Monday, December 14, 2009

Virgin Territory

People have always said to me that I seem to get everything I want, sometimes without even realising it. You know the saying, "be careful what you wish for because it might come true," this could be used to describe allot of my life's outcomes.

I can clearly remember losing my virginity (I think most remember the 1st time), I was 16 years old, and on a school tour. We were tenting it through most of Europe, it was a very basic no frills tour and I loved it.
A week or 2 into the travels, we pulled into this little German Village after a day on the bus, filled with allot of making out with this particular girl...., my trip seemed to just be getting better and better.

That night we hit a beer hall, and got fabulously drunk, (I doubt today you would find teachers as liberal as ours were on that tour), and I clearly remember the excitement and awkwardness of returning back to the camp site.
I can still remember the smell of the tent and wet ground mixing in the air. I wasted no time removing her top, and was progressing as quickly as Caster Semenya round the track. I would to go into details of passionate and amazing sex, however I am embarrassed to say, that I think putting on the condom took longer than the actual act itself.

I am pleased to say that my sexual career went from strength to strength thereafter, it was whilst living on a kibbutz in Israel that I really got my Masters Degree in sexual matters. On the kibbutz, it was never a question of whether or not I would have sex, just a matter of with which girl. Times were different, I was different, and to some degree I had separated the emotional feelings from the sexual act, allowing me to move freely from one person to another without any conscience or holds.

Sleeping with a man for the 1st time, was a totally different experience!

The decision to go ahead with taking the leap, cheating on my wife and family, was not a easy one. It came after years of successful repression, but a dying need to answer the question which had been burning inside me for so long. I figured that i would rather die regretting the things I had done, than the things I had not.

Like most of my life, I wanted control, and so I laid several rules in place before agreeing to meet. I think part of me thought, that he would tell me to "move on" I think I was hoping he would, but he never did. The rules were:
-No Kissing
-I never remove my wedding ring
-I arrive and leave through the front door
-He would need to bottom for me...(I know, I know...), oh and he had to have a HIV test as well.

I felt like this was very much a situation of whether or not this was my wish coming true, what I really wanted or both.
Although I appeared very confident, internally I was an absolute mess. When that point in the evening came, you know, the point where you can feel something is going to happen. I told myself don't not to flinch, however as he leant over and rubbed my arm I flinched.
I wanted to experience as much as possible, believing that this would be my one and only chance to have all my questions answered.

Hmmm, I hit a few speed bumps. Firstly for the 1st time in my life, my penis decided that just what my mind thought was ok, did not mean that he did. My penis was in a flux of confusion, and required allot of coxing at times. This was the 1st time that my penis and I could not get along.
To be honest the whole things was a disaster, I was using condoms for the 1st time in 12 years, and all in all, I felt as comfortable as a buck at a hunting rally. Nothing really worked, the sex was terrible, he was uncircumcised which even confused my poor penis even more.

I left there, not having being able to finish, but I was so happy, I mean now I knew, I had my questions answered, I mean surely this meant I was straight.
I loved the drive home, and I loved arriving home even more, although I felt guilty I believed I could now continue with my life....? Or so I thought!

So this was no longer a situation of me getting what I wanted, I was being drawn into something I did not want, and no matter how hard I seemed to wish it all away, the pull and desire to be true to myself was just to strong......


  1. Wow. I don't really know what to say but wanted to give you support. An awful first time don't mean anything other than that time was awful. The vast majority of us don't want to be gay but can't resist who we really are. I gave up trying and am much happier. I suspect that there is more to your story, a next chapter. I hope that you can be happy with however this works out.

  2. the noodle always knows more than we do...


    In a sort of bassakwards way,eh? Too anxious to get it up, new situation, raging guilt! Lucky the damn ZIPPER even worked.

    Sometimes life is such a bitch as we try to figure shit out.

    i hope this gets better somehow...