Looking back, Moving forward...

I had never seen anybody die before.....
A month before I left home I saw a man collapse in front of me, I rushed up to him, immediately called the paramedics, he looked so old although i know now he was in his early forties, he was grey, his skin, his hair and his eyes all grey. I took his mobile phone to call the last number dialled to which a nurse at a nearby hospital answered. I asked for his name, this was no stranger to me, although I could not recognize him in his current condition, the man in front of me was a florist that assisted me with every arrangement I ever sent to my wife, he helped in the design of our garden and he was the florist for our wedding.

The nurse would not tell me what was wrong with him other than to warn me to take blood precaution, this meant HIV. As I hung up and was about to dial the paramedics again, he turned his head and looked into my eyes, he acknowledged me, and then right in front of me with his eyes locked on mine he died.
What struck me further was how the rain started to pour down, here was this man on a pavement, alone other than me, and now he was dead in the rain.

At the time i think I underestimated how profound an event this was for me, it made me feel so incredibly mortal, I had now seen death and it was far from those Hollywood productions, it was raw, cold, lonely and finite.
In the same breath it motivated me to want to live life, and all i want is to try and do it as whole and happy as I can. In order to do that I engulfed myself into a journey of self discovery and understanding which has lead me along a path where I am now faced with a T-junction in front of me. In under 5 weeks, I need to let both my boyfriend and wife know where they stand.
My shrink advised that I look at what i will be gaining and what I would be loosing by selecting either life's path that I am faced to choose, so this is what i will try to now do.

Should I choose to leave my wife, there is obviously the materialist things that I leave behind such as the home that I have custom built, furniture and the like that would need to be resolved, and of course the monetary wealth that would need to be divided on an agreed basis. I have no desire to not provide for the mother of my children and in a divorce I would want to do financially right by her.
Then there is the loss of totally free access to my kids, yes i would still get to see them allot, but it is not quite the same. I don't have the ability to just jump into bed with them on a night that I wish to,and there is definitely allot of special moments that I would miss out on. Today the joy on my son's face was evident, just because the whole family was in the pool together. I would leave behind a women that has proven her dedication to me, who has been a rock through most of my adult life. We have a history together, and she is probably the person who knows me better than anyone else in this world.
I would be leaving a person that I love dearly, respect and cherish, we share a unique connection and love that is evident to the people around us.

We all know that materialist reasons are not a basis for a life, so although I know this should not factor in, in the real world it obviously does, but I do not think this would be something i would not be able to overcome.
As I found when leaving home previously, my children are extremely important to me and i would never let them out of my life, although I might not enjoy the same quantity of time, perhaps the time I do spend would be more focused on quality and if their parents are happy and whole souls, this will surely make there lives more fulfilled.
I would also try my hardest to maintain a relationship with my wife, if anything she is my best friend, I often wonder if i am not holding her back from a more complete life, from a man who would undoubtedly be able to love her not just for her inner beauty and magnificence, but as a women as well. As I write this I tear up at the thought of another man loving her, and even though I may lack the ability to physically show affection, I have a deep love for her that I doubt she will ever truly know. My greatest pain in life is the inability to express this love and the ability to show her in a tangible manner how special she is.

I would give this up for the pursuit of a man with whom I find it easy to physically express myself, for someone who has opened my eyes and my heart in a way that I would never have thought possible.
He has been able to help me see that what I have repressed for my entire life, a part of myself that I have always seen as wrong, bad, dirty and dark is actually where my true beauty lies, because over the last few months I have felt like the caterpillar that crawled into the cocoon and came out spreading my wings as a butterfly. He has allowed me to unlock years of pain, and to seek for the wholeness and a inner happiness that I did not know existed.
Along this road I have learnt that we are beautiful in our imperfection, and that just because of our impurities and flaws does not mean that we are not still able to be good, he has taught me this and he has done it with gentleness and kindness

I pay the ultimate price to explore this relatively unknown life with him, and in turn the pursuit of a life as a gay man. I have parents to deal with, friends to explain too and whilst this is not simply changing lovers or life partners it is a total reconstruction of who i am as a person.
I do all this while taking a leap into total vulnerability unaware of the strength of the net that I would hope would catch me on the other side. And whilst I know that this should be a decision purely based on myself and with little expectations on him, it is he who I would ultimately be picking.

I am not sure that I am a gay man, I have tried to ignore that question and rather have tried to make this about people, and which person it is that I find myself feeling the most whole with. It is about choosing to live one life and ensuring that it is a honest life, not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.
To quote Nickelback, "each day is a gift not a given right", I don't know where, when or how I will take my last breath on this planet, all i know is that I hope that when i do that I have positively impacted others, that I have left a lasting impressions on my children and loved ones and that I lived doing the best that I could.


The Bridge of Sighs

Wife can be surprising.....

In the movie Forrest Gump he says: "I am not a smart man... but I know what love is." Yes love is obvious, and it is a wonderful emotion to know and to feel. When my boyfriend and wife met yesterday, it was obvious to me that the willingness to expose themselves came because of there love for me. I don't say this with arrogance, but rather a sense of humility. On my boyfriends art studio wall it is written in chalk, "I have never felt invulnerable!" I remember it striking me.

My boyfriend and I sat in the lounge having a whiskey whilst waiting for my wife to arrive. As she approached I was in awe of her beauty, I have always been well aware that she is a magnificent women, and I am even used to people turning and staring, however last night it was me, who was a gasp and lost for breath.
I was extremely anxious for the meeting, worried about how my wife and boyfriend would react when faced with the reality of each other. I think I was so worried about them, that I never really stopped to think how I would manage.
I was caught off guard, unprepared, and if anyone struggled emotionally throughout the night, it was me.

The whole night seemed surreal, I often found myself lost, dazed and confused by all the emotions running through me. At times it was really awkward, when your wife and boyfriend are talking about you, pointing out my addiction to my mobile phone, teasing, prodding and uplifting me all at the same time.
The night was filled with extraordinary moments, and we all seemed to take turns rotating the attention, ensuring that everyone gained something out of the night, guiding, caring and growing, I think we all left there feeling a little more whole.

Marriage is hard, especially if you try to live it to rule book that doesn't even exist. Often it is easier to run, hide and avoid the confrontation, but for my wife and I, we are trying before we run in our opposite directions to understand what this all really means for us.
We have a desire to make sure that whatever the final outcome is, that we both tried our hardest.
So to quote a friend, "We are built to grow and move and change and destroy and create, and be right and wrong and hurt others and give others joy, it is inevitable as winter follows Autumn and spring is born and summer returns."
I went on this journey to find myself, and somehow I seem to be finding my wife, I am not sure in what form we will continue, but knowing she is forever a soul mate makes all of this seem so much easier.
Everybody in life deserves someone, those who choose to live alone shut off a part of themselves, because it only through knowing others that we can truly understand ourselves.

To quote Forest Gump again,"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." I could never have predicted the outcome when I decided to take this journey, to leave home, to tell me wife about my sexuality, boyfriend and I defiantly never thought how well last night would turn out, but I do know that I have been lucky, because in all of these decisions the outcome has been positive and one of growth, although during it all I have never felt invulnerable.

The Meeting of a WIFE Time....

I have begun to accept not trying to predict the future, or what awaits around the next corner, however I still find myself absolutely amazed at how fascinating life can be.
My wife and I are simple people who seem to be doing extraordinary things, we consider ourselves soul mates, and it is on that foundation that we have built a wonderful relationship and space for our children to blossom in. We have always been considered the model couple, always conducted ourselves with dignity and a mutual respect, often to the awe of our friends and community.

Today, we are testing our progressiveness and the strength of our bond, as we try to construct our lives free of outside judgment or influence. We have decided that my boyfriend will be driving up later today, to meet us at the resort that we are currently holidaying at. It will be the first time that my wife and him meet. I am extremely conflicted with emotions as to how this will all play out. The opportunity seems right, as we do not have the children with us, we are on neutral ground, and we all have some quiet space to absorb the magnitude of what we are about to experience.
The only solace that I get is knowing that all parties involved have a goodness, gentleness and desire to make this work for the best.

It will be a truly interesting "next step" along the journey that we now all seem to find ourselves travelling, although we might have different paths at the moment, our hunger for inner peace, our caring and love for each other seems to ensure that we all have the same goal, happiness for all!

I look forward to sharing this new chapter, as soon as I have had the opportunity to absorb it all.

Both Sides Now

There is a wonderful song originally written and sung by Joni Mitchell and then Remade by Paul Young, "I Have Looked at life from Both Sides Now." The last verse of the song is:

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

I currently am in a situation where I am married to a extrodinary women whilst pursuiing a relationship with the most wonderful man, both of whom know about the other.
I know that this setup probably sounds strangely unique (we are just "normal" people), but show me life's rule book. To me the above song represents that there really is no correct answer. Sometimes it is about accepting that things are bigger than us, for me love and life defiantely fall into this category. One would be naive to think that we can understand it all.

Throughout my journey of the past few months, not once could I have predicted what awaited around the next corner. My journey has been full of surprises and intrigue all the while learning and growing. What I have learn't, is that if we are willing to open ourselves up to oppurtunity, and are brave enough to grab life's blessings whilst being honest and true to ourselves, beautiful things are possible along the way.

Yes there are many obstacles, most of these are enforced on us through society and so called rules and instructions as to how we should live.
My father is a very important figure in my life, and somehow he has always had alot of sway over me. When I took the important decision to move out of home, his response was one of not supporting me. As much as this hurt, for the first time in my life I knew I needed to live for me.
It was a hard time for me, and he was making it even harder. It was in a serious sit down and heart to heart with my Dad, that I got to express allot of my emotions, now that I too am a father, I know the role is about unconditional love and support.
This was not about him, and was not really his to understand, all he needed to know was that I was his son in pain, and I needed him

In our conversation I told my Dad that I felt so guilty, he started to cry and responded that he had been trying to make me feel guilty, this was the only way he knew how to try to get me to go home. I was shocked, not at this revelation, but at his honesty. I realise that my life has been swayed, directed and controlled by subtle maninupalitve tools to get me to be the person and man my parents wanted. Yes they never directly asked me to make them proud or to be perfect, but when I did not provide these things, they retracted there support and maybe even love. The saying actions are louder than words was relevant here and looking back I see now that this has been how much of my life was constructed.

Men will continue to marry and grapple with their sexuality, unless they have the absolute freedom to properly explore and understand it, without judgements and subtle manipulation, be it from parents, society, or the picture perfect scenarios that are portrayed as right.
For the first time, I have claimed my life as my own, and I enjoy knowing that it is never to late to paint the canvass white and to start afresh. I am finally free to make my decisions,however cautious to remember the consequences of such. It is a liberating feeling, one that I am sure many a gay man understands as the battle to be accepted into a still very difficult world exists.
We can not change our pasts, we can only write our futures, I prefer to say that we can 'right' our futures...

Another verse in the song goes:

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say I love you right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.


I guess what I am simply trying to say is that maybe, instead of trying to understand life we should rather just enjoy the fact that we don't.

I Will Survive....

Having children is a true blessing. My son is almost 7 and my daughter is 14months after him turning 6 early next year.

I always knew I wanted to be a father, even as a kid I dreamed of having children.

With my son, we had decided not to find out the sex. When he was born the Doctor took him out of the womb with his back facing me, I clearly remember the absolute shock and pride when they turned him to face me and I could see I had a son. In that instant, I had become a father, and for the rest of my life, my priorities had now changed. He had become my world, and purpose.

Due to the close age gap between my children we decided to find out the sex of my daughter to alleviate some of the post birth stress and to allow us to prepare (pink room, pink clothes).

For a father, there is something about a son, every father I think (maybe even secretly) wishes for a son. Obviously a healthy child is all a parent can truly hope for, but for a father, the dream of a boy is evident.

Having said this, I have been blessed with best of both worlds, and I can unequivocally say, that yes having a son is amazing, but having a daughter gives me as a father a completeness that I could not imagine getting from anyone else.

To me she smells like candyfloss, and at night when I climb into bed for a cuddle with her, her glistening pure white skin seems to glow in the dark, even on the hottest of nights she feels cool to the touch, and when she notices me climbing into her bed and I see her excitement and welcoming eyes, I feel good about life and who I am.

I am hard on myself, and this journey that I am on, has made it even harder for me to look in the mirror and feel pride. My greatest fear is letting my children down, and juggling my emotions in this regard has not been easy.

A few months ago I was sitting in the same spot I sit in as I write this, when my son came up to me and said out of the blue, "sometimes a mistake is just a mistake, it not the end of the world."

I by no means describe my life as a mistake, but recall after my very first session with my shrink. I had literally thrown my whole life at her in the hope for her to give me the miracle answer (maybe even a pill or two) and to send me on my way. This unfortunately is not the way it works and what she said to me was, "this is not life or death."

Both of them were right, sometimes we get over consumed by the problem that we can not see the wood from the trees, maybe even loose perspective of life itself.

Yes, my life is confusing, sometimes difficult, and absolutely I feel tremendous pain at times, but unlike illness, or true tragedy, I have a certain amount of control over my life.

I often jokingly say that I do not believe it is birth that is the miracle, but that we manage to survive. All of us are so similar in our desire to live. Apple's CEO, Steve Jobs said in his speech to Stanford University, "isn't it amazing how we all want to go to heaven, but none of us are willing to die to get there."

Yes our desire to live is great, but surely it is how we live that truly matters, like I said to my son this morning, all that is really important is that we are happy.....

Same Same..,but different!

In a few days it will be my son's 7th Birthday. At his last birthday, after blowing out his candles he said his wish out loud, "I wish for everything to stay the same."

My son is a old soul, with a deep spirit, and his wish struck me. It was beautiful in it's simplicity. He had been having a great holiday, a wonderful birthday, and simply just wanted it all to stay just like it was.

Change is scary, daunting, and often it is easier to just keep things the way they are. My family and I, love routine, and knowing what to expect, most of our life has been constructed around a sense of stability and predictability.

Over the last few months, my decision to take this journey, meant I had to step out of "keeping everything the same" and to face the fear of the unknown and change.

I reached a point where I knew that in order to properly explore my identity and sexuality, I would need to move out of my home.

I was not brave enough to explain to my wife the exact reasoning for this, but with all the extra pressure that this was placing on our marriage, she too knew and felt like this was needed.

I designed, and built our house, it is a beautiful home, customised to our every whim, and I am extremely proud of it. It was always my "safe place", and leaving it was not easy. Packing my bag to leave was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, telling the kids I was leaving was the hardest! It is only when one packs their little bag and has to decide what to take, is it that one realizes what is really important in life.

I am pedantic about my home, always wanting it to be spotless, and beautiful. I guess to me, I thought that if my home was in order, it made me feel like everything was ok in my life. I was so wrong! I spent more time worrying about the condition of my home than actually simply enjoying it. I now realize that the 4 walls we live in is far less important than the way we live inside of those 4 walls.

At the time, I felt so brave for moving out, my wife and I conducted ourselves with dignity in a community within which we are extremely well known. The fascination in our lives irritated me, but we both kept our heads up high.

Looking back, I now realize I was not brave, I was merely running away from having to face the real underlying reasons, and being truthful to myself.

I was doing the best that I could, everyone saw me as strong, but I was not ready, prepared or had enough understanding at that time, of what this all really meant.

I am excited to see what my son wishes for at his upcoming birthday? Looking back at his last wish, and having re-thought it all I don't think wishing for things to stay the same is what I would want for him. The Chinese have a saying "may we live in interesting times." I used this in my 21st birthday speech, and I believe that change is the true blessing, because it is only through change, living and experiencing life that we can truly grow. I want to live life, I want to taste it, even if it is bitter at times......

(The attached picture, was a drunk destitute man that I saw sitting on this bench during a trip, and found his t-shirt and circumstance profound.)