Another year has past and wow what a year it has been! I had stopped smoking for over a year and a half, it was only after after being with the first guy that I started smoking all over again. I remember my shrink asked why I thought I was smoking again, and I jokingly said I thought it was because i like things in my mouth :-). I am a stage now where I am smoking over a pack a day, and once again my New Years resolution will be to try and to stop.
The last few days have really been an emotional roller coaster. My wife and I always try our hardest to shelter any of our pain or turmoil from our kids.
Yesterday was my boys 7th birthday. It was a day that we wanted to be totally about him, and a day in which he got full control over his choices and how he wanted the day to be. I think over the last few months, with all the drama and in particular me moving out of home, he felt like he had no say, so yesterday was his to feel in total control.
When it came to the blowing out of the candles and the wish that I was so eagerly awaiting to hear, I was disappointed to discover that he did not want to make a wish at all. This saddened me terribly, how could a bright, happy little 7 year old not want to make a wish?
I encouraged him to grab the opportunity and to not waste the wish, I told him that it could be a wish that would be just for him and that he would not need to tell anyone. (I know that this is what wishes are supposed to be.)
Today whilst putting him down to a much needed afternoon nap, I asked him if he would share the wish with me (I know I know). He did, he said he had wished for a normal life....
A normal life?
The wish for a normal life has been sitting with me, I think I was less perturbed by him not wanting to wish at all.
A normal life?
I realize that i need to consider what normal means to him, and knowing him, I see this as an extension of his wish at his 6th birthday when he wished for everything to just stay the same. This is always a daunting time of year for him, as he prepares for a new teacher, new class, and in particular this year, a new "big school".
I now know all to well that change is frightening, and it is even harder if change comes at a price of letting so much go in order to effect the change. I don't think it is change that really scares us though, it is the not knowing what the outcome will be, and the greatest fear of all, regret.
As hard as the last year has been, I can't say that I would change it or wish it away. There have been up and downs, and many emotions, but through it all I have lived, survived and grown and despite many mistakes, I hope to think I am maybe even a better man for it. I regret the hurt I have caused, and I realize now in trying to protect everyone around me, I was actually losing a piece of myself.
Now that all my dark secrets are out in the light, for the first time ever I have the possibility of being whole within my home, without fear of my lies burdening me any longer. I think that was my ultimate drive was to be able to be true, and for me I could not be true to myself whilst lying to others.
My parents and friends are a different story, and a challenge I will have to face another day, but for now, I am here...home, open and exposed, and most definitely awake to the world.
Today I went to see my boyfriend, although I don't know if I can refer to him as that anymore. It was a meeting that my wife knew about and that he had really asked for, I wanted to go, I think I needed to go. I had not seen him since this all happened, and although we have communicated it allowed us both just to prepare ourselves for a future apart.
It was brief, and I know letting go for him was not easy, it is hard to support someone on a journey that sends them away from you.
I realized whilst talking to him that he knows what it is he wants and so does my wife, I am jealous of both of them, as I long to know what it is exactly that I want. So much of me wants a "normal life", some simplicity. I dream of seeing my last days alive, just so that I could know that everything ends alright, I dream of being surrounded by people I love, and I just hope that the person I was made them proud.
So, what answers have I found along the way, have I managed to settle, and find inner peace?
Well I have looked everywhere for the answers, I have put myself through many different challenges and experiences, I have opened my heart and my mind, but the one place that I have not yet truly explored is myself.
I have not felt calm for quiet awhile now, and what I am hoping for is a little quite time and to just feel still. Even in my blog, I don't think I truly explore myself, somehow scared of what I may find, this is now my journey...
Giving up smoking will not be easy for me, I know I will crave the cigarettes, my body requires the nicotine, and I know that it will be a matter of time before it gets any easier in my efforts to let go of it.
I am so careful of what I eat, keeping fit and healthy, it surprises me that I smoke at all, but I guess that was my choice.
Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year, and hoping you be blessed with knowing what you want, and may you find the courage to go and get it....2010 is the new 2009......