Sunday, January 10, 2010

What are the odds...?

When young, I had very strict parents, they were liberal in many ways, but overall there was always considerable amounts of discipline. On the odd occasion, when I was really wanting to pursue something that they did not agree with, i would receive the "just do whatever you want." This was always said in a stern and aggressive tone, and I always knew that what they were in fact saying, was you decide and there will be consequences if you do it.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years of which 9 of those were as a husband and wife. In those 12 years we have never really had any significant fights or obstacles to overcome, however there has always been a level of resentment between us. Resentment is a very dangerous emotion, it builds and creates and underlying anger and unhappiness.
Our fights were always about little ridiculous things, and were probably just an outlet for our greater resentment for each other. For me I never felt like I could be who I really was within our marriage and for my wife, she had the resentment of a husband that had pulled away and she lacked the understanding as to why her husband was not able to love and desire her fully as a women.

Communication and honesty are the foundations of a successful relationship, and although we always communicated well, I obviously felt like I was unable to share my true emotions and feelings especially with regards to my sexuality with her.
Ironically for the first time in our marriage, we are truly testing our love, yes all to often people stay married for all the wrong reasons, we are trying to figure out whether or not this is true for us.
Any marriage is trying, and many marriages fail, often this is not due to infidelity, loss of love or a break down in the marriage, but simply due to the lack of wanting to try, fighting for it and putting in the work.
Our marriage is obviously in a slightly different bracket, we have more goodness than most marriages would wish for, but unless we can both be ourselves, true and whole within the marriage, we have to ask ourselves what are we doing?

My wife, boyfriend and I, have decided to allow me the opportunity to pursue my sexuality. This is one of the most amazing gifts that I have been given, and one that i do not take lightly of flippantly. In order to do this, we have decided to open our marriage, allowing me total freedom to explore this with my boyfriend. This is hard for all parties involved and in order to reduce the strain we have decided to put a time limit on this exploration, 5 weeks. I know it seems strange to put a timeline in finding oneself, and I know that in this time it will be impossible for me to totally understand my sexuality, but I owe it to both of them to make a choice, a choice whether I want to continue to pursue this within my home or not, and to do it with only one partner and one life.

This to many of you must sound like a wonderful opportunity and it is, however I feel daunted and scared, but well aware of the importance of the decision that I need to make. I care deeply for both my wife and boyfriend and inevitably will be hurt no matter what decision I eventually am able to make.

I love Poker, it was the alibi that allowed me the time and excuse to pursue this in the past few months. I love how the game revolves about reading and understanding people. It is a game about being able to lie (all be it trickery), and to read when others are lying as well. It is a game of odds, and pushing your money in when you stand the best chance of winning, and it is a game of understanding when to lay down you hand because you feel like you are beat, but regardless of what people say it is also a game of luck. Basically it is a game for which i feel is not all that different from life.

So as I enter yet another chapter along this most amazing journey, I have been told by my wife "do as you like," but not with aggression or sarcasm, but rather from a place of love.
Unlike Poker, we are playing open cards, we are exposed and everyone is trying to ensure that we stand the best odds and chance before pushing it "All In!"


  1. The similarities between us are incredible.

    Hope things work out. It sounds like you have an amazingly understanding wife there and reach a decision that can be acceptable to all.

    Good luck.

  2. It is good of your wife and boyfriend to give you time to decide which is the right way to live your life. Five weeks seems like a short time to make such a huge decision, one that can't easily be changed. I hope that at the end of that time period the right decision will be obvious to you.

  3. Yes - you do have a great opportunity here. And yes - the pressure is on.

    Just the other night I was at a party with a local group of gay fathers. Several of us have been married to women, so we had that in common. Most of us were faithful to our spouse's while the marriage was functional. A common thread that we all had was that we seem to go through the "slut" phase with men immediately after the marriage breaks down.

    Maybe because we have a lot of pent up sexual frustration, maybe because we need to define who we are sexually - and we need or want to experience multiple partners to find our self. It also may be that we aren't ready to be in a long term relationship, so there isn't the opportunity to explore with one person.

    Several of the guys said they eventually tired of the "slut phase" and moved into a long term relationship.

    From your posts, I can see that there is a lot of love between you and your wife. I do love my wife - but we are not love, and haven't been for some time. But we get along well, especially considering the bomb I dropped on her. She's taking it much better than could be expected.

    I hope everything works out well in your situation. I understand the pain and feelings of guilt that accompany this.

  4. I wish you lots of love, laughter and happiness for this coming year. You have some tough choices to make. I do think you are doing the right thing for every one involved. Honesty is so much better... Keep posting... Johan