In a few days it will be my son's 7th Birthday. At his last birthday, after blowing out his candles he said his wish out loud, "I wish for everything to stay the same."
My son is a old soul, with a deep spirit, and his wish struck me. It was beautiful in it's simplicity. He had been having a great holiday, a wonderful birthday, and simply just wanted it all to stay just like it was.
Change is scary, daunting, and often it is easier to just keep things the way they are. My family and I, love routine, and knowing what to expect, most of our life has been constructed around a sense of stability and predictability.
Over the last few months, my decision to take this journey, meant I had to step out of "keeping everything the same" and to face the fear of the unknown and change.
I reached a point where I knew that in order to properly explore my identity and sexuality, I would need to move out of my home.
I was not brave enough to explain to my wife the exact reasoning for this, but with all the extra pressure that this was placing on our marriage, she too knew and felt like this was needed.
I designed, and built our house, it is a beautiful home, customised to our every whim, and I am extremely proud of it. It was always my "safe place", and leaving it was not easy. Packing my bag to leave was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, telling the kids I was leaving was the hardest! It is only when one packs their little bag and has to decide what to take, is it that one realizes what is really important in life.
I am pedantic about my home, always wanting it to be spotless, and beautiful. I guess to me, I thought that if my home was in order, it made me feel like everything was ok in my life. I was so wrong! I spent more time worrying about the condition of my home than actually simply enjoying it. I now realize that the 4 walls we live in is far less important than the way we live inside of those 4 walls.
At the time, I felt so brave for moving out, my wife and I conducted ourselves with dignity in a community within which we are extremely well known. The fascination in our lives irritated me, but we both kept our heads up high.
Looking back, I now realize I was not brave, I was merely running away from having to face the real underlying reasons, and being truthful to myself.
I was doing the best that I could, everyone saw me as strong, but I was not ready, prepared or had enough understanding at that time, of what this all really meant.
I am excited to see what my son wishes for at his upcoming birthday? Looking back at his last wish, and having re-thought it all I don't think wishing for things to stay the same is what I would want for him. The Chinese have a saying "may we live in interesting times." I used this in my 21st birthday speech, and I believe that change is the true blessing, because it is only through change, living and experiencing life that we can truly grow. I want to live life, I want to taste it, even if it is bitter at times......
(The attached picture, was a drunk destitute man that I saw sitting on this bench during a trip, and found his t-shirt and circumstance profound.)