Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Only Human...

My Mother had a very hard up bringing, she was rejected by her parents as she was never a priority in their lives leaving her to fend for herself. The result of this was deep seeded anger and resentment towards them. Her mother is still alive, however due to my mothers anger I too have adopted these emotions towards my Grandmother resulting in me having had a very limited relationship with her, I have probably only seen her a handful of times during my life. I believe that every person's obstacle in life is overcoming their childhoods, some however more so than others.

One of the "side effects" of my Mothers upbringing was that she developed a desire to create a safe "bubble" within which she could live. In her childhood she gained a sense of security in maintaining as much in order as possible often winning many a neatness award in the orphanage that she lived in, this desire was inherited by both my brother and I. I too love having some measure of control of my surroundings, I love neatness and I loved the sense of safety that I felt within in my home. I have spent most of my life trying to find protection from the larger world with an overwhelming desire just to feel safe. In order to conquer my demons and to reclaim my life I have had to step out of my "bubble" and into a world where I no longer have that same control or sense of safety. I often find myself driving and unconsciously will head towards my house (although it is not my house anymore), or will find myself feeling for the missing wedding band on my finger until I realize that my reality is now different as I steer away from my home that I knew and back to my new life.

I no longer have the stability that my home life gave me, now leading a pretty nomadic life in places that I do not have my own things around me, but these things are purely materialistic and letting go of them adds to the huge sense of freedom and liberation that I am experiencing. Beside leaving my comfort of my home I too have left the sanctity of my marriage and the protection that gave me both emotionally and physically. I am now exposed to a buffet of sexual diseases and after being removed from the greater world for so many years I have developed a huge fear and phobia towards STDs and in particular the biggie being HIV. I have a nature in which I like information and so I have ensured that I have quickly not only studied up on the risk, danger and what precautions to take but also what the result would be of contracting any one of the numerous transmissible diseases and the life altering effect that these have on people.

Today I see that HIV has changed in some measure form being a death sentence to being a disease that people are now able to live with. I see too that HIV positive partners not only are able to lead manageable and normal lives, but that they are even able to maintain healthy relationships with HIV negative partners. People are all just trying to live as happily as they can, often we need to appreciate another's limitations in life and see them merely as human despite not only their sexual orientation and emotional demons, but also their health and in this instance HIV status. It is easier said than done and the failure to see past these obstacles is not necessarily that persons fault, it is just a matter of their own limitations in life, I am learning to respect that and I am sure that when it comes to my sexual orientation not all of my friends will be able to be accepting or supportive of my decisions. In such a situation I need to not wear their discrimination as limiting or degrading of my life choices, but rather appreciate the fact that just like I who has fears, so do they and although and not everyone is able to overcome these.

If my journey has taught me anything it is to be more understanding of others, I have learnt to unlock my anger and I guess for me this is where my true liberation lies. My grandmother is dying and there is a limited time left in order to try and allow my Mother to find peace. In the next few days I want to fly with my Mother to go and see my Grandmother in a last ditch effort for not only my Mom, but for me as well to find some solace with a women that that despite feeling like a stranger to me is still the person who bought my Mother into this world. I want us to see her not with the hope that my Mom will find it in her to to forgive or to forget, or that My Gran should ask for forgiveness or apologize, but rather that my Mom will find the strength to see women riddled with her own demons and life limitations, but most of all that she will see that she is just human. We all make mistakes, some are bigger than others, some are unforgivable, but ultimately the choice lies within ourselves whether or not we can release our own anger, because at the end of the day life is fragile, risky and short at best of times and in that we all just try to do the best that we can.

1 comment:

  1. i stood in my previous home of 4 years tonight (my previous home shared with my ex) suffocated by the feeling that I no longer had that sense of space and "home", my cat shirked when I touched him, it pained and yet I left I felt that it was better this way... we share a lot in common my guy, my mother and I are 2 people on opposite sides of a very stormy river... it's one we'll cross one day but we shouldn't force relationships based on titles either..