Someone commented to me this past weekend that they did not like the heading of my blog. To them it seemed almost anti-gay, maybe even homophobic. The reality of it though is quite simply that when I started out on this journey, I was overwhelmed with guilt, resentment and most definitely fear for the feelings that I was having. The first time that I moved out of home the guy that I was dating asked me if I was happy, the question struck me because in all honesty I was not happy. Yes I had found a measure of freedom and yes I was in a relationship that I enjoyed, but I did it without being honest to those that mattered to me and therefore I was never able to find the peace that I so hungered for. I lived with fear of being found out and exposed and the consequences that would come with that. This is a fear that I have now been able to conquer giving me true freedom to live my life.
The fact that my heading was referred to as homophobic made me think, because I realize that I have lived most of my life with a certain measure of homophobia. Don't misunderstand me I have always been extremely liberal, open minded and one that has always been happy for people to have freedom of choice as to how they want to live their lives, but I now see how my own fear of my emotions manifested itself in a small measure of homophobia. I am understanding how in life a large part of prejudice does not stem from hatred, but rather from peoples own underlying fears and maybe even jealousy. The height of jealousy is when someone does not want what you have, but that they simply don't want you to have it, I wanted it. I was always jealous of the bravery of the gay world, I just felt so trapped within my life that I never thought it possible for myself. So I repressed my sexuality with the result being myself becoming consumed with anger as I battled my internal conflict between what I thought I needed to be happy as opposed to what I really wanted in order to be happy.
My brother the other day said to me, that despite how turbulent my life is at the moment he has never known me to be happier. I have had to pay a huge price in order to pursue this life, I have left my home, a wonderful wife and life as I knew it. I often asked myself for what? I have the answer to that question now, for me this was not a decision that would allow me to merely sexualize with men, this was bigger than that, it was me finding my own worth, a desire to live my life with honesty and being able to be true to myself and to those that I love and care for. Since taking this journey I am noticeably less angry and aggressive, I am calmer with a degree of stillness and yes under the turmoil and pain, I am happy.
The name of my blog certainly does not reflect the fact that being gay can't mean being happy, or a tone of homophobia, but rather how here is a guy that conquered his own inner demons allowing me to unlock my prejudice. I admit that my prejudice was never founded on the judgement of others, but rather on my own shortcomings, untruths and lack of courage. My heading was never meant to diminish the happiness within the gay world, it merely represented my own struggle and battle with my emotions. Yes being gay is not easy, but in that lies the true reward of the sacrifices, obstacles conquered and the pain that I am feeling, because now I get to live my life with inner truth and freedom. I am now at a point where i realize that being gay does mean being happy!
“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage.”