Wife can be surprising.....

In the movie Forrest Gump he says: "I am not a smart man... but I know what love is." Yes love is obvious, and it is a wonderful emotion to know and to feel. When my boyfriend and wife met yesterday, it was obvious to me that the willingness to expose themselves came because of there love for me. I don't say this with arrogance, but rather a sense of humility. On my boyfriends art studio wall it is written in chalk, "I have never felt invulnerable!" I remember it striking me.

My boyfriend and I sat in the lounge having a whiskey whilst waiting for my wife to arrive. As she approached I was in awe of her beauty, I have always been well aware that she is a magnificent women, and I am even used to people turning and staring, however last night it was me, who was a gasp and lost for breath.
I was extremely anxious for the meeting, worried about how my wife and boyfriend would react when faced with the reality of each other. I think I was so worried about them, that I never really stopped to think how I would manage.
I was caught off guard, unprepared, and if anyone struggled emotionally throughout the night, it was me.

The whole night seemed surreal, I often found myself lost, dazed and confused by all the emotions running through me. At times it was really awkward, when your wife and boyfriend are talking about you, pointing out my addiction to my mobile phone, teasing, prodding and uplifting me all at the same time.
The night was filled with extraordinary moments, and we all seemed to take turns rotating the attention, ensuring that everyone gained something out of the night, guiding, caring and growing, I think we all left there feeling a little more whole.

Marriage is hard, especially if you try to live it to rule book that doesn't even exist. Often it is easier to run, hide and avoid the confrontation, but for my wife and I, we are trying before we run in our opposite directions to understand what this all really means for us.
We have a desire to make sure that whatever the final outcome is, that we both tried our hardest.
So to quote a friend, "We are built to grow and move and change and destroy and create, and be right and wrong and hurt others and give others joy, it is inevitable as winter follows Autumn and spring is born and summer returns."
I went on this journey to find myself, and somehow I seem to be finding my wife, I am not sure in what form we will continue, but knowing she is forever a soul mate makes all of this seem so much easier.
Everybody in life deserves someone, those who choose to live alone shut off a part of themselves, because it only through knowing others that we can truly understand ourselves.

To quote Forest Gump again,"Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." I could never have predicted the outcome when I decided to take this journey, to leave home, to tell me wife about my sexuality, boyfriend and I defiantly never thought how well last night would turn out, but I do know that I have been lucky, because in all of these decisions the outcome has been positive and one of growth, although during it all I have never felt invulnerable.

Both Sides Now

There is a wonderful song originally written and sung by Joni Mitchell and then Remade by Paul Young, "I Have Looked at life from Both Sides Now." The last verse of the song is:

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

I currently am in a situation where I am married to a extrodinary women whilst pursuiing a relationship with the most wonderful man, both of whom know about the other.
I know that this setup probably sounds strangely unique (we are just "normal" people), but show me life's rule book. To me the above song represents that there really is no correct answer. Sometimes it is about accepting that things are bigger than us, for me love and life defiantely fall into this category. One would be naive to think that we can understand it all.

Throughout my journey of the past few months, not once could I have predicted what awaited around the next corner. My journey has been full of surprises and intrigue all the while learning and growing. What I have learn't, is that if we are willing to open ourselves up to oppurtunity, and are brave enough to grab life's blessings whilst being honest and true to ourselves, beautiful things are possible along the way.

Yes there are many obstacles, most of these are enforced on us through society and so called rules and instructions as to how we should live.
My father is a very important figure in my life, and somehow he has always had alot of sway over me. When I took the important decision to move out of home, his response was one of not supporting me. As much as this hurt, for the first time in my life I knew I needed to live for me.
It was a hard time for me, and he was making it even harder. It was in a serious sit down and heart to heart with my Dad, that I got to express allot of my emotions, now that I too am a father, I know the role is about unconditional love and support.
This was not about him, and was not really his to understand, all he needed to know was that I was his son in pain, and I needed him

In our conversation I told my Dad that I felt so guilty, he started to cry and responded that he had been trying to make me feel guilty, this was the only way he knew how to try to get me to go home. I was shocked, not at this revelation, but at his honesty. I realise that my life has been swayed, directed and controlled by subtle maninupalitve tools to get me to be the person and man my parents wanted. Yes they never directly asked me to make them proud or to be perfect, but when I did not provide these things, they retracted there support and maybe even love. The saying actions are louder than words was relevant here and looking back I see now that this has been how much of my life was constructed.

Men will continue to marry and grapple with their sexuality, unless they have the absolute freedom to properly explore and understand it, without judgements and subtle manipulation, be it from parents, society, or the picture perfect scenarios that are portrayed as right.
For the first time, I have claimed my life as my own, and I enjoy knowing that it is never to late to paint the canvass white and to start afresh. I am finally free to make my decisions,however cautious to remember the consequences of such. It is a liberating feeling, one that I am sure many a gay man understands as the battle to be accepted into a still very difficult world exists.
We can not change our pasts, we can only write our futures, I prefer to say that we can 'right' our futures...

Another verse in the song goes:

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say I love you right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.


I guess what I am simply trying to say is that maybe, instead of trying to understand life we should rather just enjoy the fact that we don't.

His Master's Voice...

I love technology, in particular all things Apple. I browse gadget blogs and websites, and have a soft spot for anything cutting edge and new. There is nothing quiet like opening up a new piece of Apple Technology and getting that unique smell.

When I moved out of home I did not possess much other than the few clothes that I had taken with me, I had not wanted to remove to much from the house in order to limit the disruption to my family.

Strangely enough whilst out of home I craved to own a Gramophone, it was a complete contrast to the fast pace and technological world I was used to. There is something magnificent in the simplicity of a Gramophone, and the music is beautiful in it's imperfection.

I found one, and for me it bought an inner peace listening to it.

Being a techie, allowed me to navigate the gay cyber world with confidence. I knew how to protect myself, and how to setup the relevant accounts etc needed.

Not long into my new journey I struck up a conversation with someone with whom after the first few sentences typed, I knew would be someone special in my life.

We progressed to camera chats, and this went on for several days. I know a lot of people frown upon cyber meets, but the nature of them I believe allows for an openness and level of communication unique to a real world meeting. (Don't get me wrong one has to be extremely careful, it can be opening a door to great danger.)

He is an artist, and so different to the black and white business world that I am used to. Our first meeting was in the back streets, not for sinister reasons, but because he was having a new sound system installed into a old Land Rover that he had recently bought.

I gave advice as to which speakers, and how they should be fitted, and we then moved on to have coffee at a little Christian coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

It was a wonderful time, he had a calmness and gentleness to him that absolutely captivated me. We agreed to meet the following night..."a date!"

Somewhere along the line, I had forgotten that there was a whole world out there besides, restaurants, and dinner at peoples homes. My wife and I had seemed to lose the Joie De Vivre, of watching sunsets, and sitting on beaches, just for the sake of sitting.

He and I agreed that he would pick me up in his Land Rover and that we would drive "nowhere" we would simply see where we ended up, I agreed to organize the food and drink.

From our chats, I had learnt that his favourites were Whiskey and Chinese food, I arranged a slow roasted duck, noodles and fortune cookies as well as a bottle of fine whiskey.

We agreed to meet at large malls parking garage, however once arriving there was no answer on his mobile phone. I was devastated, not only that he had not pitched, but because I could not believe that I had read the situation and him so wrongly.

Luckily I had not, he had simply dropped and broken his phone, and called me from a call phone to locate exactly where I was.....we were on our way.

We parked in a parking lot alongside a quiet beach, and later moved to a deserted driveway. It was wonderful, sitting there eating our Chinese, drinking our whiskey, I felt so far away from the world, I felt alive and as if I was a teenager all over again. In the simplicity of the night was pure joy.

Kissing him, was wonderful and unique to anything else I had done or experienced.

He knew about me being married, my kids, everything, and this played heavily on his mind, so no matter how hard I tried to progress into further sexual activity I was constantly prevented. We merely smoked, drank and kissed the night away getting ever increasingly intoxicated.

My fondest memory of the night, watching him running barefoot into a club to purchase more cigarettes. in that moment he represented a freedom, and wholeness of life, it ignited a inner passion in me.

Not having sex that night was probably the best thing that could have happened, it allowed for our relationship to developed on a different foundation. Although, this relationship would prove very dangerous for me, because as apposed to this being simply about sex, I found myself falling for him. This scared me.

What has developed is a relationship that many people strive for. We have a mutual respect and care deeply for each other, and our relationship has blossomed into something far greater than either of us had ever expected. I guess life is full of surprises and for the first time in a long time, if maybe ever, I was following my heart and not my brain.

On a recent fishing trip with my son, we stayed in a small lodge where everyone sat down at one table for dinner. On our last night, a young recently engaged British couple had arrived. The women was giving my son a tremendous amount of attention and he loved it. He tried his hardest and conducted himself as a real little man with his best manners.

I saw him staring at this women with this funny little smile on his face, when asking him what he was thinking? He asked to please see me in our room immediately, I responded that after dinner we would be able to talk.

On our way back to the room, he asked me, "Daddy what is love?".

I said that love is unique, because it is not something we think with our brain, it is something we feel in our heart.

He responded, "ok I don't think I feel it in my heart, but I don't think I could date someone who speaks like that", referring to her accent. I remind you he is 6 years old!

It is funny, that I can say that I have a boyfriend, however I still struggle with the concept of being gay.

It was my "boyfriend" who introduced me to the Gramophone and to me it represents him in so many ways.

When listening to a Gramophone one's brain knows that you could listen to the same music in the highest of quality downloaded neatly from itunes with album art and all, however what the Gramophone does when listening to it.......is awaken the heart...