Looking back, Moving forward...

I had never seen anybody die before.....
A month before I left home I saw a man collapse in front of me, I rushed up to him, immediately called the paramedics, he looked so old although i know now he was in his early forties, he was grey, his skin, his hair and his eyes all grey. I took his mobile phone to call the last number dialled to which a nurse at a nearby hospital answered. I asked for his name, this was no stranger to me, although I could not recognize him in his current condition, the man in front of me was a florist that assisted me with every arrangement I ever sent to my wife, he helped in the design of our garden and he was the florist for our wedding.

The nurse would not tell me what was wrong with him other than to warn me to take blood precaution, this meant HIV. As I hung up and was about to dial the paramedics again, he turned his head and looked into my eyes, he acknowledged me, and then right in front of me with his eyes locked on mine he died.
What struck me further was how the rain started to pour down, here was this man on a pavement, alone other than me, and now he was dead in the rain.

At the time i think I underestimated how profound an event this was for me, it made me feel so incredibly mortal, I had now seen death and it was far from those Hollywood productions, it was raw, cold, lonely and finite.
In the same breath it motivated me to want to live life, and all i want is to try and do it as whole and happy as I can. In order to do that I engulfed myself into a journey of self discovery and understanding which has lead me along a path where I am now faced with a T-junction in front of me. In under 5 weeks, I need to let both my boyfriend and wife know where they stand.
My shrink advised that I look at what i will be gaining and what I would be loosing by selecting either life's path that I am faced to choose, so this is what i will try to now do.

Should I choose to leave my wife, there is obviously the materialist things that I leave behind such as the home that I have custom built, furniture and the like that would need to be resolved, and of course the monetary wealth that would need to be divided on an agreed basis. I have no desire to not provide for the mother of my children and in a divorce I would want to do financially right by her.
Then there is the loss of totally free access to my kids, yes i would still get to see them allot, but it is not quite the same. I don't have the ability to just jump into bed with them on a night that I wish to,and there is definitely allot of special moments that I would miss out on. Today the joy on my son's face was evident, just because the whole family was in the pool together. I would leave behind a women that has proven her dedication to me, who has been a rock through most of my adult life. We have a history together, and she is probably the person who knows me better than anyone else in this world.
I would be leaving a person that I love dearly, respect and cherish, we share a unique connection and love that is evident to the people around us.

We all know that materialist reasons are not a basis for a life, so although I know this should not factor in, in the real world it obviously does, but I do not think this would be something i would not be able to overcome.
As I found when leaving home previously, my children are extremely important to me and i would never let them out of my life, although I might not enjoy the same quantity of time, perhaps the time I do spend would be more focused on quality and if their parents are happy and whole souls, this will surely make there lives more fulfilled.
I would also try my hardest to maintain a relationship with my wife, if anything she is my best friend, I often wonder if i am not holding her back from a more complete life, from a man who would undoubtedly be able to love her not just for her inner beauty and magnificence, but as a women as well. As I write this I tear up at the thought of another man loving her, and even though I may lack the ability to physically show affection, I have a deep love for her that I doubt she will ever truly know. My greatest pain in life is the inability to express this love and the ability to show her in a tangible manner how special she is.

I would give this up for the pursuit of a man with whom I find it easy to physically express myself, for someone who has opened my eyes and my heart in a way that I would never have thought possible.
He has been able to help me see that what I have repressed for my entire life, a part of myself that I have always seen as wrong, bad, dirty and dark is actually where my true beauty lies, because over the last few months I have felt like the caterpillar that crawled into the cocoon and came out spreading my wings as a butterfly. He has allowed me to unlock years of pain, and to seek for the wholeness and a inner happiness that I did not know existed.
Along this road I have learnt that we are beautiful in our imperfection, and that just because of our impurities and flaws does not mean that we are not still able to be good, he has taught me this and he has done it with gentleness and kindness

I pay the ultimate price to explore this relatively unknown life with him, and in turn the pursuit of a life as a gay man. I have parents to deal with, friends to explain too and whilst this is not simply changing lovers or life partners it is a total reconstruction of who i am as a person.
I do all this while taking a leap into total vulnerability unaware of the strength of the net that I would hope would catch me on the other side. And whilst I know that this should be a decision purely based on myself and with little expectations on him, it is he who I would ultimately be picking.

I am not sure that I am a gay man, I have tried to ignore that question and rather have tried to make this about people, and which person it is that I find myself feeling the most whole with. It is about choosing to live one life and ensuring that it is a honest life, not just with the people around me, but with myself as well.
To quote Nickelback, "each day is a gift not a given right", I don't know where, when or how I will take my last breath on this planet, all i know is that I hope that when i do that I have positively impacted others, that I have left a lasting impressions on my children and loved ones and that I lived doing the best that I could.


The Bridge of Sighs

A Normal Life......

Another year has past and wow what a year it has been! I had stopped smoking for over a year and a half, it was only after after being with the first guy that I started smoking all over again. I remember my shrink asked why I thought I was smoking again, and I jokingly said I thought it was because i like things in my mouth :-). I am a stage now where I am smoking over a pack a day, and once again my New Years resolution will be to try and to stop.

The last few days have really been an emotional roller coaster. My wife and I always try our hardest to shelter any of our pain or turmoil from our kids.
Yesterday was my boys 7th birthday. It was a day that we wanted to be totally about him, and a day in which he got full control over his choices and how he wanted the day to be. I think over the last few months, with all the drama and in particular me moving out of home, he felt like he had no say, so yesterday was his to feel in total control.

When it came to the blowing out of the candles and the wish that I was so eagerly awaiting to hear, I was disappointed to discover that he did not want to make a wish at all. This saddened me terribly, how could a bright, happy little 7 year old not want to make a wish?
I encouraged him to grab the opportunity and to not waste the wish, I told him that it could be a wish that would be just for him and that he would not need to tell anyone. (I know that this is what wishes are supposed to be.)
Today whilst putting him down to a much needed afternoon nap, I asked him if he would share the wish with me (I know I know). He did, he said he had wished for a normal life....
A normal life?
The wish for a normal life has been sitting with me, I think I was less perturbed by him not wanting to wish at all.
A normal life?

I realize that i need to consider what normal means to him, and knowing him, I see this as an extension of his wish at his 6th birthday when he wished for everything to just stay the same. This is always a daunting time of year for him, as he prepares for a new teacher, new class, and in particular this year, a new "big school".
I now know all to well that change is frightening, and it is even harder if change comes at a price of letting so much go in order to effect the change. I don't think it is change that really scares us though, it is the not knowing what the outcome will be, and the greatest fear of all, regret.

As hard as the last year has been, I can't say that I would change it or wish it away. There have been up and downs, and many emotions, but through it all I have lived, survived and grown and despite many mistakes, I hope to think I am maybe even a better man for it. I regret the hurt I have caused, and I realize now in trying to protect everyone around me, I was actually losing a piece of myself.
Now that all my dark secrets are out in the light, for the first time ever I have the possibility of being whole within my home, without fear of my lies burdening me any longer. I think that was my ultimate drive was to be able to be true, and for me I could not be true to myself whilst lying to others.
My parents and friends are a different story, and a challenge I will have to face another day, but for now, I am here...home, open and exposed, and most definitely awake to the world.

Today I went to see my boyfriend, although I don't know if I can refer to him as that anymore. It was a meeting that my wife knew about and that he had really asked for, I wanted to go, I think I needed to go. I had not seen him since this all happened, and although we have communicated it allowed us both just to prepare ourselves for a future apart.
It was brief, and I know letting go for him was not easy, it is hard to support someone on a journey that sends them away from you.
I realized whilst talking to him that he knows what it is he wants and so does my wife, I am jealous of both of them, as I long to know what it is exactly that I want. So much of me wants a "normal life", some simplicity. I dream of seeing my last days alive, just so that I could know that everything ends alright, I dream of being surrounded by people I love, and I just hope that the person I was made them proud.

So, what answers have I found along the way, have I managed to settle, and find inner peace?
Well I have looked everywhere for the answers, I have put myself through many different challenges and experiences, I have opened my heart and my mind, but the one place that I have not yet truly explored is myself.
I have not felt calm for quiet awhile now, and what I am hoping for is a little quite time and to just feel still. Even in my blog, I don't think I truly explore myself, somehow scared of what I may find, this is now my journey...

Giving up smoking will not be easy for me, I know I will crave the cigarettes, my body requires the nicotine, and I know that it will be a matter of time before it gets any easier in my efforts to let go of it.
I am so careful of what I eat, keeping fit and healthy, it surprises me that I smoke at all, but I guess that was my choice.

Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year, and hoping you be blessed with knowing what you want, and may you find the courage to go and get it....2010 is the new 2009......

The Meeting of a WIFE Time....

I have begun to accept not trying to predict the future, or what awaits around the next corner, however I still find myself absolutely amazed at how fascinating life can be.
My wife and I are simple people who seem to be doing extraordinary things, we consider ourselves soul mates, and it is on that foundation that we have built a wonderful relationship and space for our children to blossom in. We have always been considered the model couple, always conducted ourselves with dignity and a mutual respect, often to the awe of our friends and community.

Today, we are testing our progressiveness and the strength of our bond, as we try to construct our lives free of outside judgment or influence. We have decided that my boyfriend will be driving up later today, to meet us at the resort that we are currently holidaying at. It will be the first time that my wife and him meet. I am extremely conflicted with emotions as to how this will all play out. The opportunity seems right, as we do not have the children with us, we are on neutral ground, and we all have some quiet space to absorb the magnitude of what we are about to experience.
The only solace that I get is knowing that all parties involved have a goodness, gentleness and desire to make this work for the best.

It will be a truly interesting "next step" along the journey that we now all seem to find ourselves travelling, although we might have different paths at the moment, our hunger for inner peace, our caring and love for each other seems to ensure that we all have the same goal, happiness for all!

I look forward to sharing this new chapter, as soon as I have had the opportunity to absorb it all.

Both Sides Now

There is a wonderful song originally written and sung by Joni Mitchell and then Remade by Paul Young, "I Have Looked at life from Both Sides Now." The last verse of the song is:

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

I currently am in a situation where I am married to a extrodinary women whilst pursuiing a relationship with the most wonderful man, both of whom know about the other.
I know that this setup probably sounds strangely unique (we are just "normal" people), but show me life's rule book. To me the above song represents that there really is no correct answer. Sometimes it is about accepting that things are bigger than us, for me love and life defiantely fall into this category. One would be naive to think that we can understand it all.

Throughout my journey of the past few months, not once could I have predicted what awaited around the next corner. My journey has been full of surprises and intrigue all the while learning and growing. What I have learn't, is that if we are willing to open ourselves up to oppurtunity, and are brave enough to grab life's blessings whilst being honest and true to ourselves, beautiful things are possible along the way.

Yes there are many obstacles, most of these are enforced on us through society and so called rules and instructions as to how we should live.
My father is a very important figure in my life, and somehow he has always had alot of sway over me. When I took the important decision to move out of home, his response was one of not supporting me. As much as this hurt, for the first time in my life I knew I needed to live for me.
It was a hard time for me, and he was making it even harder. It was in a serious sit down and heart to heart with my Dad, that I got to express allot of my emotions, now that I too am a father, I know the role is about unconditional love and support.
This was not about him, and was not really his to understand, all he needed to know was that I was his son in pain, and I needed him

In our conversation I told my Dad that I felt so guilty, he started to cry and responded that he had been trying to make me feel guilty, this was the only way he knew how to try to get me to go home. I was shocked, not at this revelation, but at his honesty. I realise that my life has been swayed, directed and controlled by subtle maninupalitve tools to get me to be the person and man my parents wanted. Yes they never directly asked me to make them proud or to be perfect, but when I did not provide these things, they retracted there support and maybe even love. The saying actions are louder than words was relevant here and looking back I see now that this has been how much of my life was constructed.

Men will continue to marry and grapple with their sexuality, unless they have the absolute freedom to properly explore and understand it, without judgements and subtle manipulation, be it from parents, society, or the picture perfect scenarios that are portrayed as right.
For the first time, I have claimed my life as my own, and I enjoy knowing that it is never to late to paint the canvass white and to start afresh. I am finally free to make my decisions,however cautious to remember the consequences of such. It is a liberating feeling, one that I am sure many a gay man understands as the battle to be accepted into a still very difficult world exists.
We can not change our pasts, we can only write our futures, I prefer to say that we can 'right' our futures...

Another verse in the song goes:

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say I love you right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.


I guess what I am simply trying to say is that maybe, instead of trying to understand life we should rather just enjoy the fact that we don't.