Sunday, December 20, 2009

His Master's Voice...

I love technology, in particular all things Apple. I browse gadget blogs and websites, and have a soft spot for anything cutting edge and new. There is nothing quiet like opening up a new piece of Apple Technology and getting that unique smell.

When I moved out of home I did not possess much other than the few clothes that I had taken with me, I had not wanted to remove to much from the house in order to limit the disruption to my family.
Strangely enough whilst out of home I craved to own a Gramophone, it was a complete contrast to the fast pace and technological world I was used to. There is something magnificent in the simplicity of a Gramophone, and the music is beautiful in it's imperfection.
I found one, and for me it bought an inner peace listening to it.

Being a techie, allowed me to navigate the gay cyber world with confidence. I knew how to protect myself, and how to setup the relevant accounts etc needed.
Not long into my new journey I struck up a conversation with someone with whom after the first few sentences typed, I knew would be someone special in my life.
We progressed to camera chats, and this went on for several days. I know a lot of people frown upon cyber meets, but the nature of them I believe allows for an openness and level of communication unique to a real world meeting. (Don't get me wrong one has to be extremely careful, it can be opening a door to great danger.)

He is an artist, and so different to the black and white business world that I am used to. Our first meeting was in the back streets, not for sinister reasons, but because he was having a new sound system installed into a old Land Rover that he had recently bought.
I gave advice as to which speakers, and how they should be fitted, and we then moved on to have coffee at a little Christian coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.
It was a wonderful time, he had a calmness and gentleness to him that absolutely captivated me. We agreed to meet the following night..."a date!"

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that there was a whole world out there besides, restaurants, and dinner at peoples homes. My wife and I had seemed to lose the Joie De Vivre, of watching sunsets, and sitting on beaches, just for the sake of sitting.

He and I agreed that he would pick me up in his Land Rover and that we would drive "nowhere" we would simply see where we ended up, I agreed to organize the food and drink.
From our chats, I had learnt that his favourites were Whiskey and Chinese food, I arranged a slow roasted duck, noodles and fortune cookies as well as a bottle of fine whiskey.
We agreed to meet at large malls parking garage, however once arriving there was no answer on his mobile phone. I was devastated, not only that he had not pitched, but because I could not believe that I had read the situation and him so wrongly.
Luckily I had not, he had simply dropped and broken his phone, and called me from a call phone to locate exactly where I was.....we were on our way.

We parked in a parking lot alongside a quiet beach, and later moved to a deserted driveway. It was wonderful, sitting there eating our Chinese, drinking our whiskey, I felt so far away from the world, I felt alive and as if I was a teenager all over again. In the simplicity of the night was pure joy.
Kissing him, was wonderful and unique to anything else I had done or experienced.
He knew about me being married, my kids, everything, and this played heavily on his mind, so no matter how hard I tried to progress into further sexual activity I was constantly prevented. We merely smoked, drank and kissed the night away getting ever increasingly intoxicated.

My fondest memory of the night, watching him running barefoot into a club to purchase more cigarettes. in that moment he represented a freedom, and wholeness of life, it ignited a inner passion in me.
Not having sex that night was probably the best thing that could have happened, it allowed for our relationship to developed on a different foundation. Although, this relationship would prove very dangerous for me, because as apposed to this being simply about sex, I found myself falling for him. This scared me.

What has developed is a relationship that many people strive for. We have a mutual respect and care deeply for each other, and our relationship has blossomed into something far greater than either of us had ever expected. I guess life is full of surprises and for the first time in a long time, if maybe ever, I was following my heart and not my brain.

On a recent fishing trip with my son, we stayed in a small lodge where everyone sat down at one table for dinner. On our last night, a young recently engaged British couple had arrived. The women was giving my son a tremendous amount of attention and he loved it. He tried his hardest and conducted himself as a real little man with his best manners.
I saw him staring at this women with this funny little smile on his face, when asking him what he was thinking? He asked to please see me in our room immediately, I responded that after dinner we would be able to talk.
On our way back to the room, he asked me, "Daddy what is love?".
I said that love is unique, because it is not something we think with our brain, it is something we feel in our heart.
He responded, "ok I don't think I feel it in my heart, but I don't think I could date someone who speaks like that", referring to her accent. I remind you he is 6 years old!

It is funny, that I can say that I have a boyfriend, however I still struggle with the concept of being gay.

It was my "boyfriend" who introduced me to the Gramophone and to me it represents him in so many ways.
When listening to a Gramophone one's brain knows that you could listen to the same music in the highest of quality downloaded neatly from itunes with album art and all, however what the Gramophone does when listening to awaken the heart...


  1. I look forward to your posts. They seem to flow almost like poetry. I hope for the best with you and your boyfriend.

  2. well u got me hooked.

    you have a refreshing honesty. in just a few posts it seems like i know u rather well.

    keep posting...

    i am 32, married to my best friend since second grade,high school teacher out at school, I have worked with gay support groups with all sorts of men so if u have questions or wanna chat, just holler.


  3. I love what you're writing.

    I'm also in my 30s, married, father and gay.