Tuesday, December 8, 2009

and on the sixth day of creation God created Man

I have been wanting to blog for sometime now, but have always been intimidated by the whiteness and blankness of the page, I am no writer!
There will be spelling mistakes (lots of these, please don't try correct them) and poor grammar, but I will write from my heart as I try and share, what for me has been the most extraordinary journey. Obviously this is all relative, but at the moment, I love waking up, not quite knowing what to expect, but believing that anything is possible!!

To Summarize, I am in my early 30s, (modesty aside now), I know I am good looking, fit and fairly intelligent, OK I think very intelligent, not in a academic way, more along the lines of being able to read people, having street savvy and generally knowing how to present myself.
You see I was bought up like this, taught to present, and present we did...we were always the idyllic family.....presenting perfection.
My parents were always 100% committed to us as children, and in turn all we wanted was to make them proud. The reward of pleasing my parents became addictive, hearing the words was like giving a swig of Brandy to the alcoholic . Instead of us deciding what made us happy and my parents being proud, we made my parents proud and this made us happy.

Of course under these circumstances, being gay, liking men or swaying from the role of marrying and providing the expectation of grandchildren for them never seemed much of a option for me. On the contrary, I was married at the tender age of 23, much to there pride and satisfaction, and I had provided them with 2 grandchildren by the age of 26.

Somewhere in all of this, I lost a huge part of myself. My wife had gone into a deep depression after our 1st child, and like my rush through most of my life, we had jumped straight into the second child. We had the home, the life the whole family dream....and I was on the hamster wheel running..., and presenting.
I love my children more than life itself, the give me a purpose, a fulfillment and have taught me love I would never have thought possible, but it is hard work, and even harder at such a young age.

I am going to jump forward a lot now as I will fill in the gaps latter on: by the age of 29 I was weighing 30kg more than I weigh now. I had reached a point where I had decided to pull my life back on track, and through a lot of gym training, diet and hard work, I was able to regain my body and to some degree my mind.

Part of this reclamation of my body and life came attention, and who doesn't like attention? "you looking so good, etc etc".... as well as flirtatious advances and the like. I had never cheated on my wife and I certainly was never planning too, but I needed the affirmation and loved receiving it.

Here is where we get a bit juicy....this is where everyone starts to lean a little closer to the screen.
I wasn't always aware that I was attracted to men, the 1st memory I have of it being a reality was when i lived in London at the age of 21, and walking into a porn store (no stars over the nipples hehe)..and looking at the males mags and being fascinated. The rest progressed with the progression of the internet, from looking at porn, to being able to watch and be watched in live cam 2 cam sessions, to finding myself on a local website that allowed for the meeting of other local gay, bi, married...straight etc etc men.
I was in awe of this site, as uncomfortable as I felt on it, for the 1st time my fantasies had the ability to become a reality....I knew I was about to open a door and a dangerous one at that...

On the site I met 2 people I really liked and felt I could trust, discretion was vital (this was about 6 months ago), and of those 2 I narrowed down to 1,...somehow I felt I could trust him, we had been skyping and chatting a lot, and I was building up more and more trust. He was gentle with me, never pushing, but clearly pulling ever so slightly....

This was no place to be in for a good boy like me, married, father, great career, high profile...how was it that this is the position I now found myself in....I know the answer to that question now...

1 comment:

  1. Hey- welcome to the blogosphere. Spelling errors and all, it was really nice reading your story... a chapter of your life. :) Feel guilty, confused, happy, sad, perplexed, befuddled, enlightened, aware.