Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Normal Life......

Another year has past and wow what a year it has been! I had stopped smoking for over a year and a half, it was only after after being with the first guy that I started smoking all over again. I remember my shrink asked why I thought I was smoking again, and I jokingly said I thought it was because i like things in my mouth :-). I am a stage now where I am smoking over a pack a day, and once again my New Years resolution will be to try and to stop.

The last few days have really been an emotional roller coaster. My wife and I always try our hardest to shelter any of our pain or turmoil from our kids.
Yesterday was my boys 7th birthday. It was a day that we wanted to be totally about him, and a day in which he got full control over his choices and how he wanted the day to be. I think over the last few months, with all the drama and in particular me moving out of home, he felt like he had no say, so yesterday was his to feel in total control.

When it came to the blowing out of the candles and the wish that I was so eagerly awaiting to hear, I was disappointed to discover that he did not want to make a wish at all. This saddened me terribly, how could a bright, happy little 7 year old not want to make a wish?
I encouraged him to grab the opportunity and to not waste the wish, I told him that it could be a wish that would be just for him and that he would not need to tell anyone. (I know that this is what wishes are supposed to be.)
Today whilst putting him down to a much needed afternoon nap, I asked him if he would share the wish with me (I know I know). He did, he said he had wished for a normal life....
A normal life?
The wish for a normal life has been sitting with me, I think I was less perturbed by him not wanting to wish at all.
A normal life?

I realize that i need to consider what normal means to him, and knowing him, I see this as an extension of his wish at his 6th birthday when he wished for everything to just stay the same. This is always a daunting time of year for him, as he prepares for a new teacher, new class, and in particular this year, a new "big school".
I now know all to well that change is frightening, and it is even harder if change comes at a price of letting so much go in order to effect the change. I don't think it is change that really scares us though, it is the not knowing what the outcome will be, and the greatest fear of all, regret.

As hard as the last year has been, I can't say that I would change it or wish it away. There have been up and downs, and many emotions, but through it all I have lived, survived and grown and despite many mistakes, I hope to think I am maybe even a better man for it. I regret the hurt I have caused, and I realize now in trying to protect everyone around me, I was actually losing a piece of myself.
Now that all my dark secrets are out in the light, for the first time ever I have the possibility of being whole within my home, without fear of my lies burdening me any longer. I think that was my ultimate drive was to be able to be true, and for me I could not be true to myself whilst lying to others.
My parents and friends are a different story, and a challenge I will have to face another day, but for now, I am here...home, open and exposed, and most definitely awake to the world.

Today I went to see my boyfriend, although I don't know if I can refer to him as that anymore. It was a meeting that my wife knew about and that he had really asked for, I wanted to go, I think I needed to go. I had not seen him since this all happened, and although we have communicated it allowed us both just to prepare ourselves for a future apart.
It was brief, and I know letting go for him was not easy, it is hard to support someone on a journey that sends them away from you.
I realized whilst talking to him that he knows what it is he wants and so does my wife, I am jealous of both of them, as I long to know what it is exactly that I want. So much of me wants a "normal life", some simplicity. I dream of seeing my last days alive, just so that I could know that everything ends alright, I dream of being surrounded by people I love, and I just hope that the person I was made them proud.

So, what answers have I found along the way, have I managed to settle, and find inner peace?
Well I have looked everywhere for the answers, I have put myself through many different challenges and experiences, I have opened my heart and my mind, but the one place that I have not yet truly explored is myself.
I have not felt calm for quiet awhile now, and what I am hoping for is a little quite time and to just feel still. Even in my blog, I don't think I truly explore myself, somehow scared of what I may find, this is now my journey...

Giving up smoking will not be easy for me, I know I will crave the cigarettes, my body requires the nicotine, and I know that it will be a matter of time before it gets any easier in my efforts to let go of it.
I am so careful of what I eat, keeping fit and healthy, it surprises me that I smoke at all, but I guess that was my choice.

Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year, and hoping you be blessed with knowing what you want, and may you find the courage to go and get it....2010 is the new 2009......

Monday, December 28, 2009

Raw Truth...


In my study one of my prized possessions is a copy of Madonna's original book titled "Sex", it is in it's original state and packaging and has never been opened. Often I have longed to open it and read it, however I know that once I do, it will loose allot of it's value and appeal.

Yesterday we left the resort we had been staying at to come home, it was time to return to normality, not that our lives are exactly normal. I love hotels, they feel like a Mirage on the horizon, beautiful in there splendor, but alas far from reality.
Somehow, my wife and I felt buoyed by the meeting of my boyfriend, I am not sure exactly why, but it definitely seemed like it had been a step in the right direction.
Although I had tried to be as honest as I could with my wife, I only shared my sexuality, and the fact that I had an emotional connection with my boyfriend. I had not been truthful with regards to the men I had seen and slept with, or the fact that I was being sexual with my boyfriend.

To me, I always believed to some degree, that telling the truth only really set the person sharing it free, whilst burdening the one hearing it.
I had thought that I had burdened my wife with enough, and although I felt that she had the foundations of the truth, I see now, not telling someone the truth is not burdening them, but rather patronising them, because who are we to judge how they will or will not be able to deal with hearing the full and raw reality.
This was my mistake.....

Last night I went to go and have dinner with my boyfriend, I was so elated at how well the meeting had gone, and felt a great sense of confidence that the future would be ok.
As I sat down at the table and ordered I received a phone call from my wife, she had found my blog!!
I had been so cautious to protect my blog as a safe space for me to connect and express my secrets and emotions, however I had slipped up and now she had access to my deepest and darkest feelings and experiences.
The call hit me with total shock, I could feel the blood drain from my head, a coldness came over me and I felt my chest tightening, I was exposed, and I felt naked in my lies.
I immediately sped home, paying little regards to speed limits, traffic lights, or stop signs, I was not exactly sure what I would walk into, I felt ill, and devastation.

My wife was obviously distraught, I had tested her capacity, and I was now standing at the edge of a line. I proceeded to tell her everything, the most gory and intimate of details, how, when, where, how many men etc etc..
I had humiliated her, left her vulnerable, and allowed her to enter a situation that diminished her, but most of all I was cheating on her.
I guess the greatest love a person can give another, is loving them despite there flaws. For most of my marriage my wife had put me on a pedestal, loved me and cherished me, and now I had knocked myself off that pedestal and I was exposed for my sins.

My wife has an unbelievable goodness to her, she has a tremendous ability to see the good over and above the bad, however I was pushing her limits in this regard.
I was given a choice, a choice to either try and resolve my sexuality with her by my side, or to go to him, but that I could not have both.
I have built a life with this extraordinary women, with whom I have two kids, and who had given me so much. I had hurt her, she and my family needed and deserved me to do my utmost to resolve this. The answer seemed so clear.

I have written about choice and consequences, and this was such a moment, the consequence was leaving behind a remarkable gentle man, and a piece of me along with him.
As much as I had tried to protect everybody involved, my world was now in crisis, and I was hurting everyone around me.
It was a long fall from the emotional stability that I had felt that very morning, but alas, life is unpredictable, and I no longer had much influence of the way forward.
I have wounds to mend, and wrongs to right, time is now my only companion.

So like Madonna's book, which I dare not open, I have found myself opening a closed off part or my life in my desire to see what was inside, I just hope that in opening it, I have not lost the value and appeal of a bond that remains so important to me.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Wife can be surprising.....

In the movie Forrest Gump he says: "I am not a smart man... but I know what love is." Yes love is obvious, and it is a wonderful emotion to know and to feel. When my boyfriend and wife met yesterday, it was obvious to me that the willingness to expose themselves came because of there love for me. I don't say this with arrogance, but rather a sense of humility. On my boyfriends art studio wall it is written in chalk, "I have never felt invulnerable!" I remember it striking me.

My boyfriend and I sat in the lounge having a whiskey whilst waiting for my wife to arrive. As she approached I was in awe of her beauty, I have always been well aware that she is a magnificent women, and I am even used to people turning and staring, however last night it was me, who was a gasp and lost for breath.
I was extremely anxious for the meeting, worried about how my wife and boyfriend would react when faced with the reality of each other. I think I was so worried about them, that I never really stopped to think how I would manage.
I was caught off guard, unprepared, and if anyone struggled emotionally throughout the night, it was me.

The whole night seemed surreal, I often found myself lost, dazed and confused by all the emotions running through me. At times it was really awkward, when your wife and boyfriend are talking about you, pointing out my addiction to my mobile phone, teasing, prodding and uplifting me all at the same time.
The night was filled with extraordinary moments, and we all seemed to take turns rotating the attention, ensuring that everyone gained something out of the night, guiding, caring and growing, I think we all left there feeling a little more whole.

Marriage is hard, especially if you try to live it to rule book that doesn't even exist. Often it is easier to run, hide and avoid the confrontation, but for my wife and I, we are trying before we run in our opposite directions to understand what this all really means for us.
We have a desire to make sure that whatever the final outcome is, that we both tried our hardest.
So to quote a friend, "We are built to grow and move and change and destroy and create, and be right and wrong and hurt others and give others joy, it is inevitable as winter follows Autumn and spring is born and summer returns."
I went on this journey to find myself, and somehow I seem to be finding my wife, I am not sure in what form we will continue, but knowing she is forever a soul mate makes all of this seem so much easier.
Everybody in life deserves someone, those who choose to live alone shut off a part of themselves, because it only through knowing others that we can truly understand ourselves.

To quote Forest Gump again,"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." I could never have predicted the outcome when I decided to take this journey, to leave home, to tell me wife about my sexuality, boyfriend and I defiantly never thought how well last night would turn out, but I do know that I have been lucky, because in all of these decisions the outcome has been positive and one of growth, although during it all I have never felt invulnerable.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Meeting of a WIFE Time....


I have begun to accept not trying to predict the future, or what awaits around the next corner, however I still find myself absolutely amazed at how fascinating life can be.
My wife and I are simple people who seem to be doing extraordinary things, we consider ourselves soul mates, and it is on that foundation that we have built a wonderful relationship and space for our children to blossom in. We have always been considered the model couple, always conducted ourselves with dignity and a mutual respect, often to the awe of our friends and community.

Today, we are testing our progressiveness and the strength of our bond, as we try to construct our lives free of outside judgment or influence. We have decided that my boyfriend will be driving up later today, to meet us at the resort that we are currently holidaying at. It will be the first time that my wife and him meet. I am extremely conflicted with emotions as to how this will all play out. The opportunity seems right, as we do not have the children with us, we are on neutral ground, and we all have some quiet space to absorb the magnitude of what we are about to experience.
The only solace that I get is knowing that all parties involved have a goodness, gentleness and desire to make this work for the best.

It will be a truly interesting "next step" along the journey that we now all seem to find ourselves travelling, although we might have different paths at the moment, our hunger for inner peace, our caring and love for each other seems to ensure that we all have the same goal, happiness for all!

I look forward to sharing this new chapter, as soon as I have had the opportunity to absorb it all.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Freedom?

Yesterday, my boyfriends Parrot flew away. I never particularly liked the Parrot, I always put in so much effort in to trying to get the Parrot to like me, but to no avail. Still I can only imagine, how for the Parrot sitting on his cage, with his wings unclipped and the doors standing open, the freedom must have seemed irresistible.
For ages he must have stared at the world outside, wondering what it held for him, and although he had all his comforts and security, food, water, shelter and the Operatic music gently playing in the background, he decided to take a chance and to taste true freedom.

In most of my therapy sessions, I have often, even sometimes unconsciously spoke about my desire to be free, but what did this freedom really mean to me, and what exactly was it that I was looking to be free from.
My son who is now only days away from being 7, often asks to be treated like and adult. It seems that in his mind being an adult to him seems like a life of freedom, and the ability to make free choices.
In a magazine yesterday I read a entry which read as follows:
"At 18 you don't need to know what you want to do forever, but you do need to embrace the idea that, from now on, the consequences of your choices are your responsibility."

Looking back at history, it is evident that man has always strived for freedom, freedom of race, creed, religion, sexuality and many other causes, but the underlying theme that thinks all these things is the freedom to choose, to feel like the masters of our own destiny and the constructors of our lives.

I like the Parrot now also sit in a position where my wings are unclipped and the doors are open, however the question remains will I fly.
I feel like I am in a situation where the people I love will be hurt no matter in which direction I choose to go. My life has reached a complicated point, where I have the absolute freedom of choice, however conscious that I am never free of the consequences of those choices.
I am trying so hard to limit the hurt to everyone involved, with my guilt and self pain always halting my true ability to spread my wings. The response to my last blog, read: "You don't fully realize the pain that it causes until the pain is gone".. This resonated with me, as I am so aware of the torment and pain I am feeling, however I repress it so that I can continue to live.

My pain is evident to me, whilst I lie awake at night, when i look into my children's eyes, and when i look at my wife's pain, knowing I am breaking an oath that i made to her in front of my Family friends and God
Peter the Parrot, did not like me much, but he loved my boyfriend. Flying away from him could not have been easy, leaving behind loved ones and the entire life he knew. Like love, freedom is an emotion and drive that lets us know we are alive. Without true freedom, we are merely existing not living.

I have for for many years held a underlying anger and sadness, I know now that this was all a result of not feeling like I was living the consequences of my choices, but rather living the consequences of not truly living.
This is all easier said than done, I am in an invidious position because as excited as I am by the prospect of living a honest life, I am really scared. Often I wonder if I am brave enough to take the next step, and yet looking back I see the enormous leaps and bounds that I have been able to take. Look to the past to see the future I often say.

i live in a country and during a time, where I have been able to witness true struggle for freedom and I have been able to see the beauty that freedom has been able to deliver. I am proud to think that in a few years South Africa has not only been able to overcome some of it's greatest demons, but that it has been able to also incorporate a constitution enabling it's people wonderful freedom. We are now 1 of only 7 countries in the world that allows for gay marriage. As a child the repression of others never made sense to me, I have always strived for people to be able to have the choice of what makes them happy, because restricting others, is merely a tool to make the caged feel free.

So the question for me, is really not so much about whether or not I can fly, but rather if I do, will I like Peter the Parrot become hungary and unable to feed in the wild, will I be able to survive. Surely the momentary freedom, will fleet and Peter, will long for home and everything he left behind, or will he find inner peace and happiness knowing that he his choice and consequence was that although he is dying, he is living free.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Both Sides Now

There is a wonderful song originally written and sung by Joni Mitchell and then Remade by Paul Young, "I Have Looked at life from Both Sides Now." The last verse of the song is:

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

I currently am in a situation where I am married to a extrodinary women whilst pursuiing a relationship with the most wonderful man, both of whom know about the other.
I know that this setup probably sounds strangely unique (we are just "normal" people), but show me life's rule book. To me the above song represents that there really is no correct answer. Sometimes it is about accepting that things are bigger than us, for me love and life defiantely fall into this category. One would be naive to think that we can understand it all.

Throughout my journey of the past few months, not once could I have predicted what awaited around the next corner. My journey has been full of surprises and intrigue all the while learning and growing. What I have learn't, is that if we are willing to open ourselves up to oppurtunity, and are brave enough to grab life's blessings whilst being honest and true to ourselves, beautiful things are possible along the way.

Yes there are many obstacles, most of these are enforced on us through society and so called rules and instructions as to how we should live.
My father is a very important figure in my life, and somehow he has always had alot of sway over me. When I took the important decision to move out of home, his response was one of not supporting me. As much as this hurt, for the first time in my life I knew I needed to live for me.
It was a hard time for me, and he was making it even harder. It was in a serious sit down and heart to heart with my Dad, that I got to express allot of my emotions, now that I too am a father, I know the role is about unconditional love and support.
This was not about him, and was not really his to understand, all he needed to know was that I was his son in pain, and I needed him

In our conversation I told my Dad that I felt so guilty, he started to cry and responded that he had been trying to make me feel guilty, this was the only way he knew how to try to get me to go home. I was shocked, not at this revelation, but at his honesty. I realise that my life has been swayed, directed and controlled by subtle maninupalitve tools to get me to be the person and man my parents wanted. Yes they never directly asked me to make them proud or to be perfect, but when I did not provide these things, they retracted there support and maybe even love. The saying actions are louder than words was relevant here and looking back I see now that this has been how much of my life was constructed.

Men will continue to marry and grapple with their sexuality, unless they have the absolute freedom to properly explore and understand it, without judgements and subtle manipulation, be it from parents, society, or the picture perfect scenarios that are portrayed as right.
For the first time, I have claimed my life as my own, and I enjoy knowing that it is never to late to paint the canvass white and to start afresh. I am finally free to make my decisions,however cautious to remember the consequences of such. It is a liberating feeling, one that I am sure many a gay man understands as the battle to be accepted into a still very difficult world exists.
We can not change our pasts, we can only write our futures, I prefer to say that we can 'right' our futures...

Another verse in the song goes:

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say I love you right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.


I guess what I am simply trying to say is that maybe, instead of trying to understand life we should rather just enjoy the fact that we don't. video

Robert Frost (1874–1963)-The Road Not Taken



TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

On The Green...

I am taking some time out, I am at a luxury golf resort and spa. I love it, in fact my son was conceived here, although I am not exactly sure where, maybe the jacuzzi, shower, bed, 14Th hole or the main pool.
I am not much of a golfer, never have been and I am sad to say that I don't think I ever will be. My son however loves golf, he begged me from the age of 4 to play, and I agreed to kit him up and send him for lessons, I think it was the greatest thing for him. He is a natural, and unlike other team sports, with golf he gets to be 'master of his own destiny" as golf is really a game against one's self. (unless you seriously competing).

It amazes me the amount of effort that goes into creating these beautiful surroundings, to allow people to hit a little golf ball around.
Today while lazing by the pool I was talking to my wife about happiness. Yes, some of the discussion was the typical deep stuff such as what is happiness really etc etc, but what dawned on me and what I tried to convey to her, was that I think finding happiness takes hard work. We often have to construct our lives with a degree of struggle in order to allow for true happiness. I guess similar to all the effort that goes into creating and maintaining these golf courses, could be a metaphor for our lives.

My wife is my best friend and soul mate. She is a special person with a heart of gold, one of those"salt of the earth" people, and hurting her is very difficult for me.
We have always given each other mutual respect, love and caring, I would without a single thought be willing to jump in front of a bus for her.
I guess then the question needs to be asked, if I am willing to give up my life for her, why am I not willing to forget about this journey and exploration of my identity and sexuality and commit fully and make her the happiest women alive?
My wife always knew what she wanted, and a huge part of that was me.
The problem is in denying my identity, without exploring and finding out exactly who I am, I find that I have not been able to give her everything she deserves. I guess I realise that how can I be true to her, if I am not able to be true to myself? I think giving my life to save hers would be far easier, than giving up living my life honestly.

I wanted to be able to commit, and in fact after having moved out of home for 8 weeks, my wife read me a letter in one of our marriage counselling sessions, in that letter her pain was evident. I never wanted my leaving to be seen as a rejection on her, but without me being honest and her not having all the information, prevented her from being able to understand it all and left her looking at her own inadequacies.
She wanted and needed me to love and desire her as a women.
In order to turn off her pain, and because I was not brave enough to tell her the truth, I decided to move back home.
For her my homecoming was a sense of relief and happiness, she had her stability back, for me, I felt like I had let myself down.

It did not take long for my depression to be evident to my wife, she could see the pain in my eyes. I had done so much work trying to figure this all out, and in a flash, I had gone right back to where I started.
My absolute desire to tell my wife the truth was now consuming me.
Looking back, it was one of life's special moments (yes even the hardest of moments can be special), we were sitting under the trees, watching the kids playing on a perfect day.
She asked me, what it was that I felt I could not tell her. At the beginning of all this she said to me that she felt that there was nothing we could not conquer together, and I asked if she really had meant that. She nodded.

It was not an easy moment for me, I envisaged a huge vent of anger, and a massive scene. I was worried because the kids were nearby, and the last thing they needed in their fragile minds, was the vision of there mother stabbing their father to a pulp.
This was not the way it would be though, you see sometimes love can be pure. Loving someone does not mean loving them to their detriment, but rather loving them enough to let them be their whole self. Under the trees that day, my wife would teach me this lesson.
What she gave me and continues to is probably one of the greatest gifts anyone could, loving and accepting me unconditionally for who and what I am.

We have decided to support each other, while both of us try and find out exactly what this all means for us, and to assist each other in finding our "happy place". My wife needs me as much as I need her, love and a life of 12 years together is not a switch than can just be turned off.

So yes these golf courses are magnificent, and have a mystical and Disney world bliss to them, I am sure that while these golfers continue there pursuit of competing to be the best they can be on the course, all to often the hard work and effort that has gone into creating these little oasis' of happiness is forgotten, maybe just like life itself.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

His Master's Voice...



I love technology, in particular all things Apple. I browse gadget blogs and websites, and have a soft spot for anything cutting edge and new. There is nothing quiet like opening up a new piece of Apple Technology and getting that unique smell.

When I moved out of home I did not possess much other than the few clothes that I had taken with me, I had not wanted to remove to much from the house in order to limit the disruption to my family.
Strangely enough whilst out of home I craved to own a Gramophone, it was a complete contrast to the fast pace and technological world I was used to. There is something magnificent in the simplicity of a Gramophone, and the music is beautiful in it's imperfection.
I found one, and for me it bought an inner peace listening to it.

Being a techie, allowed me to navigate the gay cyber world with confidence. I knew how to protect myself, and how to setup the relevant accounts etc needed.
Not long into my new journey I struck up a conversation with someone with whom after the first few sentences typed, I knew would be someone special in my life.
We progressed to camera chats, and this went on for several days. I know a lot of people frown upon cyber meets, but the nature of them I believe allows for an openness and level of communication unique to a real world meeting. (Don't get me wrong one has to be extremely careful, it can be opening a door to great danger.)

He is an artist, and so different to the black and white business world that I am used to. Our first meeting was in the back streets, not for sinister reasons, but because he was having a new sound system installed into a old Land Rover that he had recently bought.
I gave advice as to which speakers, and how they should be fitted, and we then moved on to have coffee at a little Christian coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.
It was a wonderful time, he had a calmness and gentleness to him that absolutely captivated me. We agreed to meet the following night..."a date!"

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that there was a whole world out there besides, restaurants, and dinner at peoples homes. My wife and I had seemed to lose the Joie De Vivre, of watching sunsets, and sitting on beaches, just for the sake of sitting.

He and I agreed that he would pick me up in his Land Rover and that we would drive "nowhere" we would simply see where we ended up, I agreed to organize the food and drink.
From our chats, I had learnt that his favourites were Whiskey and Chinese food, I arranged a slow roasted duck, noodles and fortune cookies as well as a bottle of fine whiskey.
We agreed to meet at large malls parking garage, however once arriving there was no answer on his mobile phone. I was devastated, not only that he had not pitched, but because I could not believe that I had read the situation and him so wrongly.
Luckily I had not, he had simply dropped and broken his phone, and called me from a call phone to locate exactly where I was.....we were on our way.

We parked in a parking lot alongside a quiet beach, and later moved to a deserted driveway. It was wonderful, sitting there eating our Chinese, drinking our whiskey, I felt so far away from the world, I felt alive and as if I was a teenager all over again. In the simplicity of the night was pure joy.
Kissing him, was wonderful and unique to anything else I had done or experienced.
He knew about me being married, my kids, everything, and this played heavily on his mind, so no matter how hard I tried to progress into further sexual activity I was constantly prevented. We merely smoked, drank and kissed the night away getting ever increasingly intoxicated.

My fondest memory of the night, watching him running barefoot into a club to purchase more cigarettes. in that moment he represented a freedom, and wholeness of life, it ignited a inner passion in me.
Not having sex that night was probably the best thing that could have happened, it allowed for our relationship to developed on a different foundation. Although, this relationship would prove very dangerous for me, because as apposed to this being simply about sex, I found myself falling for him. This scared me.

What has developed is a relationship that many people strive for. We have a mutual respect and care deeply for each other, and our relationship has blossomed into something far greater than either of us had ever expected. I guess life is full of surprises and for the first time in a long time, if maybe ever, I was following my heart and not my brain.

On a recent fishing trip with my son, we stayed in a small lodge where everyone sat down at one table for dinner. On our last night, a young recently engaged British couple had arrived. The women was giving my son a tremendous amount of attention and he loved it. He tried his hardest and conducted himself as a real little man with his best manners.
I saw him staring at this women with this funny little smile on his face, when asking him what he was thinking? He asked to please see me in our room immediately, I responded that after dinner we would be able to talk.
On our way back to the room, he asked me, "Daddy what is love?".
I said that love is unique, because it is not something we think with our brain, it is something we feel in our heart.
He responded, "ok I don't think I feel it in my heart, but I don't think I could date someone who speaks like that", referring to her accent. I remind you he is 6 years old!

It is funny, that I can say that I have a boyfriend, however I still struggle with the concept of being gay.

It was my "boyfriend" who introduced me to the Gramophone and to me it represents him in so many ways.
When listening to a Gramophone one's brain knows that you could listen to the same music in the highest of quality downloaded neatly from itunes with album art and all, however what the Gramophone does when listening to it.......is awaken the heart...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I Will Survive....

Having children is a true blessing. My son is almost 7 and my daughter is 14months after him turning 6 early next year.
I always knew I wanted to be a father, even as a kid I dreamed of having children.

With my son, we had decided not to find out the sex. When he was born the Doctor took him out of the womb with his back facing me, I clearly remember the absolute shock and pride when they turned him to face me and I could see I had a son. In that instant, I had become a father, and for the rest of my life, my priorities had now changed. He had become my world, and purpose.

Due to the close age gap between my children we decided to find out the sex of my daughter to alleviate some of the post birth stress and to allow us to prepare (pink room, pink clothes).
For a father, there is something about a son, every father I think (maybe even secretly) wishes for a son. Obviously a healthy child is all a parent can truly hope for, but for a father, the dream of a boy is evident.

Having said this, I have been blessed with best of both worlds, and I can unequivocally say, that yes having a son is amazing, but having a daughter gives me as a father a completeness that I could not imagine getting from anyone else.
To me she smells like candyfloss, and at night when I climb into bed for a cuddle with her, her glistening pure white skin seems to glow in the dark, even on the hottest of nights she feels cool to the touch, and when she notices me climbing into her bed and I see her excitement and welcoming eyes, I feel good about life and who I am.

I am hard on myself, and this journey that I am on, has made it even harder for me to look in the mirror and feel pride. My greatest fear is letting my children down, and juggling my emotions in this regard has not been easy.
A few months ago I was sitting in the same spot I sit in as I write this, when my son came up to me and said out of the blue, "sometimes a mistake is just a mistake, it not the end of the world."
I by no means describe my life as a mistake, but recall after my very first session with my shrink. I had literally thrown my whole life at her in the hope for her to give me the miracle answer (maybe even a pill or two) and to send me on my way. This unfortunately is not the way it works and what she said to me was, "this is not life or death."
Both of them were right, sometimes we get over consumed by the problem that we can not see the wood from the trees, maybe even loose perspective of life itself.

Yes, my life is confusing, sometimes difficult, and absolutely I feel tremendous pain at times, but unlike illness, or true tragedy, I have a certain amount of control over my life.
I often jokingly say that I do not believe it is birth that is the miracle, but that we manage to survive. All of us are so similar in our desire to live. Apple's CEO, Steve Jobs said in his speech to Stanford University, "isn't it amazing how we all want to go to heaven, but none of us are willing to die to get there."
Yes our desire to live is great, but surely it is how we live that truly matters, like I said to my son this morning, all that is really important is that we are happy.....

video

Friday, December 18, 2009

Same Same..,but different!


In a few days it will be my son's 7th Birthday. At his last birthday, after blowing out his candles he said his wish out loud, "I wish for everything to stay the same."
My son is a old soul, with a deep spirit, and his wish struck me. It was beautiful in it's simplicity. He had been having a great holiday, a wonderful birthday, and simply just wanted it all to stay just like it was.

Change is scary, daunting, and often it is easier to just keep things the way they are. My family and I, love routine, and knowing what to expect, most of our life has been constructed around a sense of stability and predictability.

Over the last few months, my decision to take this journey, meant I had to step out of "keeping everything the same" and to face the fear of the unknown and change.
I reached a point where I knew that in order to properly explore my identity and sexuality, I would need to move out of my home.
I was not brave enough to explain to my wife the exact reasoning for this, but with all the extra pressure that this was placing on our marriage, she too knew and felt like this was needed.

I designed, and built our house, it is a beautiful home, customised to our every whim, and I am extremely proud of it. It was always my "safe place", and leaving it was not easy. Packing my bag to leave was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, telling the kids I was leaving was the hardest! It is only when one packs their little bag and has to decide what to take, is it that one realizes what is really important in life.
I am pedantic about my home, always wanting it to be spotless, and beautiful. I guess to me, I thought that if my home was in order, it made me feel like everything was ok in my life. I was so wrong! I spent more time worrying about the condition of my home than actually simply enjoying it. I now realize that the 4 walls we live in is far less important than the way we live inside of those 4 walls.

At the time, I felt so brave for moving out, my wife and I conducted ourselves with dignity in a community within which we are extremely well known. The fascination in our lives irritated me, but we both kept our heads up high.
Looking back, I now realize I was not brave, I was merely running away from having to face the real underlying reasons, and being truthful to myself.
I was doing the best that I could, everyone saw me as strong, but I was not ready, prepared or had enough understanding at that time, of what this all really meant.

I am excited to see what my son wishes for at his upcoming birthday? Looking back at his last wish, and having re-thought it all I don't think wishing for things to stay the same is what I would want for him. The Chinese have a saying "may we live in interesting times." I used this in my 21st birthday speech, and I believe that change is the true blessing, because it is only through change, living and experiencing life that we can truly grow. I want to live life, I want to taste it, even if it is bitter at times......

(The attached picture, was a drunk destitute man that I saw sitting on this bench during a trip, and found his t-shirt and circumstance profound.)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Virgin Territory

People have always said to me that I seem to get everything I want, sometimes without even realising it. You know the saying, "be careful what you wish for because it might come true," this could be used to describe allot of my life's outcomes.

I can clearly remember losing my virginity (I think most remember the 1st time), I was 16 years old, and on a school tour. We were tenting it through most of Europe, it was a very basic no frills tour and I loved it.
A week or 2 into the travels, we pulled into this little German Village after a day on the bus, filled with allot of making out with this particular girl...., my trip seemed to just be getting better and better.

That night we hit a beer hall, and got fabulously drunk, (I doubt today you would find teachers as liberal as ours were on that tour), and I clearly remember the excitement and awkwardness of returning back to the camp site.
I can still remember the smell of the tent and wet ground mixing in the air. I wasted no time removing her top, and was progressing as quickly as Caster Semenya round the track. I would to go into details of passionate and amazing sex, however I am embarrassed to say, that I think putting on the condom took longer than the actual act itself.

I am pleased to say that my sexual career went from strength to strength thereafter, it was whilst living on a kibbutz in Israel that I really got my Masters Degree in sexual matters. On the kibbutz, it was never a question of whether or not I would have sex, just a matter of with which girl. Times were different, I was different, and to some degree I had separated the emotional feelings from the sexual act, allowing me to move freely from one person to another without any conscience or holds.

Sleeping with a man for the 1st time, was a totally different experience!

The decision to go ahead with taking the leap, cheating on my wife and family, was not a easy one. It came after years of successful repression, but a dying need to answer the question which had been burning inside me for so long. I figured that i would rather die regretting the things I had done, than the things I had not.

Like most of my life, I wanted control, and so I laid several rules in place before agreeing to meet. I think part of me thought, that he would tell me to "move on" I think I was hoping he would, but he never did. The rules were:
-No Kissing
-I never remove my wedding ring
-I arrive and leave through the front door
-He would need to bottom for me...(I know, I know...), oh and he had to have a HIV test as well.

I felt like this was very much a situation of whether or not this was my wish coming true, what I really wanted or both.
Although I appeared very confident, internally I was an absolute mess. When that point in the evening came, you know, the point where you can feel something is going to happen. I told myself don't not to flinch, however as he leant over and rubbed my arm I flinched.
I wanted to experience as much as possible, believing that this would be my one and only chance to have all my questions answered.

Hmmm, I hit a few speed bumps. Firstly for the 1st time in my life, my penis decided that just what my mind thought was ok, did not mean that he did. My penis was in a flux of confusion, and required allot of coxing at times. This was the 1st time that my penis and I could not get along.
To be honest the whole things was a disaster, I was using condoms for the 1st time in 12 years, and all in all, I felt as comfortable as a buck at a hunting rally. Nothing really worked, the sex was terrible, he was uncircumcised which even confused my poor penis even more.

I left there, not having being able to finish, but I was so happy, I mean now I knew, I had my questions answered, I mean surely this meant I was straight.
I loved the drive home, and I loved arriving home even more, although I felt guilty I believed I could now continue with my life....? Or so I thought!

So this was no longer a situation of me getting what I wanted, I was being drawn into something I did not want, and no matter how hard I seemed to wish it all away, the pull and desire to be true to myself was just to strong......

Friday, December 11, 2009

School is out...

So I just received my kids final year reports, they very young so obviously the reports are not grades, more along the lines of how they adapt and fit into group situations and partake in activities.
I read these reports from a different viewpoint to what I normally would have, I mean, really, how important is it whether or not they can cut a circle or not?

At dinner the other night with 2 of my oldest male friends, we were all discussing our dreams and expectations of our kids. My friends were going on about how they hope for sportsmen, CEOs, lawyers etc etc, my response was quiet simply...."I want happy kids." Is that not the goal? Where did we lose sight of that? surely it does not matter what they choose to do, but rather about how happy they are doing it!

I was not a happy child....AT ALL! I was seriously insecure, and was in a school system that was extremely counter productive for me. In Grade 2, I had a teacher who single handily managed to negatively impact my life in a huge way, it took me years to overcome.
I bumped into her a little while ago, she runs a restaurant that I frequent. She in a very shy and demure tone mentioned to me that she had taught me in Grade 2.
That night I went home to find my report and grade 2 pictures (My Mom is anal and pedantic like that, right down to my hair clippings, toe nail cuttings and milk teeth), there she was, and reading the report bought back the trauma of my Grade 2 experiences. My teacher had decided to hold me back for another year, increasing her chances to really fuck up my life, and all for the wrong reasons, rather than address my uniqueness and issues, I was labelled as different.

Labels are dangerous things, especially for children, because children love structure, so when you give them the structure of a label they accordingly buy into it, regardless of whether or not it is fairly pinned on or not.
The gay world loves it's labels, and boxes, I was amazed at how many little neat boxes there are to fit into....top, bottom, vers, fat,fem,gay,bi,straight acting etc etc etc etc etc, , and you can even use several of these boxes together such as "top ver, wm, cur" which means a curios white male who prefers topping, but would bottom as well...the list goes on and on.

Anyhow, the next day I decided to take my report and pictures and to go and visit this teacher again. As I walked in a saw her sitting in the back of the restaurant, I approached with excitement to now be able to confront her as a successful adult, and not the loser with little hope she had described me as.
I greeted her and said to her "look what I found". As I reached for the report she burst out crying, saying "I was a terrible teacher and I am so sorry". It had haunted her for years, but had a far greater impact on me than I think she will ever understand. In a child's life, the people with influence are so vital in the person that we become, yet as parents we trust our kids futures on so called experts with little regard for the impact and power the yield, don't get me wrong there are some amazing teachers out there, and I was lucky to find one in later life who helped me rebuild my life. We send our kids off to be prepared to fit into society, and they are taught how to think as opposed to how to think for themselves.

This nearly happened to my daughter in the middle of this year, they tried labelling her, except unlike my parents, I never allowed it to happen. And in fact with great expense, and unfortunately undue stress on my daughter I was able to prove the school wrong. I wish I never had to, but I knew that I wished my parents never just accepted what was told to them, and had given me more of a chance....even if it meant fighting the system a bit. My daughter now seems to be thriving again, and I am excited to have her out of the clutches of a person, who should never have been able to have the impact on little futures that she does.

So... I have decided that even with all the gay terminology and boxes, I will choose to create my own box, and my own identity. One that fits me, not one that I need to try and fit into. This is me claiming my life, and trying to let it be my construct going forward, although I by no means am here to fight society, no, no no, I am simply trying to change the way I live in it....


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

and on the sixth day of creation God created Man

I have been wanting to blog for sometime now, but have always been intimidated by the whiteness and blankness of the page, I am no writer!
There will be spelling mistakes (lots of these, please don't try correct them) and poor grammar, but I will write from my heart as I try and share, what for me has been the most extraordinary journey. Obviously this is all relative, but at the moment, I love waking up, not quite knowing what to expect, but believing that anything is possible!!

To Summarize, I am in my early 30s, (modesty aside now), I know I am good looking, fit and fairly intelligent, OK I think very intelligent, not in a academic way, more along the lines of being able to read people, having street savvy and generally knowing how to present myself.
You see I was bought up like this, taught to present, and present we did...we were always the idyllic family.....presenting perfection.
My parents were always 100% committed to us as children, and in turn all we wanted was to make them proud. The reward of pleasing my parents became addictive, hearing the words was like giving a swig of Brandy to the alcoholic . Instead of us deciding what made us happy and my parents being proud, we made my parents proud and this made us happy.

Of course under these circumstances, being gay, liking men or swaying from the role of marrying and providing the expectation of grandchildren for them never seemed much of a option for me. On the contrary, I was married at the tender age of 23, much to there pride and satisfaction, and I had provided them with 2 grandchildren by the age of 26.

Somewhere in all of this, I lost a huge part of myself. My wife had gone into a deep depression after our 1st child, and like my rush through most of my life, we had jumped straight into the second child. We had the home, the life the whole family dream....and I was on the hamster wheel running..., and presenting.
I love my children more than life itself, the give me a purpose, a fulfillment and have taught me love I would never have thought possible, but it is hard work, and even harder at such a young age.

I am going to jump forward a lot now as I will fill in the gaps latter on: by the age of 29 I was weighing 30kg more than I weigh now. I had reached a point where I had decided to pull my life back on track, and through a lot of gym training, diet and hard work, I was able to regain my body and to some degree my mind.

Part of this reclamation of my body and life came attention, and who doesn't like attention? "you looking so good, etc etc".... as well as flirtatious advances and the like. I had never cheated on my wife and I certainly was never planning too, but I needed the affirmation and loved receiving it.

Here is where we get a bit juicy....this is where everyone starts to lean a little closer to the screen.
I wasn't always aware that I was attracted to men, the 1st memory I have of it being a reality was when i lived in London at the age of 21, and walking into a porn store (no stars over the nipples hehe)..and looking at the males mags and being fascinated. The rest progressed with the progression of the internet, from looking at porn, to being able to watch and be watched in live cam 2 cam sessions, to finding myself on a local website that allowed for the meeting of other local gay, bi, married...straight etc etc men.
I was in awe of this site, as uncomfortable as I felt on it, for the 1st time my fantasies had the ability to become a reality....I knew I was about to open a door and a dangerous one at that...

On the site I met 2 people I really liked and felt I could trust, discretion was vital (this was about 6 months ago), and of those 2 I narrowed down to 1,...somehow I felt I could trust him, we had been skyping and chatting a lot, and I was building up more and more trust. He was gentle with me, never pushing, but clearly pulling ever so slightly....

This was no place to be in for a good boy like me, married, father, great career, high profile...how was it that this is the position I now found myself in....I know the answer to that question now...