Friday, December 25, 2009


Yesterday, my boyfriends Parrot flew away. I never particularly liked the Parrot, I always put in so much effort in to trying to get the Parrot to like me, but to no avail. Still I can only imagine, how for the Parrot sitting on his cage, with his wings unclipped and the doors standing open, the freedom must have seemed irresistible.
For ages he must have stared at the world outside, wondering what it held for him, and although he had all his comforts and security, food, water, shelter and the Operatic music gently playing in the background, he decided to take a chance and to taste true freedom.

In most of my therapy sessions, I have often, even sometimes unconsciously spoke about my desire to be free, but what did this freedom really mean to me, and what exactly was it that I was looking to be free from.
My son who is now only days away from being 7, often asks to be treated like and adult. It seems that in his mind being an adult to him seems like a life of freedom, and the ability to make free choices.
In a magazine yesterday I read a entry which read as follows:
"At 18 you don't need to know what you want to do forever, but you do need to embrace the idea that, from now on, the consequences of your choices are your responsibility."

Looking back at history, it is evident that man has always strived for freedom, freedom of race, creed, religion, sexuality and many other causes, but the underlying theme that thinks all these things is the freedom to choose, to feel like the masters of our own destiny and the constructors of our lives.

I like the Parrot now also sit in a position where my wings are unclipped and the doors are open, however the question remains will I fly.
I feel like I am in a situation where the people I love will be hurt no matter in which direction I choose to go. My life has reached a complicated point, where I have the absolute freedom of choice, however conscious that I am never free of the consequences of those choices.
I am trying so hard to limit the hurt to everyone involved, with my guilt and self pain always halting my true ability to spread my wings. The response to my last blog, read: "You don't fully realize the pain that it causes until the pain is gone".. This resonated with me, as I am so aware of the torment and pain I am feeling, however I repress it so that I can continue to live.

My pain is evident to me, whilst I lie awake at night, when i look into my children's eyes, and when i look at my wife's pain, knowing I am breaking an oath that i made to her in front of my Family friends and God
Peter the Parrot, did not like me much, but he loved my boyfriend. Flying away from him could not have been easy, leaving behind loved ones and the entire life he knew. Like love, freedom is an emotion and drive that lets us know we are alive. Without true freedom, we are merely existing not living.

I have for for many years held a underlying anger and sadness, I know now that this was all a result of not feeling like I was living the consequences of my choices, but rather living the consequences of not truly living.
This is all easier said than done, I am in an invidious position because as excited as I am by the prospect of living a honest life, I am really scared. Often I wonder if I am brave enough to take the next step, and yet looking back I see the enormous leaps and bounds that I have been able to take. Look to the past to see the future I often say.

i live in a country and during a time, where I have been able to witness true struggle for freedom and I have been able to see the beauty that freedom has been able to deliver. I am proud to think that in a few years South Africa has not only been able to overcome some of it's greatest demons, but that it has been able to also incorporate a constitution enabling it's people wonderful freedom. We are now 1 of only 7 countries in the world that allows for gay marriage. As a child the repression of others never made sense to me, I have always strived for people to be able to have the choice of what makes them happy, because restricting others, is merely a tool to make the caged feel free.

So the question for me, is really not so much about whether or not I can fly, but rather if I do, will I like Peter the Parrot become hungary and unable to feed in the wild, will I be able to survive. Surely the momentary freedom, will fleet and Peter, will long for home and everything he left behind, or will he find inner peace and happiness knowing that he his choice and consequence was that although he is dying, he is living free.

1 comment:

  1. Your metaphor of comparing yourself to Peter the parrot makes your situation seem either/or - either complete captivity or complete freedom. You are now in an intermediate situation, not an ordinary married heterosexual man or a completely out gay man. And you will not lose everything if/when you come out completely as Peter lost all that he had when he exchanged it for freedom. You have two children who love you and a wife that has handled the situation so far better than any other woman I've read about in a similar situation. I admire what you are doing and how you are handling your needs and the needs/emotions of everyone affected by your actions. I am also flattered that you quoted my comment, and pleased that it resonated with you.

    I also admire how quickly South Africa transitioned from its racist recent past to its current equality. Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, and Nelson Mandela are three men who have changed their countries and the world, and I've hoped that the gay community can produce a giant like those men.