I feel that all to often marriages are based on sexual fidelity and the fidelity of the heart is often ignored. Surely even if a marriage remains monogamous but that one can not feel vulnerable, open and truly honest within that marriage, we are in fact still cheating and not only ourselves, but our spouse as well.
I am lucky, I am now in a marriage in which I have all my deep and dark secrets revealed, and am able to be totally honest.
What exactly it is that my heart desires and where it is trying to lead me, I am not yet totally sure, however I do know, denying those feelings and trying yet again to simply repress my sexuality would only lead me back into a marriage where a resentment, loss of truth and ultimately the cheating of our hearts would commence all over again.
My wife and I are still relatively young and I have no doubt that resolving my emotions and sexuality now, is not only for my benefit, but for the good of her and my children as well.
It is in this spirit that I have been honest with my wife in telling her that I am just not able to let my boyfriend go as I care deeply for him.
This journey has never just been a matter of "scratching an itch" or simply sleeping with men, for me it has been a desire to be true to myself and to my heart.
I am extremely lucky and perhaps extremely unique in the fact that my wife and I have a commitment of the heart, and in that commitment we have a desire to see both of us happy.
The stakes are high and no one relishes breaking up or losing the family structure, ultimately we are unequivocally unified parents who want the best for our kids. Within the responsibility of parenthood we are trying to secure a life that is whole for all.
It was in this spirit that we decided last night that my boyfriend, wife and I would once again give going out for dinner together another try.
This time we did it on a different basis, there were no titles, no expectations and no lies, just 3 people who have all been through allot. We decided to simply get together to "be in the moment" and celebrate life, no matter how difficult or unusual as this might be.
It was a success, in the openness and honesty we were able to enjoy a night filled with pure beauty. As I sat there, I thought to myself how people around us were so unaware of how extraordinary and unique an event we were enjoying, and the manner in which we were all doing it.
Yes there is awkwardness, and yes there is pain, and most definitely yes there is some anger, but for a brief moment we found it possible to forgive, however unable to forget.
It seems ironic, how all 3 of us seem to be on our own individual journeys and although often clouded by emotion and the magnitude of what we are going through, we often don't notice how in an unusual way, we all seem to be growing and even more unusually supporting and assisting each other.
Each one of us seems to be intertwined to the other, and now knowing that we are dealing with a pure white canvass, free of lies, we all get to be artists as we try and paint our life construct.
I am sure not many men can say that they have been into gay clubs, with both there wife and boyfriend, and likewise I am sure that the 3 of us must have been a total enigma to the people who looked, but for us, we were simply 3 people living life to the best of our abilities.
No this is not the next scene from some erotic porno, nor will the 3 of us be entering the bedroom together. This is a journey that I felt I had to take, happiness is for the brave, and a journey that I thought i would have to travel alone has ended up being a journey shared.
I am not sure where this will all lead, but I know that within the honesty that we have been able to find, the forgiveness that has been able to be shared and the commitment of our hearts, anything is possible.