Last Tuesday night was my last night that I slept in my house with my family. After putting our kids to bed, kisses, cuddles and absorbing how different life will be for all of us going forward, I went back to quietly sit in my study. My wife came in and the two of us just hugged each other, slowly dancing to the song that was playing in the background. I could feel and hear her sobs on my shoulder as I tried as hard as I could to remain strong. She felt so small in my arms, so gentle and fragile, there was something magnificently beautiful in that very moment. The connection that my wife and I share is so powerful, we have a deep soulful bond in which we know each other so well, she will always be one of the greatest loves of my life. As we were dancing, I looked up to glimpse my daughter standing there watching us, she had this beautiful little smile on her innocent face, I picked her up and carried her back to her bed and tucked her in again, she looked at me and said "it looks like You and Mom really should be married."
My journey has been one of conflict and vacillation as I turmoiled to accept my sexuality. The battle has been finding where it is that I felt I belonged and the steps that I would need to take to get there. Now that I have not only decided, but also taken the necessary choices to enable me the freedom to pursue my life, my journey has now become about actually living and building a life of my construct. Whilst there is a tremendous sense of freedom and liberation that I am currently feeling as I peer onto a blank canvass on which I have to create, there is a also sense of trepidation. I often feel like I need to pinch myself in disbelief at how drastic a change my life has taken. There is the fear and worry of whether or not I have made the right decision, but I do not spend much time looking back as I know for me the only option now is to keep on moving forward.
Yesterday I was with my kids and my son asked me a question, "If God created everything, then who created God?" As profound a question as it was, coming out of his little mouth with an absolute simplicity caught me a little off guard. It made me realize that in life there are some things we just don't have the answers for, yet we believe, trust and in this case even devote ourselves to certain things with nothing more than faith. It is faith in the fact that this is a path that I needed to travel, that this was a dimension of myself that needed to be not only explored, but that I felt for me was one that I needed to live. For the first time I am able to look in the mirror with a sense of knowing of who it is I am, whilst I might not know exactly what it is I want out of my new life, I do know that I am no longer consumed with anger, I am living my life honestly and that I am proud of what I have been able to achieve, for the rest only time will tell. Like I try to explain to my children, I can not read the future I can only resolve the now.
There is once again a fascination into my life and that of my marriage, the community are all intrigued as to why it is that my wife and I have chosen to separate. To the outside world, just like for my daughter it has always looked as though my wife and I really should be married, but for us living a life without passion is not fair on her or me and although we have no idea what the future holds for us, we can only remain brave, focused and keep moving forward with little more than sheer faith. Faith that we will find the life full of the happiness, passion and truth that we have hungered for. Someone referred to our separation as a tragedy to which I responded, "this is not a tragedy, this is bravery." Yes it is sad and yes it does pain, but the real tragedy would have been continuing the way we were, because one needs to remind themselves, we only live once!
"Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe."