring some sense of stability and normality back in their lives
We have all been on a roller coaster ride over the last few months, but I would like to think that despite the pain, torment and exhaustion we have all endured, we all seem to be allot more aware of ourselves and each one of us would agree maybe even better people.

I can honestly say, I am not sure which life it is I see myself happiest in, I guess I will never fully know. I do know that letting go of either life though is going to be enormously challenging for me. I not only have fears with choosing a life, but I also have fears about the life I choose to leave behind.
Leaving my wife, would mean leaving my home, and allowing her to not only meet new men, but to also allow that man to play the role of father to my children. Yes I would always be their Dad, but it is a hard pill to swallow to imagine another man having more time with my children than even I, not to mention my children's mental states, my wife's emotions and everything else I would be giving up on.
Leaving my boyfriend leaves me with the fear and notion of someone else having the access to him that I have enjoyed, it will be hard to stop worrying and caring for him, i think of him so often and I fear that he would regress back into an empty life with little regard to how wonderful and special he is, but through it all, the fear that worries me the most, its the fear of simply not having either my wife or boyfriend in my life.

I honestly believe that I find myself having to make this decision that I am now faced with because i was not raised knowing that exploring and challenging this part of myself in my youth was ok. I find myself in this situation for fear of being judged, labelled and ridiculed just as my fellow blogger is doing to others even in his own struggle for his identity, but most of all I struggle within myself to undo the fear that exists in my own limitations from leading this life.
I guess if I was brave enough to wear a t-shirt in public it would read "I am not gay, but I love my boyfriend", the question is am I brave enough, or would I rather just ridicule others who are?

Simplicity...

So far it has been a very emotional week for me, a week filled with me celebrating my birthday, watching my son enter Grade 1 at school and of course the 1st week of my marriage being open.
Yesterday a friend asked me if I would be able to settle back into a simple life, to which I have given allot of thought. You see my life went from being pretty average, stable and simple, into a journey of tremendous challenges, self reflection and personal growth all of which to me have made life hard, but interesting to live.

Sending my son off to "big school" yesterday bought back so many of my childhood memories. In fact I found the picture of my 1st day of school and uploaded it to Facebook together with a picture that I had taken of him. As happy and brave as I look in my picture is as scared and emotionally distressed that I remember feeling. I was an incredibly insecure child, scared of the world and loved remaining within my safe little bubble.
I was so proud of my son yesterday, I could see the fear on his face, however he remained brave and was able to keep it all together.
He enters 12 years of schooling ahead, I remember those school years seeming to take forever to get through, and the friendships, experiences and memories impact on us for the rest of our lives.

School was a tough period of my life, looking back there is so much of it I would have loved to have been able to have changed.
When I was young I had a girlfriend from Grade 2 until Grade 4, it was a magical relationship filled with beauty and innocence. She gave me a inner strength and confidence which I lacked, she was a strong little girl, but was always extremely gentle and loving with me, we often would talk of marriage and how we would live our lives together.
I had a awesome tree house that my father had built for me, it was truly a masterpiece and was my absolute happy place to be. My girlfriend and I would get naked in the tree house, exploring each others bodies, with no knowledge of what sex was, but simply enjoying the feeling of our skin touching and the fascination of the others body (I never had sisters). She was my 1st love, and a memory that I would never forget.
Today she is a happy lesbian, in a secure relationship with kids, even so we hold a special bond and place in each others hearts, we were childhood sweethearts.

Unfortunately my birthday was pretty much filled with work meetings, but none the less was a special day. I guess on ones birthday reflecting back is inevitable. Having reached 34 (which I know is still youngish), I seem to be looking back wondering if I have achieved the things I had set out to achieve.
Part of me wishes I had done some things differently, but ultimately looking back is useless other than for the purpose of making sure that I do not repeat the same "mistakes" and ensuring personal growth going forward.
I love my family so much, having them in my life is with out a doubt the most fulfilling and rewarding aspect of my life, encouraging my children to learn from my mistakes, or perhaps trying to guide them with the knowledge I have gained along the way is part of parenting.
I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, all we can do is provide support and love. For a child the greatest obstacle I think will always be overcoming their parents, parenting is a huge responsibility and certainly not a perfect science

Opening our marriage was a bold and trying decision, but one that I think was extremely necessary for us. I wish that I had taken the opportunity to have properly explored my sexuality in my youth, but I was never raised open minded enough, or taught to consider the larger world.
I was not built for a double life, as much as a struggle with some of my actions in the past, I still like to believe that I do ultimately have goodness to me. I have opened my heart and in doing so I have found tremendous love in return, I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and yet have found safety, but most importantly I am getting to meet a whole new me, someone who has always been there, but just a little scared to come out.

Confucius said:"Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated," this might be so true for me, but how else would I be able to grow if I did not challenge and question myself, as a black and white person I am beginning to realize that life sometimes needs to be lived in the grey.
The first man that I had a sexual encounter with had a header to his Internet profile reading "simplicity", it is ironic because in meeting him my life became anything but simple and for that I am grateful.
So the question remains, will I be able to live a simple life? I guess absolutely I would be able to, but would I want to?

Raw Truth...

In my study one of my prized possessions is a copy of Madonna's original book titled "Sex", it is in it's original state and packaging and has never been opened. Often I have longed to open it and read it, however I know that once I do, it will loose allot of it's value and appeal.

Yesterday we left the resort we had been staying at to come home, it was time to return to normality, not that our lives are exactly normal. I love hotels, they feel like a Mirage on the horizon, beautiful in there splendor, but alas far from reality.
Somehow, my wife and I felt buoyed by the meeting of my boyfriend, I am not sure exactly why, but it definitely seemed like it had been a step in the right direction.
Although I had tried to be as honest as I could with my wife, I only shared my sexuality, and the fact that I had an emotional connection with my boyfriend. I had not been truthful with regards to the men I had seen and slept with, or the fact that I was being sexual with my boyfriend.

To me, I always believed to some degree, that telling the truth only really set the person sharing it free, whilst burdening the one hearing it.
I had thought that I had burdened my wife with enough, and although I felt that she had the foundations of the truth, I see now, not telling someone the truth is not burdening them, but rather patronising them, because who are we to judge how they will or will not be able to deal with hearing the full and raw reality.
This was my mistake.....

Last night I went to go and have dinner with my boyfriend, I was so elated at how well the meeting had gone, and felt a great sense of confidence that the future would be ok.
As I sat down at the table and ordered I received a phone call from my wife, she had found my blog!!
I had been so cautious to protect my blog as a safe space for me to connect and express my secrets and emotions, however I had slipped up and now she had access to my deepest and darkest feelings and experiences.
The call hit me with total shock, I could feel the blood drain from my head, a coldness came over me and I felt my chest tightening, I was exposed, and I felt naked in my lies.
I immediately sped home, paying little regards to speed limits, traffic lights, or stop signs, I was not exactly sure what I would walk into, I felt ill, and devastation.

My wife was obviously distraught, I had tested her capacity, and I was now standing at the edge of a line. I proceeded to tell her everything, the most gory and intimate of details, how, when, where, how many men etc etc..
I had humiliated her, left her vulnerable, and allowed her to enter a situation that diminished her, but most of all I was cheating on her.
I guess the greatest love a person can give another, is loving them despite there flaws. For most of my marriage my wife had put me on a pedestal, loved me and cherished me, and now I had knocked myself off that pedestal and I was exposed for my sins.

My wife has an unbelievable goodness to her, she has a tremendous ability to see the good over and above the bad, however I was pushing her limits in this regard.
I was given a choice, a choice to either try and resolve my sexuality with her by my side, or to go to him, but that I could not have both.
I have built a life with this extraordinary women, with whom I have two kids, and who had given me so much. I had hurt her, she and my family needed and deserved me to do my utmost to resolve this. The answer seemed so clear.

I have written about choice and consequences, and this was such a moment, the consequence was leaving behind a remarkable gentle man, and a piece of me along with him.
As much as I had tried to protect everybody involved, my world was now in crisis, and I was hurting everyone around me.
It was a long fall from the emotional stability that I had felt that very morning, but alas, life is unpredictable, and I no longer had much influence of the way forward.
I have wounds to mend, and wrongs to right, time is now my only companion.

So like Madonna's book, which I dare not open, I have found myself opening a closed off part or my life in my desire to see what was inside, I just hope that in opening it, I have not lost the value and appeal of a bond that remains so important to me.

Wife can be surprising.....

In the movie Forrest Gump he says: "I am not a smart man... but I know what love is." Yes love is obvious, and it is a wonderful emotion to know and to feel. When my boyfriend and wife met yesterday, it was obvious to me that the willingness to expose themselves came because of there love for me. I don't say this with arrogance, but rather a sense of humility. On my boyfriends art studio wall it is written in chalk, "I have never felt invulnerable!" I remember it striking me.

My boyfriend and I sat in the lounge having a whiskey whilst waiting for my wife to arrive. As she approached I was in awe of her beauty, I have always been well aware that she is a magnificent women, and I am even used to people turning and staring, however last night it was me, who was a gasp and lost for breath.
I was extremely anxious for the meeting, worried about how my wife and boyfriend would react when faced with the reality of each other. I think I was so worried about them, that I never really stopped to think how I would manage.
I was caught off guard, unprepared, and if anyone struggled emotionally throughout the night, it was me.

The whole night seemed surreal, I often found myself lost, dazed and confused by all the emotions running through me. At times it was really awkward, when your wife and boyfriend are talking about you, pointing out my addiction to my mobile phone, teasing, prodding and uplifting me all at the same time.
The night was filled with extraordinary moments, and we all seemed to take turns rotating the attention, ensuring that everyone gained something out of the night, guiding, caring and growing, I think we all left there feeling a little more whole.

Marriage is hard, especially if you try to live it to rule book that doesn't even exist. Often it is easier to run, hide and avoid the confrontation, but for my wife and I, we are trying before we run in our opposite directions to understand what this all really means for us.
We have a desire to make sure that whatever the final outcome is, that we both tried our hardest.
So to quote a friend, "We are built to grow and move and change and destroy and create, and be right and wrong and hurt others and give others joy, it is inevitable as winter follows Autumn and spring is born and summer returns."
I went on this journey to find myself, and somehow I seem to be finding my wife, I am not sure in what form we will continue, but knowing she is forever a soul mate makes all of this seem so much easier.
Everybody in life deserves someone, those who choose to live alone shut off a part of themselves, because it only through knowing others that we can truly understand ourselves.

To quote Forest Gump again,"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." I could never have predicted the outcome when I decided to take this journey, to leave home, to tell me wife about my sexuality, boyfriend and I defiantly never thought how well last night would turn out, but I do know that I have been lucky, because in all of these decisions the outcome has been positive and one of growth, although during it all I have never felt invulnerable.

The Meeting of a WIFE Time....

I have begun to accept not trying to predict the future, or what awaits around the next corner, however I still find myself absolutely amazed at how fascinating life can be.
My wife and I are simple people who seem to be doing extraordinary things, we consider ourselves soul mates, and it is on that foundation that we have built a wonderful relationship and space for our children to blossom in. We have always been considered the model couple, always conducted ourselves with dignity and a mutual respect, often to the awe of our friends and community.

Today, we are testing our progressiveness and the strength of our bond, as we try to construct our lives free of outside judgment or influence. We have decided that my boyfriend will be driving up later today, to meet us at the resort that we are currently holidaying at. It will be the first time that my wife and him meet. I am extremely conflicted with emotions as to how this will all play out. The opportunity seems right, as we do not have the children with us, we are on neutral ground, and we all have some quiet space to absorb the magnitude of what we are about to experience.
The only solace that I get is knowing that all parties involved have a goodness, gentleness and desire to make this work for the best.

It will be a truly interesting "next step" along the journey that we now all seem to find ourselves travelling, although we might have different paths at the moment, our hunger for inner peace, our caring and love for each other seems to ensure that we all have the same goal, happiness for all!

I look forward to sharing this new chapter, as soon as I have had the opportunity to absorb it all.

His Master's Voice...

I love technology, in particular all things Apple. I browse gadget blogs and websites, and have a soft spot for anything cutting edge and new. There is nothing quiet like opening up a new piece of Apple Technology and getting that unique smell.

When I moved out of home I did not possess much other than the few clothes that I had taken with me, I had not wanted to remove to much from the house in order to limit the disruption to my family.

Strangely enough whilst out of home I craved to own a Gramophone, it was a complete contrast to the fast pace and technological world I was used to. There is something magnificent in the simplicity of a Gramophone, and the music is beautiful in it's imperfection.

I found one, and for me it bought an inner peace listening to it.

Being a techie, allowed me to navigate the gay cyber world with confidence. I knew how to protect myself, and how to setup the relevant accounts etc needed.

Not long into my new journey I struck up a conversation with someone with whom after the first few sentences typed, I knew would be someone special in my life.

We progressed to camera chats, and this went on for several days. I know a lot of people frown upon cyber meets, but the nature of them I believe allows for an openness and level of communication unique to a real world meeting. (Don't get me wrong one has to be extremely careful, it can be opening a door to great danger.)

He is an artist, and so different to the black and white business world that I am used to. Our first meeting was in the back streets, not for sinister reasons, but because he was having a new sound system installed into a old Land Rover that he had recently bought.

I gave advice as to which speakers, and how they should be fitted, and we then moved on to have coffee at a little Christian coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

It was a wonderful time, he had a calmness and gentleness to him that absolutely captivated me. We agreed to meet the following night..."a date!"

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that there was a whole world out there besides, restaurants, and dinner at peoples homes. My wife and I had seemed to lose the Joie De Vivre, of watching sunsets, and sitting on beaches, just for the sake of sitting.

He and I agreed that he would pick me up in his Land Rover and that we would drive "nowhere" we would simply see where we ended up, I agreed to organize the food and drink.

From our chats, I had learnt that his favourites were Whiskey and Chinese food, I arranged a slow roasted duck, noodles and fortune cookies as well as a bottle of fine whiskey.

We agreed to meet at large malls parking garage, however once arriving there was no answer on his mobile phone. I was devastated, not only that he had not pitched, but because I could not believe that I had read the situation and him so wrongly.

Luckily I had not, he had simply dropped and broken his phone, and called me from a call phone to locate exactly where I was.....we were on our way.

We parked in a parking lot alongside a quiet beach, and later moved to a deserted driveway. It was wonderful, sitting there eating our Chinese, drinking our whiskey, I felt so far away from the world, I felt alive and as if I was a teenager all over again. In the simplicity of the night was pure joy.

Kissing him, was wonderful and unique to anything else I had done or experienced.

He knew about me being married, my kids, everything, and this played heavily on his mind, so no matter how hard I tried to progress into further sexual activity I was constantly prevented. We merely smoked, drank and kissed the night away getting ever increasingly intoxicated.

My fondest memory of the night, watching him running barefoot into a club to purchase more cigarettes. in that moment he represented a freedom, and wholeness of life, it ignited a inner passion in me.

Not having sex that night was probably the best thing that could have happened, it allowed for our relationship to developed on a different foundation. Although, this relationship would prove very dangerous for me, because as apposed to this being simply about sex, I found myself falling for him. This scared me.

What has developed is a relationship that many people strive for. We have a mutual respect and care deeply for each other, and our relationship has blossomed into something far greater than either of us had ever expected. I guess life is full of surprises and for the first time in a long time, if maybe ever, I was following my heart and not my brain.

On a recent fishing trip with my son, we stayed in a small lodge where everyone sat down at one table for dinner. On our last night, a young recently engaged British couple had arrived. The women was giving my son a tremendous amount of attention and he loved it. He tried his hardest and conducted himself as a real little man with his best manners.

I saw him staring at this women with this funny little smile on his face, when asking him what he was thinking? He asked to please see me in our room immediately, I responded that after dinner we would be able to talk.

On our way back to the room, he asked me, "Daddy what is love?".

I said that love is unique, because it is not something we think with our brain, it is something we feel in our heart.

He responded, "ok I don't think I feel it in my heart, but I don't think I could date someone who speaks like that", referring to her accent. I remind you he is 6 years old!

It is funny, that I can say that I have a boyfriend, however I still struggle with the concept of being gay.

It was my "boyfriend" who introduced me to the Gramophone and to me it represents him in so many ways.

When listening to a Gramophone one's brain knows that you could listen to the same music in the highest of quality downloaded neatly from itunes with album art and all, however what the Gramophone does when listening to it.......is awaken the heart...