Monday, December 28, 2009
In my study one of my prized possessions is a copy of Madonna's original book titled "Sex", it is in it's original state and packaging and has never been opened. Often I have longed to open it and read it, however I know that once I do, it will loose allot of it's value and appeal.
Yesterday we left the resort we had been staying at to come home, it was time to return to normality, not that our lives are exactly normal. I love hotels, they feel like a Mirage on the horizon, beautiful in there splendor, but alas far from reality.
Somehow, my wife and I felt buoyed by the meeting of my boyfriend, I am not sure exactly why, but it definitely seemed like it had been a step in the right direction.
Although I had tried to be as honest as I could with my wife, I only shared my sexuality, and the fact that I had an emotional connection with my boyfriend. I had not been truthful with regards to the men I had seen and slept with, or the fact that I was being sexual with my boyfriend.
To me, I always believed to some degree, that telling the truth only really set the person sharing it free, whilst burdening the one hearing it.
I had thought that I had burdened my wife with enough, and although I felt that she had the foundations of the truth, I see now, not telling someone the truth is not burdening them, but rather patronising them, because who are we to judge how they will or will not be able to deal with hearing the full and raw reality.
This was my mistake.....
Last night I went to go and have dinner with my boyfriend, I was so elated at how well the meeting had gone, and felt a great sense of confidence that the future would be ok.
As I sat down at the table and ordered I received a phone call from my wife, she had found my blog!!
I had been so cautious to protect my blog as a safe space for me to connect and express my secrets and emotions, however I had slipped up and now she had access to my deepest and darkest feelings and experiences.
The call hit me with total shock, I could feel the blood drain from my head, a coldness came over me and I felt my chest tightening, I was exposed, and I felt naked in my lies.
I immediately sped home, paying little regards to speed limits, traffic lights, or stop signs, I was not exactly sure what I would walk into, I felt ill, and devastation.
My wife was obviously distraught, I had tested her capacity, and I was now standing at the edge of a line. I proceeded to tell her everything, the most gory and intimate of details, how, when, where, how many men etc etc..
I had humiliated her, left her vulnerable, and allowed her to enter a situation that diminished her, but most of all I was cheating on her.
I guess the greatest love a person can give another, is loving them despite there flaws. For most of my marriage my wife had put me on a pedestal, loved me and cherished me, and now I had knocked myself off that pedestal and I was exposed for my sins.
My wife has an unbelievable goodness to her, she has a tremendous ability to see the good over and above the bad, however I was pushing her limits in this regard.
I was given a choice, a choice to either try and resolve my sexuality with her by my side, or to go to him, but that I could not have both.
I have built a life with this extraordinary women, with whom I have two kids, and who had given me so much. I had hurt her, she and my family needed and deserved me to do my utmost to resolve this. The answer seemed so clear.
I have written about choice and consequences, and this was such a moment, the consequence was leaving behind a remarkable gentle man, and a piece of me along with him.
As much as I had tried to protect everybody involved, my world was now in crisis, and I was hurting everyone around me.
It was a long fall from the emotional stability that I had felt that very morning, but alas, life is unpredictable, and I no longer had much influence of the way forward.
I have wounds to mend, and wrongs to right, time is now my only companion.
So like Madonna's book, which I dare not open, I have found myself opening a closed off part or my life in my desire to see what was inside, I just hope that in opening it, I have not lost the value and appeal of a bond that remains so important to me.