It is with a mixture of emotions that I have been reading over all my past posts again, reliving and remembering the journey and transformation that I have undertaken over the last several months. After my very first blog entry I had intended to continue with writing about sex, however none of my posts have ever been mainly focused on sex, but rather have been an outlet of emotions. It was as if I was pregnant with thoughts and feelings that were just dying to be birthed and expressed. My blog became a medium not only to communicate my experiences, but as an emotional tool to assist in my own understanding of myself. My blog has always been an honest, open and maybe sometimes to expressive platform for me to vent, share and resolve my steps along my path, with encouragement, advice and the hope that my story might assist someone else.
Throughout my posts, there have been many common themes and thoughts, guilt, pain and most of all fear of change. Looking back at my progress I feel proud that despite my concerns and worries, I seem to have been able to keep moving forward, all the while slowly chipping away and conquering my greatest of fears, finally freeing myself of a life of repression. I allowed myself to open my heart, accept, confront and to realize that fear alone is not a reason to not live ones life fully, because fear is merely the challenge that makes the success of achievement so much sweeter.
My son reminds me so much of myself as a child, I thus have been able to identify the fears that seem to inhibit him and to encourage him to overcome them. I remember him needing to have his tonsils removed, to which he was absolutely pained with concern and worry, as much as I tried to appease him that it was needed and would be fine, his over consuming distress was all to evident. He asked me why I had told him, and why I had not just taken him unknowing of what was about to come, to which I responded, "because I would never lie or deceive you, and I promise you that it will be ok." This seemed to provide the assurance he needed. I was proud at how despite his fear, he kept himself not only composed, but showed bravery as well. Truth is such a vital foundation of a any relationship and it is on this basis that I could not find myself travelling a journey under the guise of personal growth if truth was not part of my moral core.
For me telling the truth is a show of our caring to those that matter to us, but truth is especially important when not providing honesty affects the people that we are withholding it from, limiting the ability for the other to make a clear choice. I know all to well that when I withheld the truth about my sexuality I simply encumbered my wife with emotions of rejection, confusion and a diminished self. Despite the pain that sharing my secrets with her have caused, I gave her the ability to make choices, I freed her of burden, responsibility and I showed her the respect she deserved and my love for her as well.
I too now know all to well what it feels like to be lied to, having ones choice taken away and the pain that one endures from such lies. With the truth one not only has a clear way forward, but it also provides them with the choice of whether to forgive or not. I believe that it is the path of forgiveness that ultimately sets one free from anger, but this does not always mean that we allow that person further access to ourselves.
Access is something else that fascinates me, we open our hearts, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and we lay out our bodies to be explored by others. We do this for various reasons, but when it is done within a meaningful relationship with the beauty of heart and body it tends to be with someone that has made us feel safe, allowing us to be our most vulnerable. Ultimately everyone wants to feel safe, it is daunting to expose ones heart, knowledgeable that in doing so we open ourselves to accept pain as well. I have always enjoyed the intimacy that one gets from a deeper connection, from knowing the person, seeing them for more than just their skin value and then allowing oneself to be properly accessed. I have also learnt that such access can also be taken away.
I am on a fresh path, a new beginning, moving forward and still evolving. When one feels pain, hurt and let down it becomes easy to close our hearts. The fear of further hurt becomes a restrictor, limiting us, ultimately resulting in a lonely existence with us wearing our pain as a badge and the inability to form further meaningful relationships going forward. For me this remains a journey not solely based on sex, but rather an understanding of my sexuality. I will not let my fear of pain inhibit the ability to continue proceeding with an open heart, because for me I see so clearly how the beauty of loving far outweighs the danger of hurt. Being loved is something everyone strives for, but loving others is where the true mystique of life exists, it is the medicine for life and the underlying mark that one leaves behind.
“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.” Galileo Galilei